How to raise siblings who actually like each other.

me giving my Children each other is like handing them winning lottery tickets everybody. Welcome back to my channel I'm so excited to hang out with you. Today's video is gonna be like last week's video I just make it and Throw it on the internet and let it do whatever it's gonna do and a couple of you said that you liked that style of Video if you don't like that style of video feel free to let me know and I will try to plan a schedule that involves More editing. We are gonna talk today about sibling relationships and oh look you see my spider mains Okay I told Sean recently that I wanted to get my spider veins zapped away and he was like what they're just veins Humans have veins. Yeah fair perspective, but also He's six foot five. He probably doesn't even see him. He's so tall. I'm down where the people are We see him So if you have ever had anything done about veins Will you tell me if it was a good idea or do you recommend it? I don't know just something I've been thinking about I coach moms for a living It is my passion and my profession. I lead a community called very good mother's club of the most beautiful hilarious wise Wonderful women on the earth. We have two coaching calls every Tuesday one at 8 a.m California time one at noon California time and then all throughout the week. We're all chatting on whatsapp People are giving really sound advice. They're encouraging you can go in any time of day and be like This is what just happened to me My husband and I just went through this or I'm going through a breakup or my child just said this or my mother-in-law just Did this and people are giving such solid advice such a validating hilarious Wonderful feedback. It's life-changing it's changed my life truly and I had the gift of starting it if you need some more support in motherhood or if you want to learn about the other Coaching opportunities I have there's a link below that you can click It'll ask you a few questions about your life Help me understand who you are where you're coming from and then we can see how we could best serve you. Okay? Now speaking of our coaching calls on Tuesday this week. We were talking about our views on Sibling dynamics like how important are those dynamics? What if your kids don't get along and the way that this came about was I said my parents Really helped me to understand that my siblings were so important Like I remember specifically my mom saying that my sister was gonna be my best friend throughout my life that anywhere I traveled because my mom and dad were military when I was little so we lived in England and Korea like everywhere I went I would have my sister. My friends would change but my sister would be there. I have a half-brother He is like, oh, maybe 15 years older than me I wasn't aware that he was my half-brother until I was older and understood like oh, that's what you call them I just knew he was my brother and he was important and he was so cool and funny He didn't live where we lived. But whenever I would visit him, I thought he was just the coolest I had two stepbrothers. I I still technically have two stepbrothers. So my mom's when they got together My other mom she has two sons and they had been in our life since we were little little I actually had a crush on one of them. Have I told you this? I probably told you this I was in third grade. He was in fourth grade. I had a crush on him and then guess what? He became my stepbrother throughout all of my upbringing I knew that these guys were important like all of these dynamics that we have Matter because these are the witnesses to my life I know now that if I want to talk to somebody about I don't know my parents or one of my old teachers or something We went through these are gonna be the people who are right there with me Remembering the same things I remember and that that's so important This video is not to make anyone feel bad for only having one child So if you're watching this and you're like, how dare she talk about this? I'm one and done and I'm happy that way Amazing this is not a video for you. I am so happy for you and I'm for you Okay, if you are watching this and you have one child, but you're thinking about having more children Keep watching because I would love to help encourage you to have another baby if you want one okay, this is such a personal decision, but truly I Love that. My kids have siblings. I think me giving my Children each other is like handing them winning lottery tickets I remember one time a friend told me that the reason why she only had one what she did only have one she said I'm only having one because I want to be able to fully pay for her to go to college and I think if I have to I won't be able to pay for them to go to college and for me I super highly value education and when she said that it was so helpful because I Realized that actually my value is Entirely different I if I was faced with the same dilemma if I have one kid I can send them to college if I have multiple kids I can't pay for them to go to college in my value equation. It is more valuable to me That I give my children each other than it is for me to pay for them to go to college Okay, this is such a personal value metric But what I want to be able to do in this video is cast some vision for you help you to really understand that this Is so special that you have birthed your own team and that these dynamics that our kids have with each other is Not just luck. We're architects We get to help build the first friendships that these kids ever have the first Relationships they have or ever have and then they will build beyond that with each other But also with the friends they make and then they're gonna learn how to treat each other's friends And it's gonna be this really special thing. I Want to add a caveat to this to say well two caveats, okay one is I Understand that there's only so much we can do right we can do our very best for the amount of time that we have with These kids but ultimately they're gonna grow up to be adults and they will then decide what kind of adults they are And if they grow up to be little punks that people don't want to be around or a little rude Judgmental crazies ultimately if they don't want to be friends with each other, it's it's out of my hands That's now their adult decision-making at play and I have to watch and accept accordingly, right? But I made notes over here, so I don't talk too much But again, it's not all luck so we do everything we can to help them enjoy each other and then the goal is at least in my house is that they Continue to enjoy each other as they grow up and that we can all have happy memories into I Don't know when I have gray hair and grandkids and all of that the other caveat I want to say specifically for my own household is to my knowledge. None of my children are neurodivergent I say to my knowledge because I have a lot of adult friends who are getting diagnosed with ADHD and autism and they've lived their whole life not knowing that they had it and so I don't know I don't know enough about how it works. But to my knowledge, my children are not neurodivergent, which means The things I'm saying are more straightforward I work with families who have children who are on the spectrum or have just kind of all kinds of things that they're needing extra support for and I recognize that that is going to impact those kids abilities to relate to their siblings and Then it's not as straightforward then it's more unique and complex and so what I want to do is speak to the value system and like the lens that we see these sibling relationships through and Then based on your unique situation your precious kids the circumstances, right? You're facing then you can hone in and make it very specific to what you guys are going through. That's I'm good, right? From the time that Wilson was born so Eloise was an only child for four years I didn't get pregnant until I did and then Wilson arrived and then surprised Juliet arrived just over a year later From the moment Wilson was born from the moment. I was pregnant and we were aware of that We acted like this was so important to Eloise. This is so so important You're a little buddy. You're a little pal your best friend your guy. He's coming and then when they come out You know, they're really not that interesting. They're just sort of sleepy little cutie blobs We made him interesting. We made him funny and fun I'd use as a little foot to like kick doors open and then we'd giggle we would I'd be like Oh Wilson wants to watch you do that. Will you do that again? Oh, isn't she awesome? And then we would do the same thing Wilson. This is your big sister. She's so cool She loves you so much. You guys are gonna have so much fun together pretty soon once you learn how to have fun and Then same thing when Jules arrived if you were here for that, you know that Wilson did not respond very well to Jules He was like another baby. I'm already baby enough for all of us What are we doing here? And yet there she was and still we're like, this is amazing You guys get to have three like three winning lottery tickets in this house Fantastic exceptional like we're elated right all of the good adjectives We really went into this believing that that was true and then Reinforcing it through our language when one of them's born The other one has a gift for them like they they didn't think of any of that We thought of that because we're trying to paint this picture and cast a vision for them That this relationship that you have is so special and cool and exciting and You're rich. You're rich. In fact just like last week. I think we were talking about billionaires and Sean said to Eloise well, you're kind of a billionaire and I didn't know where he was going with this and She was like, what do you mean? And he was like, well if I offered to give you a billion dollars in exchange for Wilson or Juliet Would you do it? Would you take a billion dollars and give up your siblings? And she was like, no, of course not and he was like see you're like a billionaire, too you're rich and obviously that's a cute silly thing, but what a Mentality if these kids can understand that it will it will be the underlying piece that helps carry them I told you that my sister and I value this right? What I want to add is my sister and I have had all kinds of issues my siblings like my family We've had mental illness in mental illness in the family Divorces all kinds of pain and you know cancer and hospital stays for various family members and Rehabs and there's enough drama inside of my family to make for a very good sitcom of or sitcoms don't have drama What's the just a movie? I guess do you sitcoms have drama? This is the problem. It's not editing you What I'm saying is if we wrote out my family's story, it would make a good show And at the same time because we share this value system that these Relationships matter and that they are for life. We're lifers here The explosions might be big but the repair is immediate It is it is so quick There might be another follow-up explosion like how you have an earthquake and then you have like the quick follow-up earthquakes Whatever those are called. Yeah, we have plenty of those but We know and we're convinced and I could call my sister and she would say the same exact thing Yeah, we are it we are locked into this relationship and we're obsessed with the fact that we have each other and we wouldn't trade it even on our worst day, we wouldn't trade trade each other and I say that because I think sometimes what social media can do is it can paint this picture of like well sure Jessica you could Say that because your life is perfect, which any of you who know me even a little bit know that life has not been perfect There's been plenty of challenges and then those of you who've gotten to know me more you're like wow You're you're a miracle lady. And yeah, praise God There's it is a wonder sometimes We all go through hard things And if you have the right value system underlying your actions It truly does shape the direction you go and the the way you choose to repair broken relationships and stay in them So then if you rewind that back to kids, how do you instill that in children? You are the coach not the referee. That's how I heard somebody say it and I thought that was pretty cool What you're trying to do is you're setting up like the the framework the the rules for play Okay, you can be mad, but you can't be mean you Are gonna need to learn how to share but you also are allowed to have your own possessions that you're not ready to share yet You are gonna have times where you will be playing together and it's an expectation that you'll figure that out But I will also help give you guys some time apart from each other because I know that distance makes the heart grow fonder I know that in order to desire one another you need some some separateness from each other as well You can feel bad feelings toward your sibling, but you cannot say I hate you I don't like you I wish you weren't here. None of that language is allowed in this in this game in this Team in this culture that we are setting inside of our own house. We get to decide that as parents We're the pilots of the plane or the I don't know what all these analogies You're the CEO of your own home And so we get to decide how they do it, but we're not the referee which means I don't intervene every time they have conflict I actually really believe that they are meant to teach each other things They are meant to teach each other how to be good listeners They are meant to teach each other how to not talk too much stop talking so much. You're talking a lot You need to calm down and listen to me Like sometimes I watch them say this stuff to each other and I'm like, thank God because if they don't do this now in our house You know who's gonna do it? The person in college or like the person that they're trying to date who's like, oh my gosh This person will not stop talking. I used to work for a nonprofit Worked there for 10 years over and over again what I saw which has Really impacted the reason why I feel so strongly about this What I saw was that the people who came into this nonprofit and here's the context These were people who are graduating high school mostly and then they would come so this was kind of like going to college for them and then they would move on to the campus and they would live with other people and then they would travel overseas live somewhere internationally for three months and they would have to live with even more people get along with more people and What I saw over and over and over again Was that people who didn't have siblings struggled a lot more than the ones who did and I I Recognize like the ones who didn't have siblings. They weren't at just naturally there. There were a few exceptions Less than I wish there were I wish there were more exceptions, but I'm just gonna be totally honest with you most of them they Struggled with talking too much, but not listening very well and not knowing how to share We had an extreme case. This is actually the situation that made me realize like oh, it's all the only children They don't know there was also this sense of entitlement Yeah, there's a lot this one particular individual. She taped actual tape across the center of her dorm Which didn't make any sense because the closet that they shared was on her side and she actually thought this person would just agree not to come use the closet she taped it and was like, all right, that's your side and this is my side don't cross sides and Now this person I got to watch and see them really grow and she became such a warm soft kind I mean, she was very boundary informed She know how to set boundaries but she didn't know how to honor other people as well and listen and share and all of these Fundamental parts of being an adult and she was able to learn it. She also had really funky sleeping attire I shouldn't say too much because they might be identifying to anyone who knew me in that time of life But yeah, that was the one where I was like, oh it's the only children no wonder because the rest of us who have siblings we have had to argue and Fight for things and we've also had the gift of like someone showing up at our game and cheering for us I remember I loved these particular families growing up who had really strong family identities one of my best friends and Kristen Carlick, I Remember that they would have shirts like Something carlick pile up or something like they would go on family trips they do this now with their spouses and their children and They have a strong family identity and I always thought that was so cool And now as we raise our kids I've gotten to give that to my kids where they've got ho ho ho over hats and all the cousins wear them and it's beyond Just a cute family photo. It's a sense of belonging It's a sense of communicating you're a part of a group that loves you and also expects things of you We expect you to help out. We expect you to Contribute but you also can expect from us That we will show up for you that we will play with you and laugh with you and help you when you're struggling it's a it's a core sense of belonging that I really think has Has the ability to fully shape a life to create a very secure Individual on the other side of it and so and I say that Kristen the one I was talking about She's so great And she is a really secure individual and I think having a strong sense of family identity Helped that I haven't asked her. I should probably ask her that here's some things we can do Oh, we're not gonna be the referee meaning. Sorry. I'm kind of jumping places Don't don't interrupt every time your kids have conflict. That's the thing. I've been learning. We don't want to interrupt We want to let some things play out now I do interrupt sometimes if it gets too intense or sometimes I feel like I Know what the real issue is like the real issue is you guys haven't eaten lunch and you think the issue is that you guys don't Know how to play together, but really you're hungry or you're tired, which is a theme that comes up in a lot of my videos I know if you're hungry angry lonely, you're tired. Everything is harder, right? So there are moments where I'm like stop stop. That's up. Everybody come eat a snack We're gonna figure this out then you guys can deal with your Lego drama and it'll all be fine But a lot of the times we're just letting them have their hard conversations. We're letting them sort that through because it is Shaping them and it's so nice sometimes, you know I've done a lot of that with Eloise and then now she's the big sister and she gets to do it and then I've heard Wilson do it and then Jules II she's our little caboose, but she's fierce And so she's happy to share the things she believes with the other kids and that's fun Then you get to see the work that you've put in kind of come back out and they're all parenting each other Which is great. I try not to compare or rank I feel like you know that and actually to be honest that part came It's harder than I realized because I thought of course you don't compare your kids Like obviously, you know, that's gonna feel sucky if they perceive that you are putting one better than the other That's not gonna be good. But in a weird way it happens Especially the closer in age they are you almost don't realize you're doing it like oh so and so potty trained way faster than this one or this person learned this skill way faster than that one and So I do think that kind of naturally happens and you don't realize that you're comparing in a way that could feel bad to them I think that's gonna happen what I I have been aware of personally and I believe in so I'll share it with you But you you'll have to give me your take on this too I think it's really Individualizing the kids that is helpful Recognizing who they are as personalities in their strengths and their skills and then speaking that over all of them I mean it's happening right now because my two youngest are learning how to skateboard But one of them is stronger. My youngest is crazy brave She's dropping in on these huge ramps with all these grown men around her is a very impressive And so we kind of can't help but talk about it because we're like, oh my gosh, that's crazy And then her older brother is Strong in other ways and I was sort of having a hard time because I'm accidentally Really talking about the drop-in thing because it's crazy But then what Sean was able to do because he is a skateboarder professionally He was able to be like, oh what Wilson's really good at is is like the street skating me He made up his own trick. Isn't that so cool? Eloise has got her own stuff that she's amazing at if you can kind of individually identify what's awesome versus Stacking them and who's better than who Does that make sense? I feel like it makes sense but it is actually hard to do because you do it accidentally and then don't realize that it could be perceived as Something that would make them feel funky We did a call two weeks ago in very good mother's club where I asked the moms what did your parents do that made you feel loved or what were moments where you remember feeling really loved and Multiple people on both calls said I loved it when I could overhear my parents speaking highly of me I just want you to tuck that in your pocket kids love it when you speak highly of them around them Even if it's not directly to them But if they can overhear that you are speaking highly of them Oh, it does a lot for their heart. And so that's easy. We could do that Oh something I learned when I was studying leadership and business and nonprofit organization That applies to parenting so much is that Silence from the people at the top think about your work if you have a career that involves like bosses or superiors silence from the top is Perceived as rejection. This is so real. I I work a payroll job. I have bosses there I've worked other jobs that I've had bosses if they don't communicate anything at all to me. I Assume Naturally that they're not thrilled with my work if I go see them if we're at an event and they don't say anything to me It feels like rejection and I I'm probably more sensitive than other people But I also recognize that that's a true statement that people who are over other people if you are a manager of people at your Work, you need to know that generally speaking if you're not calling out things that you think they're doing well, they are interpreting your silence as Rejection and the same thing goes for parents if we're not actively communicating the things that we see in our kids that we think are awesome They are over time going to perceive that as rejection and you know what some of you had that experience I I know because I coached moms and dads both and you'll tell me oh my parents never told me they loved me They never told me what they thought was great about me And then once I was an adult My my dad told me he was proud of me and I cried on the spa I couldn't believe it because it was so profound. I had never heard him say anything positive about me He probably was proud about that child his whole, you know raising them But he never said it so they perceived the quietness as rejection So I just want to encourage us to be speaking out the things we see in our kids that are awesome to them and to other people and to our partners and just let That be a way that we love them and that can be helpful to counteract any sort of comparison We might be doing I sort of touched on this but shared experience. That's like bonding currency. So because I want my kids to Be bonded and really like each other I think about that when we're planning vacations or we're planning a weekend or just anything is like I want you guys to have lots of opportunities to Bond and connect and I feel like that's gonna be even more important as they get older and they're very peer-oriented I want them to have friends. I love friends and also have been sensitive of it when For example, like if my oldest brings a friend into the house who talks about my younger kids as if they're annoying This has happened to me. So I'm calling from real experience here where they're like, oh my gosh Your little siblings are so annoying and then what I notice is my oldest kind of wants to fit in right like wants to be cool and so then it's like oh, yeah, they are and The crazy thing is that's not even her personality at all Outside of this particular dynamic, so it was very new to me to see this play out but what ended up happening was I I kept sort of intervening when I sensed that they were speaking badly to my Younger's because my younger's my air ones because it was happening and this is like a whole very specific situation But Sean and I ended up processing it after so what happened was we separated the crew so that the two girls could just have friends time because probably that's why it felt annoying was just they wanted to have friend time and They weren't getting that because the little ones wanted to be a part of it So we gave them their time and then we you know Entertain the little ones so they could have their time and then afterwards we had a conversation With my oldest around, you know, here's how we talk about the kids If you're ever being bothered by them in that way where it's affecting your friendship Why don't you come and tell me because at that I mean my kids are so little at that point They're just like what do you mean? We're annoying. We're the same as we were like 30 minutes before your friend got here But maybe they weren't, you know, sometimes friends bring out weird versions of your kids. That's the whole other thing so all that to say I'm also sensitive to how other people come in and affect the sibling dynamics because we also have other friends we've brought in the house and They're like obsessed with the kids and they all play together. So good and that is really fun to watch And so yeah, maybe more of that and then the other people who are like you kids your siblings are so annoying We just have to figure that out a little differently Sean and I decided that next time those the girls play together because we actually love this little girl She just doesn't ever hang out with little kids We just thought maybe they could have separate playtime like at a different place not with the younger ones. So it's not an issue. Okay My friend has twins and he was saying the twins are gonna be in the same class this next year But they picked this school because they actually like all the teachers in that grade And so if it ends up being too much that the twins are together in the same class kind of doing everything together They want to be ready to give them some separation from each other so they can live some independent lives to help them Still enjoy each other and I thought that was wisdom. It does make sense. And so for our own kids We're also thinking about that. We love when they can do activities together We love to sign them up for stuff that they could do as a little team But also they need their own individual passions and friendships and hobbies and stuff It helps bring about desire and then they can show up in their relationships desire It sounds so mature, but they're just little kids, but you know, then they want each other more shared experiences inside jokes family rituals I feel like you already know how to do that If you want more practical things like what can you do to make the sibling relationships fun? I just really think it starts with believing that these relationships matter and then you can cultivate all kinds of fun like do some people have family mottos once we tried to come up with a family motto because Eloise needed us to for school And I was like, maybe our family motto is always make mistakes. I Actually meant it Because I come from a perspective and a personality that's like don't make mistakes. I'm a perfectionist It would be so terrible to fail biggest fear is failing And so I was trying to counteract that with always make mistakes at both Eloise and Sean were like mom It's the worst motto ever always make mistakes, but now it's our joke family motto And I do say it anytime the kids make mistakes. I'm like, oh good job. You did it now We got to figure out how to recover but nice work, but some people have real family mottos that helps with the family identity Oh, yeah, I did say protect repair. We hear a lot about repairing relationships Well for kids to have good relationships with each other They're going to need help repairing after conflict and then they're gonna need to see repaired model repair models between you And your close relationships and so for us in our house It's like helping them to make up after a fight helping them to forgive each other helping them to be kind to each other after But also realizing like if they're having a big explosive moment forcing a sorry right in that moment might not work They might need to take a few minutes and then come back together and say sorry and I forgive you and blah blah blah Celebrate each other. Yeah celebrate each other like crazy That's the fun part Cheer each other on show up to each other's wins if somebody's in a sport or a play or Anything somebody wins an award at school, whatever Celebrate like crazy. This is your teammate. This is your person and so we can all be excited about each other I'm gonna end this is this helpful I would love to know if this is helpful for you again If you feel like you need coaching whether it's group coaching or personal coaching there's a link below that you can fill out to receive more support from me and my little team and Yeah, I just think you're doing so good again the type of person who comes on the Internet to Seek out ways to be a better parent and a better human You're already ahead of the rest of us and I'm so thankful that you would spend your time with me If there's anything you want me to talk about it would be so helpful if you would suggest topics below But yeah, I'll be here next week and I would love to see you on a coaching call if you need friendship and support Okay, see you soon. Bye