Why Many Asians Have A Distant Immigrant Father

Hopefully this video helps you understand your possibly complicated relationship with your Asian immigrant father. Yeah, the emotionally distant Asian father is something you see in TVs, movies, internet memes, obviously a ton of articles that go viral on a bunch of written platforms, but Andrew, a lot of second-gen kids that are children of immigrant dads, they don't like to talk about this thing in person. No, it's not an easy thing to talk about. So with the help of the internet and our own personal experiences, we're gonna have this discussion. We're gonna break down what a lot of people said in their stories. Hopefully it's relatable. Hopefully it's helpful. Hopefully, maybe it sparks this discussion, man, because I think talking about these things is extremely helpful. So please hit that like button right now and check out other episodes of the Hot Pop Boys because from serious to frivolous, you know we're talking about it. And by the way, guys, we totally know that not everybody's Asian dad was the same. There's a huge spectrum. You could have the rare Asian dad that was like Tom Brady's dad, or you could have the rare Asian dad that acts like Tom Brady, even though statistically, I think that is unlikely. Anyway, let's get into the first comment. Somebody said that Asian dads statistically get divorced the least, or Asian families get divorced the least out of any group in America. So statistically, your dad was probably there. He was not absent, but he could have been working so hard to put food on the table for the entire family. He just wasn't physically there due to his work schedule. Yeah, no, and this is it, where the dad was in your life, but you didn't really engage with him too much. For us personally, I think during the weekdays, I didn't really talk to dad a lot. You know, he wanted his peace when he came back from work, although we would all greet him when he came back if we were all home, right? And you know, you got to celebrate, you know, dads want to be celebrated when they come back home, especially if they're the breadwinner, in this case. But yeah, I mean on the weekends, that's when we would have some activities, do some yard work, some character building stuff. But I will say this, David, there was no pigskin being thrown. There was ping pong. Yeah, it was more like museum trips. It definitely was not fitting into like the typical Merkin pattern, but I never felt entitled to that either, because I just knew that we were an immigrant family from just a really, really different place. Somebody said, you know, I noticed here in California, when you get to the enclave communities, sometimes the dads are not out working too much. They're just out kicking it too. This is something that I realized when we moved to California in the St. Gabriel Valley, where there's a ton of Chinese people. It almost mimics Hawaii, Singapore or something like that. Yeah, basically you're in a whole world of your own. So now it goes back to whatever you want to do. You want to go hang out with friends. If the dad wants to go have a beer, they want to go kick it with friends. So I guess that's something that I didn't know really happened because where we're from, it was more like all the Asian dads were essentially just working pretty hard. It was either the Minari situation or more some nerdier version of the Minari situation. But that's only going to happen when you're in an ethnic enclave. Somebody said, you know, my dad was never bad to me, but he never really seemed to care either. It was almost like I was low key adopted or a stepchild. But I just know that I wasn't. I don't know if it was because my dad wanted a boy and I was a girl or whatever. But he was just like there. But he just didn't like really take a caring to the details of my life. Yeah, I mean, it's it's unfortunate to hear this. But but I know some people like that. And even me being the youngest kid, I do feel maybe a step more disconnected than dad from dad growing up than maybe even you. You feel a ring further from the core of the tree. Yeah, because like, you know, maybe, you know, I don't speak the language as well. And and I don't know, I'm just the youngest. So maybe dad didn't want to think about it as much. You figure like being raised around all you guys, I was going to be fine, you know? Yeah. So it's interesting to see how different people perceive it. And who knows what the family situations were to create this? But absolutely. You you take any family with multiple kids. They're going to each have slightly different relationships with each parent. Somebody's more of a mom, somebody more with dad is all. And it's unfortunate. But the truth is, not every person in the world or not every man in the world like was dying to be a father or wanted to father everything. Not everybody, and especially Asian dads, is not the Lifetime movie. Father, dad, you don't be. And we're going to talk about emotional intelligence in a second. All right. Yeah. Not that it's right or wrong. Somebody said, why did you let mom torment me, dad? You know, my dad was there and he loved us, but he never stopped my mom. And everybody knew my mom was abusive. My dad knew my mom was abusive. Most both physically and emotionally, but he never stopped it. I think that I always resented him for not stopping mom. Well, you know, I just make the money and I put it there and then I let your mom do what she has to do. I don't argue. You know, this is this is the setup that I have with your mother. So, you know, and not not to make light of it, but I mean, that is sometimes what it is, you know. And unfortunately, I think Asian parents and let's just talk about Asian dads because this is what the video is about. It's like their EQ emotional intelligence is not necessarily high, like they don't let's just say average two out of ten. That's not what they're trained to do. So they're not reading the room. Maybe they comfort you, but they also know like, hey, I'm with this woman. I'm married. I don't necessarily agree with how she's talking to my kids, but we have this setup and I'm going to let her handle it. So unfortunately, this is what happens. And again, I'm not making excuses for anybody in this video, but that's possibly what was going on. Somebody said, you know what? I was taught my dad, the true Asian dad love is just taking care of the family. It's not about tropical getaways, anniversary presents or fun family outings. I didn't have any of that. It is the ironclad commitment to the family without any of the toppings and dressings, all cake, no frosting. Yeah, man, this is a good way to put it. I mean, I remember during the weekdays, right? We didn't really engage with dad a lot, even though he was in the house and on the weekends, dad would put some time into wanting to cook his food on the weekends and then some nice soup. Yeah. And it's so funny because I remember him standing over us as we're trying to food and he's like, hey, it's good, huh? And then as kids, I'm not thinking about his feelings and how much work he put into this dish. I don't care. I'm just thinking, I don't know, dad. It's too salty. I don't like the corn. The corn is soggy. Yeah, it's kind of greasy. And then dad would get mad and be like, guys, I just cooked his food. Why do you? And then, you know, at that time when we're kids, I'm just like, don't dad. Why are you tripping about this? But then I empathize with it now growing up. And I'm like, nah, that was his time. He did something for us. He just wanted us to enjoy it as kids. Maybe mom should have just been like, hey, just say it's good. And, you know, a piece of that. You know, obviously, when you're a kid, man, the one thing you are not is a big picture thinker. You just do not know how anything interconnects within the family. You know, not to we're thinking about how to be cool at school and all this other stuff. So I do think some of it is a mismatch between Eastern society and Western society. That is a huge chasm for a lot of people to make that jump, to be honest. And some it's much harder to close. I think it's hard for anybody, but some dads never even make the jump. And here's one little bit is like, I don't know if you're a kid who grew up watching a lot of Disney or a lot of sitcoms where you watch those families play out. And then maybe some part of you is like, yeah, what if my family is like that? What if I talk that way to my parents or what if I brought that home to my dad? And you know how like if you did it, it didn't necessarily go well. This is like too much of a side story. But like we actually have a cousin who super tries to do that with her immigrant family. And sometimes it just seems so weird. A family outings. I don't really blame her, though. I don't blame her. I don't blame her. You want the American life. You want the lifetime. You want the CBS? Like anyway, somebody said my dad was always gone. So we picked up some so I picked up some habits from my mom, like being too cautious, being too scared of the public streets and just caring about harmoniousness at my job too much, which is really prevented my career advancement. I blame my dad for not being there because he never taught me the man lessons that I need to compete with other men. Oh, yeah. I mean, listen, I think that one of the key things is like if your dad is not out there coaching you and I'm going to get to coaching in a second how it's very tiring. But if your dad's not like sitting you down and giving you game or maybe he doesn't have the game, maybe he doesn't know how to navigate. So anyways, he's not giving it to you. You got to find male role models somewhere else. And nowadays it's a lot easier. But back then you really find it through teachers and sports. Or maybe nowadays, obviously, there's so many Internet things and so much. It's as Chad GPT. But nowadays, what do you think about somebody complaining that Asian dads or Asian immigrant parents in general tell you what not to do, but they don't give you the plan of how to fix it and how to go forward in a positive manner? Yeah, they just say no, which is good because it prevents you from doing some things that are definitely a no to it. But they don't tell you what to say yes to. I mean, anybody out there, have you ever like tutored math? You know, have you ever tried to coach somebody on how to play a game? Have you ever tried to teach something, some somebody, some new skill? It's a lot of energy. And you and it really helps if you're a better coach because there are better ways to coach. There are different ways to coach. And let's be honest, a lot of Asian parents, they're not trained or they don't think about being an actual coach or teacher. So they'll raise you. They'll give they'll give you the shelter. They'll give you the hug. They'll give you your birthdays. Even they'll give you what you need. But as far as communicating ideas and telling you what to do instead, they might not even have the answers, let alone the skills to teach you. Yeah, I mean, it's complicated. Everybody's in a different situation and everybody's parents came over here. But it seems to be quite a common thing or else they wouldn't make so many TV shows and movies about this situation that we're describing. Somebody said, you know, this whole time until I got older, I did not know what my dad was dealing with. I kind of resented my dad growing up. Then once we both got older, he kind of told me what he was going through. And it made me feel bad for resenting him when I was 15. Yeah, man, this is a tough situation. Again, like parents are not going to tell you everything, especially immigrant parents who are struggling. They really don't want to tell their kids a lot of things because they don't want to pass down that trauma and they don't want to seem weak or vulnerable. They don't like being open, whether that's due to being introverted naturally, culturally or Confucianism or some sense of shame. Shame is like huge in the Asian community face. Somebody said, you know, I got respect for my dad and I know a lot of my Asian friends, sons. We got respect for our dads as solid A1 dudes. But we have mixed feelings about who they are and how they interact with the world. 100 percent, man. Like, I think that, you know, the one point of the iPhone, V1.0 or the Samsung Fold, V1.0 or any sort of camera that's your favorite camera body series lineage. It's like it ain't going to be what 2.0, 3.0, 4.0 is. Show me an immigrant kid who thought that their immigrant dad did a 10 out of 10 job. There's not that many. And I think that maybe we might be judging Asian dads too hard, but that's OK to feel that way. It's understandable. However, there is a resentment for being the one. Though there is the 2.0 is only possible because of 1.0. Exactly, man. So they're in they're in a tough situation. Somebody said, you know, I'm not really frustrated by the Asian dads because, you know, I don't really deal with Asian dads. I just have my own dad. But I'm always frustrated by my friends that seem like they just picked up the flaws that their Asian dads had about not really understanding America or seeing the bigger picture. I thought this was an interesting perspective. Dude, as an American kid, I think what you have to realize and this is for any kids or any young parents out there, I'm like, dude, the kids got you got to triangulate the cultures. You got to pick and choose mix and match. Right. So you got the triangle. You have these different cultures. Maybe this was an influence. Maybe this was another male figure role model or this was your dad. You're somewhere in between this triangle. You might be closer in this corner or closer in this corner, but you got to figure it out. You got a Robocop Iron Man suit your life. Yeah. And it's tough because nobody teaches you how to do that. But, you know, you got to see Iron Man. Real quick, Andrew, what are the couple of things that people need to realize? I would say this, man, your dad is from a different world. It's as simple as that, man. It's like a different planet, especially if your dad is like 50, 60, 70 plus. Man, they did what they grew up with. It was like so. Yeah. And honestly, not all Asian dads chose to come here on their own accord. A lot of Asian dads did choose to come here. And that's even going to kind of dictate how they adapt to certain cultures, too. Number two, some people assimilate differently to different levels. Oh, yeah. I mean, think about it this way. When you go on a trip, like if you've ever been to Asia as an American, probably what was realistically you went to a big city. What was the first thing you did? You ended up connecting with a lot of other English speakers. I know this. People do this all the time because you're in your comfort zone. So think about that. You're on a short trip. And the first thing you do is just try to meet other people like you. So that same feeling times that by a lot. And that's what a lot of Asian parents went through. So their ability to adapt. Yes, it did come down to their desires, their goals, maybe already the culture that they were coming from. Some parents were exposed to Western culture in Asia already coming over. But some were not. So then it makes it harder. You have to analyze everything you're taught. Take the good things and leave the bad things. Basically some sort of mix and match. Right. Some sort of mixing and matching. Dude, you do not have to just take on everything from your parents. I think there's because not all parents are the same, let's be honest. So I guess you just have to mix and match. Not everybody's parents is going to be the LeBron of parenting. Just like I am. We are not the LeBron of YouTubers. I'd like to think that we're what we're good YouTubers, but definitely we ain't the goat. All right. Moving on to number four, Andrew, you got to take a look at the world and outside of like the organic world you were born into and find some role models. Right. You have to find the ability to relate to people that are not necessarily trying to relate to you or just like somebody you see as like a shining example to copy. Right. Yeah, man. I mean, listen, your mentor doesn't only have to be your father. I think that you always have to show respect to your dad. But guys, there's a bunch of other stuff like there's so many so much literature, so much content, so many videos. There's channels literally called like I'm your dad. And then it's like a guy speaking to the boys like no using it as if the watcher is their son. Yeah, that's the POV. And I'm like, guys, like there's so many help self help books out there. You have to use all this information to your advantage. I get it that a lot of people leaving these comments are around our age. They grew up with immigrant fathers who are probably in their 60s and 70s right now. So they come from a certain generation. But nowadays you got to use what is at your fingertips to your advantage. It is ultimately still not an excuse to be a whack person, even if you got zero social coaching from your dad. Dude. Hey, man, if you're a fully formed adult and you're still a whack person, it's on you at some point. It's a you got to take responsibility, guys. Like, you know, I mean, everybody's responsible for their own life. Yes, there are different, you know, critical stages of development and form formative years or whatever like that. But at the end of the day, man, you only got one life. I mean, you know, depending on what beliefs you got, you only got one rep. I met some unlikable people in my older years. And I'm like, dang, I don't know how you were raised or what happened to you. But you are just terribly unlikable, bro. Last but not least, we got a quote from comedian Randall Park. He said, at times my father does walk that line of being the classic bumbling sitcom dad. But there is always the undercurrent of struggle and sacrifice, which is something I see in my own father and in some ways myself. So basically, it's like, man, all these things, all these pros and cons, you probably going to have pros and cons as a dad. It's like, man, it's still at the end of the day part of what makes you you. Dude, I don't think there's a single person out there, maybe a single person of any culture that didn't see their dad have some Homer Simpson moments in their life. Well, Hank Hill. Yeah. But real goofball moments, real like, whoa, where's this guy from? Like it definitely happens when you're an immigrant kid. And a lot of dads in general. I mean, I don't want to say it's like just immigrant dads, but it might. I don't know. Maybe it even occurs at a higher rate. There's a reason why characters like Homer Simpson are so popular, because a lot of people see some part of their dad in that. But I think at the end of the day, like, you know, it's kind of funny to think about who's to say, like, you're not going to have some Homer Simpson. You're an ad, you know. I'm just trying to turn my brain off. Work so hard to take care of my family during the weekend. You know, sometimes it just makes me goofy. Nobody's perfect. Well, anyways, guys, hopefully this video will help. Let us know in the comments down below what you think about all this. You know, let us know if it's relatable. Let us know a story from your childhood. Just go ahead and maybe maybe typing it out and leaving a comment is helpful. Maybe it's going to be a little cathartic for you, because I know it was even cool for us to talk about. Yeah. And I know there's a huge spectrum. There's people who even grew up without fathers and stuff like that. So, you know, like we said, we we always just here to try to make, create, you know, make useful content that you guys aren't going to find anywhere else. And until next time we out with the hot boys. Peace.