I Regret Telling the Apple Store My Age | BEST OF Rita Rudner

But boy, the world is changing fast, isn't it? I'm trying to stay relevant. I'm changing my name to Lady Ha-Ha. And I'm not sure if you can tell by just looking at me, but I've Ubered. Yes, I have, I have Ubered. It wasn't easy for me to Uber. All my life, my parents said, never get into a car with a stranger. Now what I do is I wait on a dark street corner for a sketchy car to pull up, driven by a total stranger. And I get in, and I tell them where I live. Appliances are getting so intuitive. I tell you what happened. I was in an airport, and I went into the ladies' room, and I went into one of those stalls, and I closed the door behind me. You know what happened? The toilet flushed. And just for a second, I thought, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I already went. And did you know that robots are gonna replace pets soon? I know that's gonna be such a difficult conversation. How am I gonna tell my dog she's out of a job? Blow everything. I was in a drugstore. I saw a little box of Exlax. It said, follow me on Twitter. I know where it's going. I don't wanna follow things anymore. People want so much information. I bought a frying pan. The sales lady said, name, address, phone number, zip code, email. I said, can I ask you something? She said, yes. I said, are you planning to stay in touch with this pan? She said, no, but you can follow it on Twitter. I don't wanna. Mommy, I was gonna have to memorize so many passwords in my life. Oh, are you feeling my pain? Because I feel yours. I tried so hard. I got locked out of my own bank account because I tried to reset the password, and I couldn't remember my mother's maiden name, and then I did it wrong, and then it was gonna be four days before they'd allow me. So finally, I had no choice. I had to hire a hacker. But now they have 1Password. It's a new app, and you just have to remember 1Password, and you put all your passwords underneath that 1Password, so I did that. And I forgot that 1Password. But there are all these new websites, too. Findyourfamily.com, that's a new website. Is there anyone here who thinks what they need in their lives is more relatives? And I did try that one where you find your ancestors, and I'm not sure how valid it is, but I did the thing. You spit in the envelope, and you send it in, and the results were kind of interesting. You know what? It turns out my great-great-grandfather is SpongeBob SquarePants, you know? And I recently had a death in my family. My phone died, and that's your best friend. Your phone is your best friend now, and it just went dead. And you know, everyone says, turn it off and on again, and so I said, I can't do that. So I called the hotline, and then 20 minutes later, I talked to someone in India who said, Deb, you turned it off and on, you know? And I said, well, it's already off, so I can't turn it off. And if I could turn it on, I wouldn't be having this conversation. So I made a genius appointment at the genius store with one of the genius people. And I guess all the geniuses were in genius school that day because I got a teenager with blue hair and a ripped T-shirt. But he was a teenager, and he was a genius, and that's why he didn't say, turn it off and on again. He looked at it and said, ooh, your phone's dead. And he went on, and he said, oh, sometimes it happens. That's what he said. Then he asked me, did you back it up on the cloud? And I said, no, and he said, well, why not? And I said, because I'm 64, and I have no idea what you're talking about. He said, well, you should have backed it up on the cloud. I said, stop saying cloud. And he said, but the cloud. I said, okay, now get your mother on the phone. I guess he was a genius, because I walked in, I wanted him to fix my phone, and I ended up spending $800. And I hate not getting a bargain, because this is the time in the world where you can get such good deals. You go on eBay, you know what I got? Oh, I got the best deal on a pair of Eclipse glasses the day after the eclipse. And Costco, great deals, and you can get anything at Costco. I got my flu shot at Costco. Had to get 32 of them. They don't stop, you know what they have now? They have Costco coffins. You've seen them, but you have to assemble them. And I was thinking, boy, your timing would have to be perfect, wouldn't it? Before I leave the store lately, they always ask me the same question. Did you find everything okay? I always want to say, why, have you been hiding stuff? It used to be relaxing to walk in a mall, but no more because of the kiosks in the middle. The people are getting so aggressive. They used to first say, excuse me, then they started handing samples. I don't know if you've been recently, but now, now they're using tuna nets. But I was walking around the mall, and you know what? I think I have spotted a gap in the marketplace because all the dresses and all the store windows are so short and tight. I have decided to open up my own store. I hope you will all join me in shopping in Forever 51. It's gonna be fantastic. We're gonna have long-sleeve bathing suits. And all the size 12s are gonna be marked size four. You know, shopping malls are everywhere now, even in airports. It's like, they're not like malls. And I was walking at a layover in one of those airports, and you know what? There was a luggage store in the airport, and I was thinking, who buys luggage in an airport? That must be the ultimate procrastinator. Getting ready to get on the plane. Okay, I guess I'll buy a suitcase. I can't save money. But money managers, they don't have very good track records. Some of my friends were talking. One of my friends said, I gave my money manager $10,000. He lost it all. And my next friend said, I gave my money manager $10,000, and he lost half of it. And my next friend said, he sounds good. What's his name? Everything. You know what's getting real expensive? I've noticed restaurants. And oh my gosh, I can't order anything market price. Let me warn you, those lobsters have very high opinions of themselves. But Martin and I went to one of these celebrity chef restaurants for our anniversary. There was a Kobe beef steak on the menu. Wait till you hear this, for $150. I know, and Martin asked the waiter, why does the steak cost $150? And the waiter said, this meat comes from the happiest cows in the world. These cows have experienced absolutely no aggravation and no frustration in their entire lives. And Martin said, you mean to tell me that this steak cost $150 because it comes from an unmarried cow? Fancy restaurants anyway, and when they come around at the end of the meal with that crumb scraper, if that doesn't make you feel like a monkey at the zoo. But we're getting much kinder to our animals before we murder them. Really, look on the menus now. They had sustainable fish, grass-fed beef. I had some delicious tickle chicken. Because I'm not a good cook, but I keep trying. Because women, we always keep trying. And I tried to make dinner for some friends, but people have very specific dietary needs these days, don't they? Turned out my friends were kosher vegetarians. I didn't know what to feed them. I finally, I just had a rabbi come over and bless some bird seed. That's all I could do. And dessert, dessert was tricky too. I found I had to ask myself the question, are vegetarians allowed to eat animal crackers? And here's another question. Am I the only one here who's starting to feel just a little bit sorry for gluten? Gluten is the most dangerous substance on the face of the earth. We shouldn't drop bombs on ISIS. We should drop gluten. My mother was a terrible cook, really. Even I knew you didn't put fabric softener in meatloaf. It was embarrassing. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing. But she kept trying too. And before she died, you know what? She got a cookbook published. Under fiction. But still. And my mom passed away. My mom passed away before my dad. My dad wanted to die first because he had something funny to write on his tombstone and he was that kind of guy. He wanted to write, as usual, I'm waiting for my wife. Almost died like a month later because he couldn't find anything to eat in the refrigerator. And then he got married again and my stepmother started to feed him. And then, you know what? She died too. I know, it wasn't, it was natural causes. It wasn't a Dateline mystery or anything. Have you seen that Dateline mystery? If the wife is dead, it's always the husband who did it. The big mystery to me is how they make that show last an hour. He's marching on, I need glasses. I don't wear them, though. I find it much more interesting to see a shape and try and figure out what it is. I have to admit, I've petted a few fire hydrants. But as an older woman, I have a few complaints. Sometimes I feel ignored. I got an unsolicited phone call the other day. I usually hang up, but I stayed on the line because the voice on the other end said, we're looking for the opinion of women of all ages. I said, well, we're all ages. I'm in that demographic. They said, are you 18 to 29? I said, no. 29 to 39? I said, no. 39 to 49? I said, no. They hung up. But that's only in America. There's some countries where older women are worshipped. Only kidding. It's difficult for older women to get on network television these days, too, unless you're doing an advertisement for either osteoporosis or incontinence. Being said, I do have an opportunity coming up next year. I'm not counting on it, because it's still not for sure. I still have to figure out a way to get shingles. We blame advertisers, because advertisers only want to appeal to people in their 20s. They think people over 50 have no money, and we do. It's just that we keep having to give it to people in their 20s. Talk about getting older, but let me tell you a good thing about getting older is I have vintage clothes, and I'm the original owner. This dress I originally wore in Comic Relief in 2006. Thank the Lord it stretches. And I don't have Spanx on, either. Gaffer tape. Yes. Tried duct tape, but it didn't hold. I just, I don't give any of my clothes. I have my clothes carefully divided up into three groups. Clothes I can wear now. Clothes I might be able to wear again at some point. And clothes I'm never, ever gonna be able to wear again, even if someone cuts me in half. I have a pair of jeans. I'm telling you, the Israelis and Palestinians have a better chance of getting together than this zipper. There's always a chance I could get shingles and lose a few pounds. Because women were always trying to get into better shape, but I have friends now who are having operations. Not a good idea. One of my friends had that balloon put in her stomach, but you know what happened? She sneezed and it came undone, and she flew around the room. Even the supplements are dangerous. One of my friends took one of those supplements you see on TV, guaranteed she would lose five inches. She got shorter. Women weak. We like to exercise, but we like to exercise and talk. I have two friends. They like to jog and talk. They biked and talked, swam and drowned. I mean, even my great-great-grandmother used to take yoga, always bragging about how limber she was. I could touch the back of my knee to my nose. She had a fake leg. That didn't count. Come on. So I have given this subject a lot of thought, and I have decided that as an older woman, I do not want to be in really good shape, and I'll tell you why. Because I don't want to be one of those women who looks great from the back, and then turns around and frightens people. I think the back should match the front. That's what I think. And you know what I love now? Compliments. Compliments make me so happy, and I find as time goes by, I'm less picky about compliments. The other day, I was giving blood, and the technician said, nice veins, and I said, allow me to take you to dinner. Thank you. Some compliments are kind of underhanded. I was trying a dress on in a store, and a saleswoman said to me, that's a very forgiving dress. I know. I said, then you'll forgive me if I don't buy it from you. Thank you so much. When I was younger, I was insulted by compliments. I'd be walking down the street in Manhattan, and a construction worker would yell out, yo, mama, bring it over here. And I'd think to myself, well, you animal. Treated me like a piece of meat. The other day, I was walking down the street, and a man who'd recently regained consciousness rolled out from under a bench, and vomit dribbled down his chin, and he opened up his crusty, pussy, bloodshot eyes, and he said, you know, you're a good-looking woman. And I said, and you, sir, are a fine gentleman with excellent taste. Thank you so much. He said, you know, you've gained weight, but it's not all in one place. It's kind of even. I don't care what he says. He loves me. I know he loves me. We've been married for 30 years. People ask me, how do you stay married for 30 years? And I just say, we've been very, very lucky in that no other people have found either one of us the least bit attractive. We've been together so long, we don't even have to talk anymore. We know what the other person is thinking. It's scary. We're on the same wavelength. Sometimes I'll be lying in bed, and he'll just roll over and whisper in my ear, you're wrong. Honesty is very important in a relationship. I think it must be avoided. And I'm honest, I just wait till the right time. I wait till he says, I broke a dish. And then I say, I scratched the car. I lost my wallet. I kicked your mother. Because my mother-in-law is a cranky woman. She is. And she has arthritis, and she won't take any pain pills because she doesn't want to become addicted. She's 90. What's the worst thing that could happen for the last 10 years of her life? She'll be in a good mood. But you try to help people. We bought her one of those walk-in bathtubs, but she keeps filling it up and then opening the door. We've gotten along much better since the GPS system was invented, so we don't fight as much in the car. Well, the first GPS lady, we had to get rid of her because she sounded like his mother, and they'd pull over and argue for hours. I remember the first time we got in that car, and we were going to San Diego, and he just programmed it in, and everything was going great till we changed our minds. We were going to San Diego. We changed our minds, and we decided to go to Los Angeles. And we didn't know how to tell the car. We finally had to go to San Diego just to shut her up. A car with a self-parking system. I said, we don't need it. Well, we needed it the other day. We were parking, a policeman came over and said, that's a no-parking zone. And Martin said, nothing to do with me. This is where the car wants to park. Cars are almost human these days. As they tell you everything they're feeling, a yellow light comes on if the tires need air, a red light comes on if it needs cooler. The other day we were driving along, a purple light came on. And I looked it up, and it turned out the car was just feeling vulnerable. The car was in the shop, and I had to drive Martin's car, and you know what happened? I bumped into a pole on the passenger side. And I didn't tell him because he never goes over to that side. And one day he went over to that side, and he got furious. And I said, there's no use getting angry now. This happened six months ago. Because you know what I wanted? I wanted a keyless ignition.