Why ASIAN Parents Are So HARD On Their Kids

what are the actual cultural reasons why so many Asian parents are so hard on their kids let's talk about it well it's because we come from overpopulated Agricultural Society so we really value filial piety and plus if you don't want to end up a farmer you got to be a scholar it's that simple well we got to talk about it Andrew this is going viral right now Andrew so many people on so many different internet forums are asking what are usually the reasons why Asian parents are so critical of their kids is it insecurity or culture this guy goes on to say man nothing's ever good enough you have to strive for money you're a failure if you're not a doctor and even if you achieve it and you get the high status in the money you're probably not going to be happy as the kid raised by these parents oh man this is so relatable to so many people on different levels I think I relate to it not because we had the strictest worst parents by the way I love them very much but we got a taste of it okay so you know we're we're in there far enough but obviously I know plenty of people people in our community and friends of friends who went through it on the extreme level so you're talking about the eight out of 10 the N Out of 10 10 out of 10 toxic tiger parents we know some people who have them oh I've seen it I've seen it firsthand but we're going to talk about it seven reasons why Asian parents are so strict on their kids to a point where the kids don't love it uh and it makes them very unhappy and possibly resents them but I hope that if your family is or was like this that you can learn something from it and at least talk walking through it uh may help you make sense of it all and we're not here to make excuses for Asian parents but we also do want to understand and empathize to an extent real quick I got to Define what is culture because he goes is it the insecurity of being an immigrant which totally contributes to it right but he says is it the culture I got this chart Andrew what is culture child rearing methods is right next to religion food language folk art celebrations jokes and mannerisms so child rearing is part of culture right right and I would say this like I can speak for Chinese culture Chinese culture has like deepr rooted culture and all those things all those bubbles right and sometimes some other people's cultures at least of what they know may not be as I guess well defined in those bubbles but I can tell you this Chinese has been around for a while so they definitely got those bubbles defined and to Define how you even raise a child there's culturally regulated customs and practices physical and social settings and psychology of the caretaker parental ethn theories and then of course Andrew there's this Asian kid on this book titled child rearing practices attitudes and cultural differences we're talking about Andrew every single Asian-American movie has been about strict parents turning red farewell tiger tale etc etc Joy L Club was about strict parents yeah man it's deep it's deep with the Asians um Confucianism Andrew within Confucianism the child is viewed as a direct extension of the parents and ancestors almost s sharing a singular unbroken thread whereas in the west it would be like separate macaroni noodles strung together on a necklace but the macaron macaroni noodles are not the same noodle they're they're they're separated right so I guess what I'm saying is it's all relative to a scale anyway let's get into the number one points Andrew number one point the number one reason why so many parents are strict on their Asian kid filio piety like we said oh my goodness filio piy just pop up the definition right now it is considered a key virtue in Chinese and other East Asian cultures and it is the subject of many many stories right I mean we're talking about be good to one's parents take care of the parents engage in Good Conduct obey the parents not just towards the parents but also outside of the home uh be a good representative of your family yeah listen to your mom uh ensure male heirs obviously this is old school so uphold fraternity among Brothers uh give wisely advice to one's parents and so basically filial pety in the traditional sense is all about essentially being good and obeying your parents and obeying your ancestors or doing right by your ancestors I should say right right right and uh it's interesting Andrew in Yun Shang which is late night noodle spot in Chinatown New York City it's yam and the crossing bridge noodles they literally have the fop quote in the restaurant yeah it's insane no and and by the way guys uh you know we're not Confucianism experts but I will say I've long known that filal pety is one of the highest priorities in Confucianism and Confucianism is one of the main influences in like Chinese basic that's the weirdest thing because in the west standard you're allowed to question your parents and your parents have to give you an explanation but in a lot of old school Asian culture you're just like why do I have to do that and it's like because I said so that because Dad said so so you're doing it doing cuz Dad says so right and sometimes sometimes it could work out but sometimes it could really not work out and I think that that's why you see such variability because I know people with tiger parents Andrew that resent them for it deeply but other people that are go ah you know they train me pretty good so I'm a strong soldier of Life yes uh guys again I don't think Philly opy in itself is necessarily bad I think there's a lot of great virtues to it I think that sometimes though uh if the parent is telling the kid to do something they hate all the time then yes the kids will resent or if the parents and are basically telling them something that was right 500 years ago in Asia but does simply doesn't work in America in modern day the misalignment the outdatedness there's a misalignment because like Asian parents maybe their goal they're not all like deliberately trying to morph you or shape you into a fully uh like super Western person because they can't maybe they can't do that for you so they're only just raising you how they know anyways no no they're raising you to be the Winter Soldier instead of Captain America right Point number two Andrew they're strict in Asia even more so so why wouldn't Asian-American parents be more strict than your average white black latino parent yeah this at least on grades this is pretty self-explanatory but let me just describe generally how strict it can be in Asia I mean they have like the GAA which is this big huge like entrance exam that every takes actually they have the same thing in uh Japan and Korea Taiwan as well same thing no no in all the East Asian countries for sure I I think they probably do it in other countries too but it's a huge deal in these countries I'm saying like like kids are training for years and they all shut down it stops like all activities so that people can take it it's like the SAT times probably times two or three importance man probably times 10 yeah because in Asia at least in China I don't know how it works in other countries uh you get slotted into your major based off your test scores so so basically if this test means so much of course parents who care or can care are going to be super strict on you to do a good job on the gaow because it's going to determine so much of your life moving forward as far as like oh which college you go to what kind of uh tier of society you're in da da da da da right right right number three they're in Survival Mode here in the US as new immigrants they're going to fall back on what they know and understand yeah and I think for this it's like a lot of parents like maybe they don't know all the ins and outs of America and maybe English is their second language or third language so they're not top tier at it but basically they're going to rely on like being strict because they just know being strict works and maybe they see the things in the news in America or the music or the cultures and they they like you know what no no no no no like I don't know really what the right answer is but I just know I'm going to keep my kid away from this right and it depends on how much they assimilated what specific subgenre of American or Western culture they assimilated to some people call it a trauma response a trauma response in a person decontextualized over time looks like a personality trauma in a family looks like family traits but it's actually it looks like culture but it's actually just trauma this is what uh some people believe about traumatic Asian culture that people misinterpret just because they grow up around it as culture interesting do does they have an example of the traumatic that how trauma becomes a personality you mean kind of just like like being scared of everything because maybe you had trauma and oh Asian culture I'm scared Asian culture is being scared and I'm like yeah I guess I could see how you arrive to that conclusion but that's like a uh your own trying to make sense of the world around you and you kind of get it on in the right direction but not on the dot wow that starts to kind of make sense to me that's very interesting right right right and and you know I think a lot of people are tapped into like only Old Paths of being successful it's not that the Asian parents are fully wrong being a doctor is a good but hard life but there's just way other ways that they're not aware of uh way more Pathways that they're not aware of Point number four immigration is more of a self- selective population due to how many Hoops you must jump through to even get from Asia to the USA yeah get more ambitious people yeah I mean I would say there's on the Spectrum from there's two types of like Asian immigrants primarily it's the ones that struggled to come here or maybe came over here as refugees right so maybe not the most ideal situations but you know at least they got to flee their country and are in a safe better situation and then on the far end it's the it's the parents who made it over here as students or high Achievers in something they came over because they have a supreme skill or the high skilled worker or something like that so anywhere on that Spectrum they can have different ideas on how to eras you and I've seen friends from families who are more maybe on the refugee side who their families are just really happy that the kids are healthy and all together in America like they're just happy that the family's together because it was so tumultuous to make it here right and whatever was going on in the motherland and then on the other side I've seen the far extreme where it's like these parents come you know maybe their parents are super educated and super high achieving so they have they're building in from the get-go these high expectations like they got to planned out our kids are going to learn piano our kids are going to learn Chinese their parents are D and then they're going to go to Harvard and I still I'll tell you the extreme of that we have we know somebody and he was our neighbor for a while he's not our neighbor anymore so I can say this he was an IV League lawyer and his sister became an artist that just like hosted art galleries and didn't make a lot of money and he hated her like a op he treated her like a op because he was like well my parents like her more but she just became Art Gallery director and I'm the ivy league lawyer me me and nobody liked that guy but he couldn't understand because he was so tapped into the feudalistic old school rankings that his parents put him into so that that's like we said that there's there's there's list as a parent as immigrant parents or any parent you're hoping that your LZ Fair kind of like uh let the kid choose and then the kid will be happy and hopefully be successful everybody's hoping that works out but obviously a lot of parents don't want to take that risk so they're like oh we're locking in like I'm locking this guy in he they know what to do after when they go to school and then from dinner time and then after dinner time I got it all planned out uh Point number five even if they're not happen to be uh even if they your parent is not particularly ambitious themselves relative to other immigrants they might get sucked into that style simply through peer pressure for example in the movie D deander which you just saw Joan Chen is almost basically like a single mom and she doesn't she's not hyper academic herself but she feels pressured by her friend group to put her kids in all these like crazy SAT prep classes and after school classes so it's almost like even if you're not individually like this once you get to a country where most people who look like you are doing that thing you just fall into that pattern yeah it I think it's really interesting because obviously how you look or in an immigrant's case country of origin usually outward at first defines your immediate Community because you're going to be probably more close to the other families that are like youer infrastructure of life and things yeah so you're going to join the Asian church or your Vietnamese church Filipino Church Korean Church Chinese Church Taiwanese Church whatever whatever right and when you join those communities you can't help as a parent to fall into some of that peer pressure oh their kids doing that oh their kids doing that oh you guys are doing that with your kids after school oh my gosh and then you're thinking like you as a maybe as an immigrant parent you don't even care that much yourself but you also care how other people perceive your family so you're about to push your kid right Point number six Andrew wealth in general is just very highly valued in Asian culture yeah yeah because uh generally you know outside of a few countries religion is not that big a part of Asians lives it's more about achievement and wealth and some people and on the outside say materialism yeah I mean I mean I think the materialism in across Asia is getting a little out of hand as I think materialism in the Western World and maybe all over the globe is getting out of hand but those are your hyper capitalistic places right America and East Asia yeah and maybe I I mean I think you know even other very highly religious countries like maybe they value like if you're a good Steward of that religion more maybe if you become a pastor or priest or a a a a you know the the leader rise up the hierarchy yeah if you're a leader in that religion maybe you know your parents are still very proud of you but obviously if the country of that you come from is not super religious then you won't care as much right right right I think that it's just like about caring about things like if you look at Serbia in the Olympics andraw how they were like they almost beat Team USA and it wasn't because they were more talented it was because they cared about winning for Serbia so much more than Team USA even cared about winning for Team USA so it goes to show I mean caring can get you pretty far at least in spurts Point number seven they live vicariously through you and view you as an extension of themselves oh man do you think this is the hardest part for a lot of people because like we said there's entire Reddit forms dedicated to Asian kids or half asian kids who are complaining about their toxic Asian parent and the philiopiety and the weight of their ancestors like I said it's not it could go it's about the application in your own life it could go either way yeah I think it's really tough and I can't say that I've experienced this firsthand but you know for some friends of friends that I know where they're like their immigrant parents might they parents grew up in a better family but then they became refugees due to the war they came to America and the parents didn't make as much of themselves as they hoped so then they put all those expectations on the kids to kind of make up for it you're saying to regain the Lost Glory yeah to kind of regain the glory of the family and then by that they're pushing their kids super super hard um and it's just really tough man I mean I think like I think it's really interesting for this point I don't know if this applies to every strict Asian parent but sometimes I would like Wonder to like let's say for example Asian father to Asian son like if this Asian father sees this Asian son as an extension of himself then you really got to look at what this father is teaching his son and why right like is he does he care if he's socialized does he care if he's like working out does he care about all these other things no I even if he is a becomes a pro verbio unic in the western anglosphere uh the unic they still rise up their their status in the Imperial Court right so then in that case that Asian father is just kind of one trck minded so I don't know if that means he sees him as an extension of himself because is that how you would treat the extension of yourself but maybe there you know no one's perfect so yeah I definitely think that uh like I said man you see some Asian parents that did a 10 out of 10 jobs seven six 5 4 3 2 1 and you know maybe they were 10 out of 10 and giving their kids the the the the the academic coaching and then in terms of socialization coaching especially towards the sons man I give some of the dads a three out of 10 rating o but they're like you know for me I only cared about the academic side I didn't care about the sun social side because the social side is only going to distract anyway well guess what social life still matters man still affects how you're treated it still affects how you feel about yourself what you see when you look in the mirror friend groups Etc ultimately guys um here like we said here's a few more charts about the culture wheel what is culture these are I think these are pretty good ways for people who didn't study you know whatever anthropology in college or whatever let's just take a look at these questions right here I have no these comments I have no idea I watched The Joy Luck Club and the mom says aim for the moon even if you miss you will still land in the Stars basically tiger parents push their kids so hard that even if the kid fails they're still successful it's a weird form of tough love yeah yeah yeah and I guess I mean I feel like in a way they're being super super strict Sports coaches but of a sport that you can't get out of you know what I mean like it's like a sport you're forced into and you have a very very ambitious pushy coach which the coaches would say that type of thing like hey you know what you better train like you're going to go to the NFL and if you don't maybe you get a college scholarship you know or that's kind of the thinking so I get that that does does make some logic that's logical logical yeah yeah yeah I mean obviously I would say maybe the easiest movie that was popular was uh there was a movie of the uh Russian pianist who was like trained by his father and he ended up homeless and then he was he was like playing Liberace out of 10 out of 10 level and shocking the world based off a real story but uh obviously had a very traumatic childhood um this guy just said you know for example uh why we've seen so much bad stuff happen in Asia as a parent why would we want our kids to end up like being these like low-level people in the American society we came from a place where we saw all the horrible outcomes of that because Asia Society Andrew is pretty harsh to the I guess lower tier ranks of society so that was somebody's explanation of it and of course this other person explained it from a sociological standpoint Andrew uh Asia for a long time was a highly populated Agricultural Society basically everybody had to know their part in the system that's why the nail that sticks out gets hammered down so everybody is thinking within that agricultural feudal imperialistic society and how to rise up you would much rather be a farmer I mean I'm sorry you much rather be a scholar than a farmer so basically if you're those are your two choices you're going to be tilling the fields or study your way up to be this like Imperial person in the court that's a way better life yo that's so funny can you imagine that in some Asian parents Minds in America they're thinking like okay so what is my son going to be either a farmer or a scholar hey what do you want to be a farmer or a scholar and then the son's like that why are those the only two options in America like what about a real estate agent or something right some real estate a lot of real estate agents especially the more upper half they make a lot more than Scholars do in terms of annual income or what about a graphic designer Dad yeah right that maybe doesn't make as much as a real estate agent but it's all variable if you top what I'm saying is that there's more options than that right right right um ultimately I think it's better to feel intrinsic motivation a lot of ambitious immigrants they're going to poke their kids with the stick you know how like you can poke your kid in the ass with a carrot or you can put the carrot in front of them or there's like a lot of ways to use the carrot I know it's a stick I just you said poke the kids in the butt with a carrot but uh it's like it's better to have intrinsic motivation it is but some parents are incapable of imbuing their kid with that you know what I mean so it's like it's pretty variable based on the family you were born yeah I mean I I think all we hope for in the later generations and this is not to dump on the generations before you know obviously people had varying uh a varying difficulty with different parents but I guess like all I'm hoping for is like the next generation of parents like they just understand that there's other ways to do it and that they can figure it out and your kid could be meant for one of those other ways yeah they could be but it's your op you know say don't crush it if your kid's got a talent for being a small business entrepreneur then let them be a small business entrepreneur because in America that's incredibly lucrative if you do it the right way like more so with in other countries you know um I think everybody in life has different Baseline genetics and um you you get in a lot of confirmation loops and confidence Loops in terms of like oh yeah I'm good at this thing so I keep doing it and then I get even better at it and I get more positive feedback same thing with negative feedback you tend to stop things that create a negative feedback loop in your uh within yourself and obviously a mixed approach is the best with some slight you know bamboo style flexibility for everybody's individual differences but I tell you this Andrew do you agree with me that the kids that are Asian-American right now that are 10 years old are going through a very different experience more gentle parenting than the previous generations mhm yeah for sure right because they're going to be adapting to it and you know I'll tell you this it's always easier as a parent to loosen up than get stricter so I guess it's not terrible that we're coming from a stricter more hardcore judgmental Baseline but definitely try to fix the flaws and keep the strengths of whatever you can all right everybody that's it let us know what you think in the comments down below about why so many Asian parents are so hard on their kids and is it going away but definitely hopefully uh we were breaking down the cultural reasons why a lot of our parents especially the ones that are probably 55 years old and higher you know those parents definitely probably on average we're a lot more strict but anyways guys let us know in the comments down below what you think was this video helpful hit us with that super thanks please like And subscribe leave a comment and until next time we out peace