DoctorOz: Why Grudges Are So Easy to Form and So Hard to Let Go

Represent a grudge that we're all holding on to. Each of us has our own. We're gonna focus on letting go of grudges, one of the biggest barriers to a healthy mind. You guys ready? Yeah. Let them go. Woo! They're popping those grudges. And that's great. Some people let go of grudges even later. So if you can hold on to a grudge, like some people, for months or even years, now what? Here's Sable's story. I had an amazing relationship with my dad. We were best friends. I was his handy dandy sidekick and nothing was ever gonna come in between that. However, six or seven years ago, he started making decisions that I didn't agree with. And it has created a grudge between him and I. The hardest part is knowing that I have to walk away and not turn back. There are times where I'll be in places and I know, oh, me and my dad used to do that. It's annoying because you can't shake it. It sticks. I get really bad headaches. It's not a hunger headache. It's not a headache because the music is too loud. I can't take a pill and say, okay, I feel better. This grudge is definitely holding me back from the peace that I can have within myself. The truth is, I love my dad. I would love to get over this. I just don't know how. Sable is here. So take me back to seven years ago. What happened that made you hold this terrible grudge? Seven years ago, I developed a grudge against my dad. It was a family transition. It made me angry. It made me upset. I felt betrayed. I was a little depressed at times. It's just something I have to let go. Even now, seven years later, you feel those same emotions? Absolutely, absolutely, because I haven't stepped up to face it. I always say to myself, you know, I'm good. Time heals everything. It'll be fine. Don't worry about it. I have to let it go. I have to face it. It's something that struggles with me. Yeah, you know you need to let it go, but you haven't yet. That's part of the reason I want to talk to you, because you're not alone. We're all holding onto those balloons, not letting them go. I gather you think about it a fair amount. Obviously, it's taken a toll. You haven't found a coping tool that works for you yet? No. So the thing about grudges is sort of interesting. They can not just be an emotional issue. They can also be an issue physically. Look at this list of symptoms I put up there. Researchers found that people who hold a grudge suffer from all of these. High blood pressure, heart disease, stomach aches, pains, back pain, headaches, things you don't even think could be correlated. Do you suffer from any of those? I get really bad headaches. It makes me upset because I can't get rid of it. It weighs me down, and it's something that I tend to say, okay, I can sleep it off. Yeah, you wish you could. Yeah. So you say, well, it's not surprising you're having headaches, and frankly, a lot of the other pains, back pains, things that we think of are unrelated to our emotions. It's not surprising that they're correlated with this because it's about anger. And those are all signs of anger. That's what happens to our body, because our body can tell. Even if we don't want to tell it, it can figure it out on its own. So what do you think is holding you back seven years later from letting go of something? Seven years later, it's definitely myself. It's me telling that I'm okay. Don't worry about it. I'm over it. I'll get over it. I'll take a little bit more time to get over it. But when I bring things to surface, and I can look the issue in the face and say, you know, this is what I need to be okay, then I know that I'll have let go of that grudge. The question is, how did you and so many others get there? I gotta say, grudges to me were always similar to poison. But in this case, you're actually taking the poison yourself and hoping the person you have a grudge with will suffer. Doesn't work that way. Sometimes it's quite the opposite. They're happy that you're not doing well. So I'd love to know what would be different in your life if you can get past that question, if you can actually accomplish what you're telling me you wanna do? I feel that I'll be free. I'd feel much lighter that I've let go of the burden. I would know that because there's an understanding of how I feel, that I can be accepting of myself. I'll feel that I'm good enough again, and I won't have to settle for things or relationships. I will know to put myself on top. I don't necessarily think that this December we'll get together and have a great Christmas, but I know that if I'm in the same room with you, I'll be okay. You know, you said something really important. I think we have to drop expectations about what forgiveness really means. Sable, like so many of you, is holding onto a grudge that is stressing her out. Life coach Valerie Burton is here, and she says she has the tools to solve one of life's most now watched challenges. So why is it so easy to form a grudge? You know, sometimes it really is because we're easily offended. Sometimes it's that core fear that so many people have of rejection. And one of the other reasons is that a lot of times people are afraid to actually confront a grudge, to actually tell themselves the truth and admit that they were hurt or they were disappointed. And when you are holding onto a grudge, is it because you haven't been apologized to? What is it that makes it so sticky? Sable keeps telling me she wants to get rid of it, but obviously we haven't gotten there seven years later. You know, a lot of times there's a misconception about forgiveness, that if I forgive you, I'm saying that what you did is okay. So it's really important that we understand forgiveness isn't about saying this is okay. Forgiveness is about letting go of your resentment, letting go of the negative emotion, letting go of any revenge that you might feel or trying to prove a point. It's letting go of all that negativity so that you can have peace. So like stepping over the person. Sometimes. So you say there are three steps that you can give us right now that can help so many out there let go of their grudge. Sable, you paying attention? Okay, I know you want to do it, but here's how you're going to do it. The first is be willing to forgive. Take me deeper into that idea. It really is a decision and being able to open your heart to being able to forgive, understanding it doesn't mean that it was okay. It means that you want your own healing, your own joy, because otherwise you're giving the other person power over your feelings by saying, unless you apologize, unless you change your actions, I'm going to stay angry. And that does nothing for the other person, but it hurts you. So Sable, just think about forgiveness in the way we talked about it here, because it came up in our conversation. Think about it not as, you know, absolving them, but more distancing yourself from that whole equation. What do you think? I think it's helpful that I can be able to sit down and say that I do forgive you. And I think that it's a great point that forgiveness isn't about saying what you're doing is okay, but it's for me, it's for my closure. And what you decide to do after that, that's on you. So it's for me. And how do we distance ourselves from the grudge? Because that's going to be hard for Sable. It obviously offended her. Yeah, you've got to, a lot of times we focus so much on what do I not want? And focusing on an obstacle does not help you overcome the obstacle. You've got to have a vision. So what is it that she wants out of this relationship? If she keeps focusing on that grudge, it becomes very hard to focus on the joy and the peace that she really wants in her life. The last step you say, which is critical, is let it out to let it go. Yes. So I think it's very helpful to write through it. There's research that shows that writing through difficulties in our lives actually improves our health, that there are benefits to that. But not telling the other person what's hurt you keeps you stuck. She needs to tell him the truth and who knows, he might actually apologize if he knew how badly he hurt his daughter. So Sable, what's next? Working on me first. Just working on my confidence and my self-esteem and knowing that I am good enough to make that next step forward to better my relationship with myself. And then in time, maybe there will be a healing process and something that I will say I'm comfortable in this place. Has talking about it today helped it or hurt it? It actually helped it because this is the first time I'm very open about it and that I'm not scared to express myself and I'm comfortable and I'm confident and I know that today is the first step towards forever. Well, we're all rooting for you. We are. Thank you. Thank you for watching. Don't forget to subscribe and turn on notifications so you never miss out on new videos to live the good life.