Single Because I'm Not Dirty Enough | Katherine Blanford

Most clubs I go to, people, it's the first time they've seen me and so they come up to me and they're like, oh my god, Katherine, you're a woman, and I'm like, thank you. And then they go, and you do comedy, and I'm like, for that, I do apologize. And then they're shocked, they're like, but you're not very dirty, and then that, it pisses me off because I want to, Houston, I want to, I just, I want to be like a, I want to be a little, I want to be a little rotten egg thought so bad. I just, I don't know, guys, I just, I don't think I have it in me, I try so hard, but I think I might be even asexual, sorry, Texas, um, asexual, that's, um, that's where a woman dates a man, and, cause, seriously, even my dirty talk with my boyfriend, I'm like, hey, you better hurry up with this nonsense. This is when I figured it out. I was, I was doing a club in Connecticut, that's where your grandparents live, and after my show, this manager, he came up to me and he goes, Katherine, will you stay for our Late Late Saturday show, cause every Late Late Saturday, we have male dancers that come in, and, oh, sorry, you guys don't know what that is, um, Texas, sorry, I only do shows for Christians. Okay, um, male dancers, what is that, uh, your president, President McConaughey, he starred in a movie about it, um, male dancers, it's like, uh, it's like the Wiggles, but for your mom, and, it's very interactive, okay, so, I was like, no, I'm tired, and the manager was like, please, Katherine, stay, so I sat in the back of the room at my Cobb Salad Light Ranch, and this male dancer, he came up to me, and he, he asked me if I wanted to dance, and I was like, no, no thank you, I'm not a good dancer, and he was like, that doesn't matter, and, and he just, he tried again, this is what he did, he came up behind me, and he purred in the back of my ear, and I was like, no, no, no thank you, you're not really my type, I'm more of a horse girl, and, and then he body rolled down me, and he breathed hot breath into my bedina, and I was like, no, no, no, just got off work, no more moisture, and, but thanks for the UTI risk, thank God my salad has cranberries, and then he dropped his drawers, and out in a banana hammock came, uh, I was like, there's the horse in ya, and, and then it, it just swayed to the beat, cause he wasn't white, and he, he, sorry, that part's redundant, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and he goes, you can touch it, now hear me out, Christians of Houston, listen, I, listen, usually I wouldn't have touched it either, but, I know, it's in that moment, I just, I, I don't, I just, I saw myself in him, you know, I was just like, I get it, I'm like you, you know, I, I'm a night time entertainer too, who does crowd work, and, and you know, sometimes when I do crowd work, and the crowd doesn't want to participate, I know that, that sucks, so, so out of respect for my fellow artists, when he said you can touch it, I just, I just yes and him, and, this is what I did, y'all, this is what I did, I go, I go, okay, here I come, and, and I just grabbed my two front pinchers, and I just went, and I just itsy bitsy spidered his water spout, but I never even looked at it, I looked him in the eyes the whole time, like I was trying to guess a mystery item, what is it, a flute, well now it's a kazoo, so anyways, I say all that to say, I do, I have a boyfriend, and I know, it's very serious guys, we live together, and I know he believes in me, cause he makes me pay rent, I haven't been promoted yet, proposed to, sorry, cause no matter how much I squeeze, he still pulls out, and that's not a dirty joke, that's a clean joke, my Catholic grandmother told me that, she said, honey, when you find a good one, you hang on to him, and she was so good at it, she had ten kids, she was so much more athletic than me, she always stuck the landing, I don't know, my friends, I don't know, I think they're more athletic than me too, they're all getting promoted, I've been a bridesmaid fourteen times guys, and I know, I had to go on these bachelorettes, I'm so poor, I, are there, is there one right now, this is a weird time, this is a weird thing to do on your bachelorette, is it a second marriage, I mean it's fun, I like it, I like it for you, but you are, you're in a, you're at a comedy show in an attic on a Friday night, it just kind of feels like you're like, we spent a lot on the first one, maybe we, scale it back, maybe instead of strippers we listen to a woman talk for an hour, and that's sad, you know, but maybe you'll nail it on the third one, sorry, I, I did mess that up, I'm sorry, I, I know it's, we're not supposed to say maid anymore, um, I've been a bridal intern fourteen times, you too get me, I was on, I was on one of these employee retreats, right now, and, before the big conference, yeah, this happened recently, I was, also, by the way, this happened, this trip that I was on, it happened like every bachelorette happens, okay, first of all, every trip starts out, everyone's very cordial, everyone's very polite, they're like, no, I love your bangs, and then, and then everybody gets triggered after a certain point, you know, for me, it's always like, it's always the, the morning after drinking, you know, you're so hungry, right, and you're ready, you're at brunch, you're ready to chow down, you know, and the girl before you, all of a sudden, she starts to decide she's not gonna be herself anymore, you know, this is the day, she's gonna be good, you know, oh, you're gonna be good now, Mary Page, huh, now, yeah, you think you could be good now, and she goes, I'm just gonna have a summer salad, but could you take off the food, replace it with wind, that's extra, I'm okay with that, we, as women, then we all, we get order guilt, so we all order any bitty little, little salads, right, and then we all just, we all have to pretend, no, it's exactly what I wanted, I can hardly finish it, I'm so full on friendship, and then we go home, we have closet pasta, so.