Time Spell 💫 | How to make time slow down when life gets too busy

Okay, so today you're casting a spell. Today I'm gonna cast a spell. Do you wanna start? Like are we? Yeah. Is this it? What were we talking about before Connor came out? I don't remember. Oh, the interview with Connor. Oh yeah, I interviewed Connor for his podcast about his album because he sometimes struggles to tell the internet all his feelings. So I figured he could tell the feelings to me and then we could put that on the internet. Smart. And that was fun. And did he do it? Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. He did a great job. I love that. Yeah, it was cute and funny. But I loved the little blurb. I like he, I mean, you can go watch it on probably both of your, is it a reel that like you're both tagged in? What a good point. He should definitely. You should probably both be tagged in it. But just the idea that like once he shares what inspired the song or like what the song means, then it has a meaning that's defined versus when we just listen and feel what we feel, then the meaning is bigger. I thought that was very cool. It's a great point. That's how art works anyway. Right, right. And there's this thing of like we all intake art. I mean, we all know from like the consumer side, sometimes we'll look at a piece of art or watch a movie or listen to a song and be like, ugh, just tell me what it's about. Yeah, yeah. I don't get it. Or the experience of looking at something, feeling not very impacted by it and then someone tells you what was in the mind of the artist when it was happening and then you can sort of perceive this new depth to it. Or sometimes I have when I love an artist, I listen to the song and I'll be like, oh, I love this song. I wonder what they were thinking or feeling. So then I wanna know, but I've already loved it. I just wanna know them more basically. Yeah, totally. But then there's this other thing of like, well, art exists to be perceived and a new thing occurs every new time a person brings their consciousness to the piece of art. It's now that the artist has made it and it's out, it's just something and it's there to mix with your chemicals and your feelings and continuously create a new consciousness every time. Yeah, and he was talking about how when you read a book, you imagine it a certain way, but then once they make the movie about it and they cast these certain actors as the characters, then it becomes a much more specific experience. And so it's almost nicer when it gets to be what you imagined it to be. Yeah. Yeah, it's cool. Because we all contribute then. Like we're all creating our own little Harry Potters. Yeah, that's cute. Yeah. Love it. Anyway, okay. Speaking of Harry Potters and spells. Yeah. I wanna talk about time today. Okay. But should we first introduce ourselves? Sure, I'm Jessica. Hi, everybody, welcome back. My name's Jessica Hovert. I'm Laine Dealing-Sherland and this is Very Good Enough, a podcast from Very Good Mother's Club. Cast away. It comes again, this is the second episode this season that comes directly out of my own personal need. Okay. Where I'm like, I need this. Yeah. Make that three. This is the third episode. The decisions one and then the Dr. Sam one. I know, that one. That one's so good. If you haven't listened to the Dr. Sam one, really please listen to that one. That was so impactful for me. Yep. Me too. I feel like just a slightly altered person in the weeks since we've had that conversation. That's so good. I also feel like it affected encouragement and advice I give to people. Because it's amazing the way, the stuff she talks about, how we all experience like this struggle with anger, frustration, like taking up space in a moment. Right, right. Because it's really about our aliveness. It's the thing of like, there are these sort of negative or like quote unquote negative feelings. Or we have some things that we're like, every time it comes up, we feel like we should push it away. Right. But every time we push ourselves away, we're just a little less alive. And so to let it all be back in there, like it's a, how about this one? Revivification. There's a way that you could say revive that's like it's happening to you. I gotta look up how to say that because that's a fun word for us. That's cool. But like, it's like a revival of your humanness. Yeah. And it affects the way you relate to your kids, big huge emotions that are kind of overwhelming and sometimes scary and sometimes really sucky to be on the receiving end of. But when you have the perspective of that, then you can help guide with love and understanding. It's cool. Yeah, yeah. Learning how to like welcome the thing and say like, not that expression of it. But yes to the thing. Or not here. You're gonna move this to this room. You can take up all the space you want in your bedroom. We're gonna be out here while you're that noisy. Yeah, yeah. Anyways, if you're hearing this and you haven't heard that, just pause this one real quick, go back and listen to that one. Yeah, this will all make sense. Because it will undergird everything that we talk about forever. So you and I both are in a moment in life where there are too many pieces of life to fit into the allotted time. Right. And by the allotted time, I mean when the sun comes up and then when the sun goes down. Yeah. And you can't make that more. Yeah. And in fact, it's about to be, well, I was gonna say it's about to be daylight savings, but I'm gonna have to cut that shit out because it's not gonna be daylight savings. Just leave it in, they'll get it. For us now, it's about to be, by the time you hear this, we have less time. Tomorrow, today is the allotted time. Is that tomorrow? The third of, it's this weekend. I don't remember if it's the Sunday or the- Oh man, good thing you're telling me. I didn't know that. Yeah, I feel like it's the fifth, I don't know. Anyways, daylight hours are about to decrease again. And there's just too much stuff. Yeah. And I know there are tiny ways that we've each looked for like, how can I kind of offload some things? Like I'm doing the bonus episodes so that you don't have to do them this season and Connor is helping me make dinner a lot more so that I'm not also like looking over time for food. But there are kind of two things happening at once. One is that there's objectively more projects on the calendar. Like that's real. But then there's also the sort of experience inside of like, oh, I wake up going like, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. And like looking for the thing that I've already forgot and looking for how I need to optimize because oh my God, I have so much stuff to do. So I have to optimize every second of my life. And then if I look back at the days, this has been particularly the last three weeks for me. I taught that workshop with Centerline so I had to prep for that and then do that thing. And then somebody gave me some design work to do and then Connor's album came out. So I've been doing a ton of stuff with him. You guys make a music video. We're editing the music video this week. It's gonna take, it's already taken a bunch of nights and it's gonna take a couple more. And we did this podcast episode and I'm gonna help him with lyric video, just like all the visual and design. I am delighted. I love to be able to, I would love for my life to fund my life in such a way that part of like what my job and life is is to do this stuff with him. So it's all stuff that's like very forward looking for me of like, this is part of my lifestyle design looking forward includes more of this stuff. But it's still got all the pieces currently in the life. And so then the wake up feeling is like, whoa, extra cortisol in the morning because I know I gotta, or I think I gotta really get going, really optimize. Everything feels frantic. You have this, then this, then this, then this, yeah. And part of what I'm noticing is that even when I'm doing one of the things that I'm supposed to be doing, I'm still running this background feeling of like, and you have other stuff you're not getting to, even though I can only, I can do like obviously only do the thing that's in front of me. At the same time, I shouldn't be right now doing all that other stuff because I'm doing this, but I'm still adding extra frenzy to it, adding sort of extra friction to my life. Waking up in the morning knowing I'm not gonna jump out of bed and work most days. I did jump out of bed on Tuesday and cut that reel and then post that reel. It's so good, yeah. So then I do find there are weeks where it's required of us, where we, it's like, okay, right now I'm inside of this very specific eight week chunk of time where I've taken on a big job, but it will provide for my family in a generous way. So I'm kind of just reminding myself, like this pace is not my forever pace unless I accidentally make it my forever pace, which would be a problem. But this right now is for a reason, or like with Connor's project, like this probably is all very time sensitive to like certain deadlines. And so how do we live inside of this without burning to a crisp is what Sean always says. Like don't burn to a crisp. We need to do this and we wanna survive this. This is only a gift if it's actually a gift. Otherwise we've just like killed ourselves in the process and then what's that for? Yeah, yeah. And then we miss the days of our lives and the gift we can't even live the gift on the other side of it. Yes, yes. And I do switch pretty immediately. I'm susceptible to like all good, all bad kinds of thinking and like being like when I'm happy or when I'm feeling less happy, like either one being like, it's gonna be like this forever. Like as soon as it is, I'm like, well, it's always, which is very kind of like underdeveloped childish. It's probably pretty normal. I think a lot of us do that. Like in a moment of euphoria, I'm like, I've done it. My life is solved. Or when something works, I'm like, oh, now I have to, like while it's working, I'm like, how do I plan this into my life forever so that it will always work and then I will never feel that bad way again. You know, like I do that a lot with like nutrition or certain kinds of exercise or whatever. You know, if I got myself to exercise that day, I'm like, perfect. How do I make it like this forever? And that sucks away any space. That exists in my life. Cause I'm filling all the space with that feeling of, oh, I'm so busy or oh, this is forever. Rather than like really when I look at my weeks, last few weeks, they've been really full and there have been some days that are just like doll eyes fluttering open and then like closing back at night and every second in between was full. But not that many. A bunch of them actually kind of weren't. And yet I felt all that whole time. The pressure. Because like I wasn't, well, I've already said that part. Like I wasn't doing the eight things at a time. And then when I am feeling like I'm busy in my life, if someone asks me to do something or offers something to me, I only know how to reflect like what I wanna be able to, would I be able to or wanna do that now? But right now I'm really tired and no one's asking me to do it right now. And yet I feel this like the defense system come up of like, oh no, I can't do that right now. I couldn't possibly go visit that person right now or go do that fun thing or do that job that's gonna fund the next piece of my life. But nobody's asking me to do it right now. They're asking me to do it later. And later I could have slept more than I did right now. Like a plan for that. So there's this way in which the spell I'm hoping to cast today is about kind of helping us dissolve that illusion that's filling up all the spaces in between because there are spaces in between and there are moments in between. And even like now you and I sitting here, I could be with you. I could just be with you and have this conversation right now. There are no expectations that I'm additionally doing other tasks while I'm recording a podcast with you. But I could be, and a little am, running this background thing of like, and after this, I'm gonna write the copy for the episode that's gonna go up tomorrow. I'm gonna make sure that Jess takes that file home with her so it can go up on YouTube. And then I'm also gonna finish editing this reel. And then I'm also gonna try and get other people. Right, the subject of podcast is open in my mind right now. Where the real experience is that I'm having a lovely conversation that's been designated like weekly. I get to sit with you, this beautiful person whom I love, and just talk about something. But because the podcast folder is open in my brain, I am thinking about them and I am thinking about future them and I'm thinking about everything that's tagged with the hashtag podcast in my brain. I relate. So the experience could be really different because none of that other stuff is here. It's just you and me talking. Just feels like it's floating over your head. And I also have my own floating over my head. Of course. Yeah, some of it too, like on a practical level, is almost organizational. Where if I've written down everything that's floating in my head, then I can stare at you and really see you. But if I feel that like, okay, Friday, today's Friday. So for me, Friday means something very specific because my kids are in school and it's my last day of a work week to fully give my attention to whatever I can without my kids also being in the room. If I'm organized, then I just know that I go from this thing to this thing to this thing and it's almost like it's planned for me. But I'm not very good at that. And it's not even just that I'm not very good at it, there's too many things on the plate. So I think it's like, sure, I'm organized to the level that I can be. But then there's just all day long, like, did you do this? Have you remember this? Oh, I need you for this. Hey, have you thought of this? This came up. And so then it is the like floating, okay, can I get through? And I'm sure like they're gonna be listening to this or we're gonna listen to this again when the holidays are happening. And there is a similar thing of like, oh, this person needs something. Oh, this came up. Can I do this fun thing? Oh, this is happening. Oh, this kid's sick. That's been us lately. So and so's not sleeping. One of them's sick. Other one just switched to a different bed. So they're not sleeping. So you add this like nighttime element of chaos that then you are propelled into your daytime chaos with less sleep and fussy kids and a fussy dynamic in the marriage. And there's like, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. You know, it's just how do you, I guess what I'm saying is I receive the spell. I receive the reminder to be engaged with the present because that's what we have. We don't have other things. We have this thing right now in this moment. Right, and what if our experience of the too many things could perhaps still be one or two things at a time because I can do two things at a time. Many of us and all of you have learned how to do a couple things at a time. But what if there's a way for us to allow it to just be those things or to choose which things it's gonna be? I'm gonna rock this three-year-old who's now too heavy for me to hold in the middle of the night. And while I do it, I'm just only gonna think about one thing, you know? Like what if there was power to be found in remembering where we are and that we exist and that all those things exist, but like almost like in a visualizing way, just setting some of them a little further away and saying like, I see you, I'm actually not gonna forget you. I have a good brain and that's written down and I said it out loud to other people. Are there any who I haven't done that for? Okay, great, let's get you guys concretized. But a lot of them I have, right? Like I know that I need to write copy for the next podcast episode after this. I do it every Friday. I don't need to think about that right now. Yes, like there are spaces and maybe part of it is part of the power is like a new relationship of trust with yourself of being like, I've got a pretty proven record in a bunch of areas. And maybe there's some other spots in my life where I need to prioritize, like how do I get you guys up to speed with some of these other areas? But like knowing like, no, I'm not the person that I used to be who was so chaotic. And there's a little bit of that for me is in my early 20s, I was so messy and not in like a causing huge damage kind of way, but just in a like, I couldn't get one foot in front of the other. And I was just like always forgetting important stuff and not paying bills and not calling people back and on important dates in their lives. And I just could not. And so there was always this feeling of like, I don't know why when I know that like my heart is good, I can't seem to like roll through this world in a way that's functioning. And that's just not been true about me for quite a long time now, quite a long time. And you were young. I mean, you still are young. There's so much grace for us to fumble our way through times and be like, oh, shoot. Yeah, I really wish I was better at that. I'm gonna get better at that. I might still be bad at it for a while, but I'm gonna get better at it. And versus like, because I do that to myself too. I'm like, oh my gosh, I am so like, okay, here's a good example. During these days where I feel pretty frenzied because I'm carrying a lot, I start to like hate on myself inside. Cause I'm like, see, you're just this frenzied person who just takes on way too much. But then I'm like, how rude, calm down everybody. I have, I'm doing the best I can. And like, why be so mean to myself? Why, that's not helpful. And even if that's true, then okay, self, God, whoever is looking out for me, let's figure this out together. But for today, I'm gonna do the best I know how to do today. And nobody's ever gotten better for being like berated like that. You know, like even if it was true, even if all those dark things inside, which they're not, were true, what you would need is more love, not less. Yeah, and the tender voice that's like, I don't know, similar to like when you need to work out. Like the voice that's like, you're so fat, you should go because you are just, look at you, you're a mess. That is not a very helpful voice. Are you inside right now? Yeah, I know, I feel that same voice, but like the voice that's like, oh gosh, look at how beautiful you are. Your body really deserves some movement. And when you move, you feel better. And when you feel better, your body actually takes on a shape that's easier for you to be gentle with, but let's be gentle with you now because what a good body you have. I lately, when you talk about visualizing, this is like my daily thing I keep thinking about, is like farming. There's this movie I watched many years ago called Faith Like Potatoes, which is like, I think a really Christian movie. We probably watched it in some missions thing. But the story is true and you can look it up, but it's this guy basically who, I don't remember all of it, but he planted potatoes in South Africa in a time when people were like, you don't wanna do that. You're gonna need a lot of rain for that. And you're gonna need, basically it was like, this isn't gonna work. And he's like, no, it is gonna work. And when it works, like it'll provide for my family and it'll help this town. And like, we're gonna grow potatoes and it'll be really good. The idea of farming is that these farmers plant things and they tend to the dirt, but they do not make it grow. They don't make it grow. And I have this thing in me where I'm like, Jessica, make your life grow, make it grow, provide, do the things. So mosquito or fruit fly. I will protect you. I love you for protecting me. Anyway, the farmers, they farm. And there is another power at work in this world that makes it grow. And when I think I have to grow my own life, I'm responsible for the growth of my social media platforms. I am responsible for the growth of this business. I am responsible for the growth of my children. I am responsible for the growth of my marriage, my friendships, my family relationships. It's me, it's me, my health is me. It's way too much pressure on me. But when I think I am responsible for putting seeds into dirt and taking care of that the best I can, like drink water, move around, love people to the best of my abilities, say sorry when I blow it because we are humans and that's what we do, do what I can on my job, but like also sleep and the basic stuff. And trust that, like that guy trusted potatoes would grow and they did. Like trust that the things that need to grow will grow and nourish myself accordingly. Don't nourish myself as if I'm the power that needs to do all of these things. Just do what I actually can do and trust that the power that makes things grow, that makes plants grow, that makes babies come, that makes life happen, that power's at work all around us. And it's not me. I didn't, that was here before me. That power is what made me. That's been very helpful because of the amount of stuff on my plate lately and some like health scare stuff and just work, this work that also I'm 35 and there's this weird voice that's like, you gotta get it soon. Like you're running out of time. I'm sure we all, I felt it at 21. It's this pressure of like, hurry up. If these dreams are gonna come true, it's gotta be soon. Thank God for the Kardashians because they're in their 40s and they're thriving and they look good and they feel, they seem like they feel good. And I actually think, I really mean it when I say, thank God for them. I actually think it's cool that women can be getting older and doing cool stuff with their lives. And I mean, I know we did the whole Beyonce episode. I think there is a real pressure on us to do everything you'll ever do by the time you're 30. And that is really unhelpful and kind of sucky. And so there's also that inside me where I'm like, calm down, Jessica. You are young, you are capable and why not do beautiful things in every single generation of your life? Or not generation, decade. Every single decade of your life, do new beautiful things according to what's at hand versus that pressure that's like, well, you're already too late. So hurry up, keep hurrying. Are you hurrying? You're not hurrying, you know? Yes. Horrible. That voice is so loud. Horrible. So loud to me. Yeah. Oh my gosh, yes. It's maddening and overwhelming sometimes. And then it's maddening and overwhelming that I'm being driven so mad by that thought because I don't believe in that thought. I know. And I expected myself to be far above that, far above the thing where you go in the mirror and you lift up your eyelids just to see what it would look like if you took a part of your eyelids out. Oh, I know. And far above the thought that at 32 years old, I'm expiring, have expired and don't even know yet. No, but- I'm starting way too late. I know. When I used to work at Fashion Week, those models were like 19, 20, 21 years old. And I was like, well, I started when I was like 22 working backstage with them. And they would say they were old by 21. And some of them wouldn't wanna tell me that they were 21 because already they're expiring. And I knew, I knew this is really insane thinking that a culture would tell us we're already past date at 21 because we're 21. But some of that too, it's the world we live in, the culture, but also very specific to the city you and I are in, which is Los Angeles, for those of you who don't know. Any city like this with such an emphasis on appearance, youthfulness, independence, career, it's gonna make everybody feel like it's too late. I guess it's all kind of a macro scale of what we're talking about in the day-to-day, just that feeling of like my time is running out. It's kind of identifying what is the voice that's yelling at you from behind. Like what's causing the frenzy? Because it might not just be the amount of work that we have to do. That's probably part of it. We have a lot on our plates right now and the holiday season makes that even more intense. But like, it's probably not the tender voice that's behind you going like, okay, so when we finish this, we're gonna wrap this up and then we're gonna start this. You're really good at this. So you're gonna do this for an hour, the way we do with kids. You can do this. It's gonna be great. Okay, we're getting closer to being done with that. Now we're gonna switch to this. You really like this. You're very good at this. Or you really don't like this, but this is gonna really help your day. You're gonna do this part. Instead, it's the voice that's behind us like, oh, well, you're doing this, but there's a lot of other things you should be doing and you're not even doing very good at this and I don't know why you took this on. Look, you took this on, you're not even very good at it and now you have to move to that thing. And are you, okay, do that. Hurry up, do that next thing. It's gonna fall apart. None of it is gentle. None of it is tender. And you get to the end, even if you've done all the things and you feel like, I don't know if I did a good job. That was not very good. That's not, we don't wanna do that. Yeah, I also have this thing where the thing that's in front of me is the thing that's ruining the next thing. Where it's like, well, because you're not doing this very quickly, you're gonna have to push. You're not gonna get to go on a walk today, so you're gonna feel like shit and then you're gonna have to make dinner and then you're gonna have to work after dinner, so you're not gonna get good sleep and then tomorrow's gonna be ruined because you're not doing this quickly enough. I do that. So in terms of spells, I'm hearing us talk about creating things sort of like a cosmic conveyor belt and setting the things that are farther away back because they're not here yet and being with the things that are in front of us. And I imagine doing that like very physically, like I'm seeing like little monopoly pieces of all the things that I have going on where I can just in sort of concentric circles and they're glittery, obviously, just to be clear. It's not a spell if it's not glittery. So sparkly monopoly pieces of the things that are in front of me get to be right here, just glittery you and glittery, making sure that button is pushed. Those are the only things. And then later things get moved further back and further back and further back on a cosmic conveyor belt. They're coming. I have to do those things and then when they're the front thing, I have to take care of that. And then I'm hearing right now and what you're saying, this sort of like a way of turning the light of your gaze onto the voice that's behind you and being like, what are you? And letting that shadowy piece come into the light and be clear and seen because that is how you pull the power out of the thing that's shouting at you from the periphery. Any shadowy parts of ourselves that we try to cut off get very dark and shadowy and loud. You know how shadows are kind of a distorted shape of something where something really tiny, if there's a light right by it, we'll cast like a majorly huge shadow and being like, no, we're gonna turn and look right at it and be like, what is this voice? What is this noise? It's me, right? It's all some part of my own self that needs to be just like brought back in. It's the part of us that we didn't really like before because the way you identified it was like the part of you that felt chaotic when you were younger. That part is still like there and we try to push her away, whatever that is of us. And so it's almost like welcoming her in and being like, you're good. We got this. Look at us, we're doing it. We're so good at this. And one thing I wanna add is when I'm really frenzied and chaotic, my voice to my children is a lot of hurry up. We gotta hurry. Come on, come on, we're rushing. Let's go, Eloise, let's go, let's go. We gotta go. And I really don't like that. And it's such an overflow of my own hurry up. If you notice that in yourself, this tendency to rush your children, for one, there might be something in us that's like maybe we need to slow down a little bit. The other thing is I was talking to a couple moms yesterday on a call and they were saying how it's very frustrating to be in a time where they start a bunch of tasks and can't finish them. And so then the conversation turned to how many tasks should be on our list if we're in that stage of, like one of them just had her baby. Others have a baby and a toddler. And we were kind of laughing, realizing that the list should be impossible to fail almost. Like when you're in that stage, the list has gotta be so small because it's actually huge because to be taking care of a baby and a toddler is humongous. And so then to add like wash your hair to that list, that's a really major success. Well done. You know, or like make dinner. That's really crazy when you have- In stages like that, the stuff that you're not writing on the list is already a full day's amount. Totally. So like you're actually missing a lot. Your list is incorrect. Yes, right. The list is wrong, not you. Yeah, and even like if you or I get sick or there's a family emergency or there's, basically if we don't allow for any margin that's real, the real stuff of life requires some margin, then we're gonna always feel like we're failing. But there does need to be like, okay, if you and I right now are in this window of time where our list is super long, then we do need to take care of ourselves. Then like a good night's sleep and a walk in the day actually needs to go almost in the beginning of everything so we don't accidentally overlook them. And then we remind ourself tenderly like, this isn't how it will always be. And it's not our responsibility to grow everything, thank goodness. But yeah, just kind of weighing that. I don't know where our listener is in their stage of life, but very likely we're all doing this to some degree. We look at a list that's way too long and we can't help but feeling like we're failing at it and we're like dooming the things that are yet to come because of the thing we're currently doing. Which is powerful magic, by the way, to be like looking forward at something and being like, you're already crumpled. Yes, this is already bad, yeah, yep. And there is power in turning to our partners or our loved ones or whoever's right there and saying, oh, here's a good example for me with my, it was Sean and Becca who are both in our house right now. Sean, obviously, and Becca's visiting, but I'm carrying a lot work-wise, some health stuff's going on, and Halloween was coming. And I had this great idea for what we were gonna do, but then it was sort of falling apart. And so to be able to say to them, I kind of feel like I'm failing at Halloween. I sort of feel like, not that anyone put the pressure on me, but I feel like there's something there. These are their magical years of life and I'm not able to provide the magic that they want or deserve or something. It's not even like they want, it's not like they're coming to me saying, make my Halloween amazing. Right. Yeah, and so then for those two grownups to carry it with me, like, oh, cool. Well, here, Sean will make dinner. Becca's gonna grab a sheet and make a costume. She's a ghost now, that was easy. Let's go out and see what we can figure out. Jouelzy's not feeling good. So, okay, Sean's gonna take Jouelz. We'll take the bigger kids, because we've been working, so we didn't go out yet. And it was this really cool collaboration of everybody who cares about everybody. We all care about everybody involved. Let's make this evening special. And if I had just sat with my own feelings, my own feelings were like, well, you're already feeling at this and now it's your responsibility to make sure everything gets done, the people in my life wouldn't have even wanted me to do it like that. If they could hear me think that, they would have interrupted me and said, please don't think like that, that's not real. So yeah, just like the openness or you asking Connor to help with meals so that you could do these other things, that's love anyway. And it turns out in that circumstance, what you needed was actually not more time. What you needed was some assistance from some other people. Time was actually fun. If you had plenty of time, there was plenty of space. Nothing was squeezing you. You needed some support in this really particular way. I would have needed more time if I actually was gonna do all of these things by myself. But why do that? And to those of you whose kids are really young still, you don't have to carry holiday magic by yourself. That's something really important to remember. You might be the one between the two of you, between you and your partner or between you and your in-laws or whoever who feels more of the magic inside of you. Like I know what that's like between Sean and I, I'm definitely like the twinkly lights one and like the smells and all of the things. But when the kids are little and you are the main one nourishing them with your body or handling sleep or whatever, this is a great opportunity to hand off some of the holiday magic to the other people in your life and trust them with it and say like, here's some things that I love to do. Could you lead the way on this? Could you drive us around and we could look at lights or do the things yourself? They do rise to the occasion. The people in your life will, even if they're not naturally that way, if you help them, they will help you. Help them know what you need. I feel like what you're describing is actually like an economics principle about like the specialization of tasks of being like, you could do all the things. Some people have specialized skills. If those people go and do these tasks that don't require their specialized skills, they're actually not available for the thing that they're really great at. And organizations and operations and like all the way from a family up to like corporations to like nation states, right? Like if we organize tasks to keep the specialized skill person in their spot, just the things that like really only I can do. And there's a bunch of them. In fact, too many, but there's all this other stuff that anyone could do. So like how flexible can we be about the stuff that anyone can do, even if we would do it better? Cause that's a big part of the problem is being like, well, but I would be better at the menial thing too. So I just want- And you probably would be, and that's fine. That's fine. Really good, really good to hand it off. You know what you're getting so good at is delegating and trusting, empowering. And next year you can do the better job at like the tree or the whatever, the plans. Maybe you're gonna love it. Maybe some weird, weird thing is gonna occur because actually your husband had like a weirdly good idea and everyone thought it was so funny. And now that's a new family tradition because you didn't do it perfectly. He actually did it imperfectly in a way that was so fun. Yeah, that's right. That's a good point. But I had a thought when you were talking about the, oh, the hurry voice with your children, that this was the succession of thoughts. Oh, and also that will only make them frantic. They hate that. That's too stimulating. They're actually now gonna have to push back on you because they don't like the thing you're doing. And then the next cascading thought was, oh, and also my insides hate that. That's the wrong voice to actually make me speed up. And now there's going to have to be something inside that pushes back on me for managing me so badly in a way that's making me uncomfortable. Like the thing of like, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry. Like that's actually not the correct voice for making things move quickly because things that move quickly are things that move smoothly. And smooth voice is deeper down in the register, a little quieter, clear. It's down at their eye level or up at my own eye level. Hey buddy, I really need you to move pretty quickly from here to there. Do you think you could, as fast as you can, go get these two things and bring them to the car? Go, go, go, go, go. That's actually a fast voice. Like that's what, and for me inside of being like, listen guy, you, Lane, all you have to do is edit this one thing. And then after that, we will make a whole list of all the things you're worried about. Don't even worry about it. Just do this one thing quickly because you're actually really getting in my way by thinking about a million other things. Whereas that harsh, rough voice, just, it just, it pulls my shoulders up around my ears. It makes me agitated and squeezed inside. And then I'm bad at stuff. Not only am I busy, but I'm bad at things now because I'm not in like an open, free space. That is exactly what I feel about this partnership that I'm doing with this car company that I'm so thankful for. But when I sit down to work on one, I know that I actually have to submit six, right? So I'm really only responsible to edit one and I am good at editing one. I know how, I could do that easy. But it's when I'm looking at six, like I'm not, I'm looking at one, but my head is in the six and I'm feeling the pressure of like, hey, can we receive your videos by the end of the day? Honestly, maybe they could if I wasn't so freaked out. But I was describing it to Sean this week of like, it almost paralyzes you when you're sitting down for one, but you know you have a pile of stuff behind that one, that all of a sudden the creative energy that got you the job to begin with has fallen flat. It's so weird, but yeah, it's exactly right. If you can calm, be more tender, be more zen, and just like, okay, we're here now, we're gonna do this thing now. Yeah. Yeah, and with Eloise too, I sometimes, it's weird how parenting your kid makes you like go backwards and become a kid and figure out what was going on. Because I was rushing her to get to school and she was running late and I was feeling embarrassed already of that moment where we have to walk into the attendance office again late. And so I'm rushing us, I'm sort of scolding her, like, come on, babe, because she is a slow morning person, like her big daddy-o. And so I'm like, please, please, please. But then I'm realizing in the car, like, for what? What's the worst thing? What's about to happen? Because I used to think they were gonna kick us out of the school, because we live out of district and it was a whole thing, but I've been late plenty of times and nobody's threatened that, and we weren't that late. But then I'm realizing like, I'm putting this pressure on her because I actually feel pressure because I hate that feeling of walking in late. And I hate the reputation that we've earned walking in late. But honestly, we're doing our very best and we live 30 minutes from the school and we've got two other kids to get to school at the same time. And it basically like flipped in my head where I'm like, yes, of course we wanna be on time. Of course we do. I don't wanna be late and yet I'm late. So what? That does not have to ruin our car ride. We can laugh all the way to the door. I can smile confidently at the attendance office woman. So sorry, really, really working on it. Great to see you. At least when I'm late, I get to see you. And that can be enough. And it's weird how like, I actually had to go back to like little kid Jessica who hated walking in late to realize that I'm adding all this weird stuff. And so then Eloise too, she's like, it kind of sinks when we walk in late, but other kids walk in late too. And like, as long as we're not too late and I don't really like it when kids look at me when I'm late, but basically like, she's having all the same thoughts going on as me. And we're doing our best to get her there on time. And we're almost adding to the torture. Like it sucks enough to be late. We don't need to also have a terrible 30 minute car ride and then get all the way there and be like mopey and so sorry. Yeah, I think there was a thing in me before that used to think like, if I suffered enough for the thing I was doing wrong, that it would somehow make up for the fact that I did it wrong. When in fact, actually I heard this thing from Dr. Sam that's from like a, I think it was like a famous Vietnamese monk, but I don't remember that person's name, where he created this math equation that was suffering equals, shoot, like pain times resistance or something times resistance. The idea that if you bring the resistance down to zero, then whatever the other thing is, is being multiplied by zero. So the suffering is zero. Yeah. Okay. So like, if you're in the car with Eloise, you're already, you can't stretch the time out, right? Like you have no effect on getting there any sooner. You're already there. It's a God damn beautiful morning in Los Angeles today. Yeah. And I love being with her. And you've got this beautiful fun daughter. You guys have 30 minutes that you get to spend with just her. And she's so funny and cool and probably thinking about the most interesting things since her brain just went through its rinse and wash cycle while she slept. Totally. And like, you guys could have, that could be this not frenzied, not painful, not squeezed thing. And that part is literally within your power. Yeah. It's, this is actually something that has happened, I don't know, in the last month where I've totally changed the way we do mornings. And yes, I try really hard not to be late. That's real. And I do schooled her if she's like laying, you know, just trying to play with Wilson. And I'm like, please, come on. Life has to go forward, kid. But yeah, when we're in the car, we are gonna enjoy that car ride and we're gonna play loud music and we're gonna talk and laugh. And she always says the most profound things. Actually, I'm gonna tell you what she said this week because I told Becca and she was like, that you should tell your podcast. Okay. So on Halloween costume day, somebody dressed like the 80s, like really cute little like aerobics outfit. And Eloise loved it. And she got home, she just couldn't stop talking about it. She changed into that outfit and then that's what she wore trick or treating. And then she was like, honestly, I would like to wear something like this to school the next day. And I was like, you can, it's so cute. It's just like leggings and long socks and shorts and like a little cute. Just cute, like windbreaker outfit, high pony, bright scrunchie. She just loved it. And then we're driving to school and then she's like getting a little bit in her head about it, which is interesting because she's only eight. And so I feel very lucky that she lets me in on these thoughts. She's like, you know, I love what I'm wearing, but what if people think I look weird? And I was like, well, this is a great question. I'm like, so you love what you're wearing, right? Like very creative, bold, because it was very colorful. And she knew that it was a costume to someone else the day before. And I was like, you know, in fashion, like a lot of fashion designers and people who are very successful creators, they were weird to someone because they did something that was different, but actually they're very successful. And she's like, well, what if I don't end up being a fashion designer? I was like, well, you don't have to be, I'm just saying you're a creative person and it wouldn't be that crazy if you were weird to someone. She's like, do you think that we could practice right now some things like I could say if someone says something to me that I don't know what to say back? And I was like, okay, sure. She's like, could you tell me I look weird? And I was like, okay, well, how about this? Just inviting you into the play, this is so cool. I was like, okay, first, can I tell you how good you look? Because I think that's probably what you're gonna hear more. So let's practice what you're gonna say to the person who says I like your outfit. So then I told her and she was like, thanks, I really like the 80s. Sometimes I wish I was born there, but I don't really know much about it, but I just like the color. I was like, that's so cute. I have so many ideas for supporting this new interest. So cute. So she was like, and I think I would like the 90s, but I can't really tell, but I think this jacket might be from the 90s. So it was just really like her bubbly little brain. That's so cool. So then she's like, okay, now you have to do the one that I really want. Like, tell me I look weird. And I was like, okay. So I'm like, I think you look weird. I think that looks like a costume. And she said, well, that's a matter of opinion. I was like, okay. Nailed it. Done. Perfect. And then she's like, okay, but now what do I do if, so by this time we've already gotten to school and we're walking, and there's all these flower bushes all around. It's really beautiful. She's like, what do I do if people are just looking at me and they're not telling me what they're thinking? But I, when they do that, I feel inside like they are making fun of me. Which, how amazing that she would even put words. You're so emotionally. Yes. Her ability to interrogate her own thoughts is the thing that the rest of us are working on for the rest of my life. I know, and let me talk about it. I have thoughts. I don't automatically believe these thoughts. I think about these thoughts and I trace them to their origin and I make a choice about them. The rest of us are just like, they're looking at me. Yes. It was wild. So then we were walking by these flowers. So I'm like looking at them. I'm like, well, what if one flower said to the other flower, oh my gosh, all these people are looking at me. I think it must be because I'm weird. And she laughed and I was like, the other flower would say, of course they're looking at us. We look amazing. Just enjoy the fact that they're looking at us and be happy for them, for seeing us. And then Eloise was laughing like, yeah, be happy for them for seeing the bright colors if they're looking at me. And I left being like, man, that, after I dropped her off, that is what we do. And that is not our natural voice. It's like, be happy for them to see us. Be happy for them for being in our presence. Be like the flowers and be made to be enjoyed. I love that. She designed an experience for other people and how cool for them that they get to have it. Yeah, I was like, be like the flowers. We're gonna be like the flowers. She's like, yeah, I'm gonna go in and I'm gonna be like the flowers and just be enjoyed. And then later I asked her like, how'd it go with your outfit? She's like, great. Like people like it? Yeah. I'm like, okay, that was so cute. Anyway, that was, yeah, you learn a lot from being. So if I had gone with what I had been doing this frenzied, even in the car, like we're gonna turn on music and we're gonna try and calm down. That's what I would do. I would try to calm down from the way we've both gotten so worked up. It worked, calming music is calming. But then we didn't have these amazing conversations. And so then now, because we both get in the car and we're like, all right, cool, here we go. And we've made a point, like smile big at the attendance office leader. No more going in and being like, so sorry. Oh, I need to write her a pass. Oh, cool. Okay, here I go. Gonna do that. If you're annoyed at me, I'm annoyed at me. Welcome. This stinks. Yeah, that's, gosh, that's so cool. Ooh, that's so cool. That's powerful magic right there. Magic. That you're describing. It's good. And when I was in my 20s, I was at like a church thing and this lady was talking and she was saying that doing nothing is not a waste of time. It's actually often the most healing thing that you can do. And you almost always have a moment. Like in life, almost always you have a moment and you likely will waste more moments being stressed and trying to pressure yourself, right? As opposed to if you are allowed to take a moment to do nothing and notice. And I remember her like feeling the wood arms of the chair. It was so sensory the way that she was talking about it. Like I have this hot cup and I can feel the heat and I can smell the thing and I can feel the arms of this chair and they're solid and the chair is holding me. There's so much to notice and there's so much space in every second, right? Like our existence is mostly space. There's space between your neurons. The universe is held together by what we're calling dark matter, which is mostly like just space, right? Like there's so much room in our lives and we could pretty much always take a moment to do the nothing and let the space heal us and bring us back here and like do its good work on us and then carry on to the next thing. And I see you talking to the mom who's feeding her baby like every three hours. And we scroll, usually we get to that spot and then we're like so kind of, we feel what we feel. So we often miss the space because we just like numb out. Yeah, isn't that interesting how you feel frantic or frenzied so you do a thing that's more frantic and frenzied but somehow it numbs us. Yeah, yeah, but I just think that's what you're saying. If you're a mom who is baby feeding around the clock, maybe just be invited into like the first couple minutes of that process, just soaking, like I'm not saying like soak it up. You really need to feel joy. That's not what I'm saying because actually sometimes you, if you're breastfeeding, sometimes you feel really low for a moment. I'm just saying be there, like fully be, hold your baby's body, allow yourself to sit. What are you sitting on? Like let it be soft. Don't just hold your arm up, put something under your arm, let yourself be cozy and held. And even if you're not breastfeeding, if you're in a time of life where it just really is chaotic, there's so much going on and there's so many people's schedules to accommodate. In certain moments when you feel really frenzied, pause and feel what's around you, like feel with your hands. Like what do your pants feel like? What does the couch feel like? What does the wall feel like? What's going on in your space? What does it smell like? Try to bring yourself back. Lately, what I've been doing in my house more is like when the kids are coming home and I know that energy is gonna be really kind of chaotic, it's afterschool, pre-dinner bedtime chaos, I'll turn on really slow classical music before they walk in to sort of set the tempo for how the space is. You can light a candle for the smell or you could bake something or simmer something on a, I don't know, on the stove. I don't know how homey you are. For me, I'm like, just light a candle. And yeah, anything you can do to appeal to your senses, the sound, the beauty of the space, it's crazy. The more chaotic that things have been lately, the more we have gotten rid of stuff in our house. I just can't bear clutter. I mean, clutter is not good for any of us, right? It increases your cortisol from what I know. But I just have a lot of kids and they love to collect things and then they just bring it home and then, yeah. So it's, to help me, we've made spaces emptier in our house just so that I have a sense of peace. Your house is really peaceful. Her house is really peaceful. I believe heartily in negative space. I think your eyes need a place to rest. Yeah, it makes sense. I have collections of spots where there's a ton of stuff and then a bunch of space in other ways. Like I'm also changing your environment, curating your environment to help you be in a zone that you like to be in, even when you're doing things that either you don't like to do or that there's just way too much. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, shifting that environment or shifting your body. Connor talks to me a lot about shaking up the energy. He's like, okay, get up, up we go. We're gonna do some pushups. We're gonna go outside. I do that too. Or like jumping jacks mid project or pushups or walking, take a lap. And I often will be working on something that takes a lot of focus for Very Good Mother's Club. And then we're like, we need to pause and take a lap because our brains are gonna explode, it's too much. There's nothing that we can do to turn ourselves into like doing machines. We're just, we'll remain organic human matter experiencing stuff. That's right. And so we have to do the very human organic real things of experiencing our time. Even if it's cold where we are, bundle up and go outside. It is so hard. I know bundling up all of these kids and they have to pee immediately after you've gotten them bundled, but go outside, get some fresh air, feel snow on your fingertips, like anything to bring you back to human. I am a human, I am a human. I'm just here to grow alongside everything else that's growing here. And the bonus is that you actually will be more productive like genuinely, like returning yourself to a regulated, connected, real state actually will make you more creative and more efficient and more thoughtful. And it will take down all of the sort of like, mirages and illusions of extra stuff that we're adding to the very real things that we have to get done in life, almost like rain sort of like knocking all the smut out of the air. Again, we live in Los Angeles and life is much clearer after the rain. Like you can just literally see farther and you can see what's real without all these extra things that we're adding to the fact that there is quite a lot to do. Yeah, and don't forget to mute things. Like don't forget to mute accounts that make you feel crappy. Don't forget to turn off notifications on your phone. If you are trying to get something done and your phone's getting a lot of texts, like turn it on, I don't know, do not disturb or sleep mode or whatever that would quiet the sound because sometimes that is adding to the chaos or just bad news. There is so much bad news available to us to see at all times. Yeah, something I was talking about with Becca this week is just like within my immediate circle of people I actually interact with, there's already a lot of things that require strength and energy and grief and big emotions, right? Outside of that, we have this access to social media which means you hear every bad story of every algorithm will pump something at you that will get your attention and it's very intense. We need to quiet that stuff when we're able, if we're feeling overwhelmed by what's right in front of us. Yeah, yep, yep. Try to shift our vision to like what's real, what's mine, what's for me, what's for now, what's for later. That's great. And see where we can pare things down because you are not running out of time and there is space. And finally, people, you need friends. You need other people to connect with that can nod alongside you and be like, yeah, I feel some version of what you're describing. I have been through that or I'm about to go through that or if I was going through that, I would feel the same way. Or they need you, they need your wisdom. Could you please tell them what you did when you went through the thing they are now struggling with? One really great community we'd love to invite you to be a part of is Very Good Mothers Club. We have this membership community. Lane and I lead a Zoom call in there once a month, but we're also just active and moms are active from different parts of the world and they're amazing. We have all kinds of resources available to you inside of there. So join, we'd love to meet you and we can actually talk in real life. That's the thing you might not realize is you can get on these calls with us and we actually know you and we become friends. It's really nice. So we'd love to see you there. And anything else we need to invite them to do, do they need to like this podcast or rate it? Yeah, if you are getting anything out of this podcast, it's so much more helpful than can be expressed to rate it wherever you're listening, to leave a review if you're on Apple Podcasts, to comment if you're on the YouTube video. You interacting with this does get it shown to more and more and more people so that we can expand our circle and bring more moms into the love. The love. Okay, you're doing great. You look beautiful. Go have a great day.