how to be a better conversationalist | learn how to talk to anyone & attractive conversation hacks

There is one thing standing in the way of who you are now and who you aspire to be and that is your ability to have a conversation. And when I say conversation I don't mean talking in the group chat. I mean being able to walk into a room and holding the power to be able to start a conversation with just about anyone. And yes I understand you might have a thousand different excuses about how you're shy or socially awkward or you're an introvert but guess what even introverts have the ability to be able to walk into a room and absolutely command it. As someone who is an introvert herself and has spent her entire life being socially awkward not being able to even make new friends because I was so intimidated by social interaction I have now done countless public speaking opportunities. I have gone to dozens of networking events. I have used it to attract the right people into my life to grow my business and even to build the confidence to get on camera and build my career. I now understand the ability to be able to converse with absolutely anyone and in this video I'm going to teach you how to do it. So as always here are the video chapters. Don't forget as always the pre-order link to my new self-help self-love guide book is below in the description along with all of my other social links. A Facebook group you guys can join to connect with each other. My self-help podcast available on all platforms Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, you name it. So be sure to check it out and before we get started this video has been brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all-in-one website platform designed for entrepreneurs to be able to stand out and succeed online. So it does not matter if you're managing a growing business or if you've just started or just had the idea for your side hustle and you have absolutely no experience no matter what your age or experience level is Squarespace is going to help you out in growing your business. Squarespace makes it easier than ever to create a beautiful website, to engage in your audience and to sell absolutely anything whether it's content or time. My personal favorite feature about Squarespace is the wide variety of website templates they have. As somebody who never knew how to set up websites, I personally set my first one up when I was 17. Website templates save you and it allows you to come off as professional to your customer base which guarantees more sales. There is nothing that turns off a potential customer like an unprofessional, ugly website. But Squarespace doesn't just stop there, they take that extra step in also offering a wide variety of beautiful and professional email templates to make sure that your email marketing game is up to scratch. This helps convert your already existing audience into more active customers on your websites so that you can increase your turnover. 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One of the main factors that can cause social anxiety in the first place is feeling this need to over perform or create this facade to appear how you think the other person wants you to be especially if you're introverted or socially anxious like I once was we naturally have this feeling that we need to act in a way that is different from ourselves and honestly this just stems from inherent insecurity or years of feeling like well if I couldn't speak to people for so long that means now I have to be somebody different in order to change the results I'm getting in social interactions. It truly all comes from a fear of rejection and not gaining that validation from other people and we put so much pressure on ourselves that that's what causes us to set out or mess up or have all of these nerves around approaching that person in the first place when really the secret all along was just to validate yourself. One of the biggest lessons I learned on my journey is there was nothing wrong with you in the first place and the reason you were struggling to talk to somebody is that you were trying to approach that situation as somebody you're not. You were trying to be more confident, more louder, more outspoken, more bubbly but if you're not those things and you're a naturally reserved, quieter, shyer person that is okay. You can be perfectly confident while owning all of your authenticity. It's about detaching from the process of trying to predict what people are going to judge you as or perceive you as and instead finding confidence in who you already are rather than who you think you should be just to be accepted and I already have an entire guide on my channel about mastering social confidence which is going to help you guys with this but this video is more focused on conversational hacks. Mindset shift number two. We often assume that we can't talk to people because the environment itself whether it be networking, school, the workplace makes us feel uncomfortable but your mindset needs to be switched to I am going to build up the most confidence and the most discipline if I consistently step out into that environment that makes me feel uncomfortable until I grow so numb to it that it becomes my new comfort zone. It sounds super scary but in my personal journey allowing to see other people at my most vulnerable sped up the entire journey of going from introverted to be able to adopt extroverted traits whenever I needed to. What I mean by that is starting a conversation even if I haven't rehearsed the conversation in my head yet. Approaching a group of people that I normally wouldn't speak to so I can't even suss out how the interaction is going to go. Showing up to a situational networking event unprepared unfamiliar or completely alone without a friend by my side. Along with this because I used to be so trapped by the horror that would come with being in an environment where I can't predict what's going to happen and it's super scary instead I would shift that to practicing to visualize the best case scenario and then I would get super excited about stepping outside of my comfort zone and I know it sounds super simple but think about it the reason that you experience all of these nerves and anxieties about talking to new people is because you're only ever thinking about the negative outcome but those negative outcomes haven't even happened yet that is you visualizing the worst case scenario so why can't you just flip on your head to give yourself that boost of confidence instead of thinking what if no one likes me what if people are judging me what if I don't make any new friends what if this is a life-changing event what if you learn things that change the trajectory of your life what if you meet the people that you have been waiting your entire life for and any single time I don't want to turn up to an event because I feel like I'm just not gonna have a great time I think hold up I haven't even experienced it yet I haven't even been there I don't even know these people what if it turns out better than I could have ever imagined and side note even if you don't make friends and even if people do judge you and even if the worst case scenario happens which is you are alone in a corner and no one talks to you it is the experience that counts is the memory that counts and most importantly it is the lesson that is going to guide you on the path that you are meant to be on I can't tell you how many times I have been in social situations where I didn't particularly enjoy it or I didn't make friends and it taught me not only so much about who I want to hang out with and what are my preferences when it comes to social interactions and who I want to be friends with but it also taught me so much about myself I think a lot of the time we think that things need to be perfect in order to have a good time but really the negative experiences contribute so much to our growth and how we move on to the next phase of our lives so take them in your stride and the last point of this chapter before we get into all of the pro conversationalist hacks is the reason that you are so socially anxious is because of the story you decide to tell yourself based on the feelings that you are experiencing because you got nervous that one time you spoke on stage because you've had a couple of instances where you were too afraid to approach someone at a networking event and the confidence didn't magically come to you you decide to tell yourself the story that you are not the type of person that can do those things you can't speak up in public you're too shy you're so socially awkward you're not that kind of person you're not a people person please you can decide who you want to be any day as soon as you wake up you can completely reinvent yourself you are not your limiting thoughts or your insecurities or even your experiences because how can you be your past if your past does not exist plus on top of that a lot of the time we create these stories based on the feelings that we have but your feelings are irrelevant because your feelings are just representative of your brain's desire for comfort and familiarity your brain is constantly in this survival mode where if it hasn't experienced something before or if it cannot suss out what the predictability of the situation is it automatically tells you this is a danger zone and that is what brings up all of this fear and nerves and anxiety and obviously that is not definitive of your capabilities that is just your brain operating in the way that it should you need to start depending on your logic and this leads us onto chapter number two pro conversation hacks step number one change your subconscious mind because honestly this is a thing that is holding you back and creating all of these nerves in the first place now there are two different ways to do this i personally love visualization but another super easy hack is to simply change the narrative of everything you encounter so if you walk into a social setting and you are naturally intimidated because somebody has a better vocabulary than you because they seem more confident because they have more friends they are not better than you they simply have more experience or they have a different skill set to you in fact it makes sense because they're a completely different human being with a completely different life path why the hell would you expect them to be the exact same as you and i feel like we look at these people and we get so intimidated by them but we don't realize that we also have a different skill set from them and we have so many things that they are probably lacking and we never give ourselves credit in that way we need to finally start owning and giving love to who we are because just because somebody's louder and talks to more people and is more energetic in their energy doesn't mean they're better than you just because you're more quiet and reserved okay because you might have the ability to hold a deep and meaningful conversation you might have the ability to share your positive energy with other people to put a smile on their face just because somebody else is really good at something does not take away from all of the strengths and the gifts that you have i personally like to change my subconscious mind through visualization so when i'm going to sleep and i know i have to turn up to a new event all by myself or network with people once again i visualize the best case scenario and i visualize who i want to step into when i'm in that environment what energy do i want to give off how am i going to be super confident how am i going to approach people and start up conversations and offer value to them and make their days a little bit better and walk away from that experience having gained so much wisdom and lessons and growth and discipline having steps outside of my comfort zone yet again and i also think this links into the thought process of i am not going here to make you like me of course you're going to be hella anxious at the thought of that that's terrifying i am going here to live my effing life i'm going here to learn more about me i'm going here to make sure that i don't stay stagnant and doing the same old ish every single day of my life it is my birthright to enter these new rooms to speak to new people to see what my abilities are to be able to develop new abilities by doing things i've never done before and i'm telling you when you make these shifts when you change your subconscious you become the type of person that has confident body language that has the ability to maintain eye contact and that is when people start flocking to you because when you're so detached from oh my god is everybody gonna like me that's when you finally start to attract these people into your life conversation hack number two use the familiarity concept a lot of people don't like small talk and yeah all of us just tend to do it because it's easy and it's quick and we don't think about how we can offer value in that situation now when you're meeting new people when you're at a networking event the go-to thing is hi how are you how's your day going when'd you get here how'd you know so and so and it's yes no him her there's no detail right and so what you need to do is when you get asked one of the first most basic questions how are you instead of saying good now you need to be honest now you need to act like you and this person have been besties forever not in the sense that you are about to overshadow your entire personal history but you are going to either offer up a little bit of vulnerability just to open the floor for some different topics of conversation or you're going to give more detail about your day the reason for this is you want to be able to give the other person something to work with so someone asks me how are you and i say good then you have your awkward silence and that's not good for anybody but if someone asks me how am i and i'm like oh i'm good i went on a walk this morning and then i tried pilates for the first time it's so good oh my god have you tried it and then you can start a conversation about that or anything else you did today or how you've been feeling in general this approach works so well because you instantly come across so open and friendly and it relaxes and puts the other person at ease and also makes it more likely that they are going to then open up to you this links onto pro conversation hack number three make it all about the other person your entire focus in a conversation should be on the other person not only from your eye contact and body language but also in your questions and topic of conversation i personally think that you should refrain from speaking about yourself almost completely so my favorite hack when it comes to this tip is i like to act as though i am about to date every new person i am speaking to i know but stay with me here the reason i think like this is that it helps me think about questions to ask them that aren't your generic small talk questions because think about it if you're on a date with someone you are one-on-one you are committed to getting to know this person you want to build a bond with them but when we meet strangers we don't know how it's going to go we don't know if we like them yet but acting like you like someone and acting like you have genuine interest in them allows you to see them in their authenticity more it allows you to learn more about them and it allows you to practice your pro conversational skills when you're on a date with someone you take genuine interest in how they are in what they do and what their interests are how do they spend their time and you need to be given that energy to every stranger you are meeting because honestly when i am speaking to somebody new and they never ask me any questions about myself and they are just simply telling me over and over and over again everything about themselves i'm instantly turned off by it and i am so bored why would i want to speak to somebody who doesn't have genuine interest in me so that is a trap to avoid plus using this technique of questioning the other person and making it all about them is the perfect way to assess whether they're genuinely interested in you too because with every deep and meaningful question that you ask them if they answer and then say oh what about you i'd love to know this about you it's a major green flag pro conversation hack number four keep it personal if you have time to prep before a conversation absolutely do so make sure that you know a few facts about the person before you approach them whether it be what they were showing on their instagram recently what they do for work when they got married what holiday they went on recently remembering specific details about a person and incorporating that into a conversation with them instantly makes you so much more likable for example if you know what their job role is ask them how it's going working in that city in that industry who they've met yet what experience they're having what the work-life balance is like what they like most about their job you become very likable when you go from asking super average questions like the average person like how did your work day go to how did your project go did you end up finishing it how did it turn out or what did you do on the weekend to oh how did your meeting go with your friend or did you like europe what did you go up to when you were there pro conversation hack number five go on a tangent between questions where appropriate with everything i've said about holding a deeper meaningful conversation making it about the other person questioning them we do not want it to sound like an interview or like you're obsessed over the person because that's not the vibe so instead of jumping from question one to question two you need to use that question one answer to form your next point before eventually going to question two if question one was what did you get up to on the weekend carefully listen to their response and then talk a little bit about that whether you've done it before if you want to know more about what it's like if if you'd like to try it if you have recommendations around that form of activity and then when the conversation starts to run dry again then you have question two to back you up not only does this show the person that you were genuinely and intently listening to what they were saying and remembering details about it but it makes sure that the conversation doesn't appear like an interview it gives you a longer conversation running time and less pressure to think of even more questions and it shows you're taking a genuine interest in getting to know them it's basically the best hack to ensure that you don't run out of things to say pro conversation hack number six listen to understand not to respond it is so important to remember what the other person has said and that sounds so simple and yet it is going to separate you from 99 of the average conversationalist because a lot of people listen when really they're just thinking of what they're going to say or ask next rather than actually retaining information that the other person is telling them plus it is a proven psychological theory that if you listen well enough and then repeat what the other person has said at the beginning of your next point is going to make them like you more plus people always want to feel seen and heard and you need to make that your mission anytime you walk into any sort of social event plus your goal should always be to provide value one thing that truly changed my social awkwardness into social confidence was instead of going into a room and thinking what if people don't like me what if i don't make friends what if people are gonna look at me or talk to me or like me two how can i put smile on someone's face how can i make somebody's day better how can i have a meaningful conversation with someone your focus immediately shifts to the external instead of the internal because if all you're concerned about is yourself you immediately forfeit your opportunity to remain present in that situation which automatically makes you very unattractive in any social setting you aren't thinking about how you can show up in a meaningful way to other people so why would they want to continue to talk to you or even approach you when your energy of worrying about yourself is literally showing to everybody around you but if you approach it like i want to try and offer some value i'm okay i'm calm and collected i'm not thinking too much about yourself you appear way more confident and way more detached plus if that's your focus chances are you're going to do a way better job actually holding a better conversation with people because that's what you were thinking about instead of does my hair look okay and the final pro conversation hack is we all know the importance of eye contact in appearing socially attractive but many of us underestimate the importance of a familiar smile this is actually a trick i learned from reading the entire book how to talk to anyone i read this recently absolutely changed the game for me i highly recommend that you guys have a read and the book says that you should approach people like you've always known them you don't just smile like you know like you're awkward and you're just giving a stranger a smile just like appear like you're not as awkward as you are you smile as if they are your friend that you haven't seen in a very long time those two smiles are very different if you think about it and you are going to appear so much warmer so much more open so much more confident because you're not doing that awkward little please talk to me please like me and it's important to remember that everybody else is just as anxious as you are and everyone is waiting to receive some sort of validation or signal that they are liked by other people if you just take it on yourself to give that to other people i promise you you're already way more likable than being that person that's also waiting for everybody else to turn up for you it's all about providing the comfort and approval that everybody else is too afraid to give out first and finally chapter number three actionable steps that you can use to make sure that you implement all of the advice that you learned today homework task number one form a list of your new go-to talking points and memorize them this essentially means that you are going to be prepared for every single conversation you can google them you can think of them at the top of your head some of my favorites are how is your day going how do you like to spend most of your time what did you get up to on the weekend have you been on any holidays recently so like i'll use what i've done recently to then form the so if they're like oh how are you already i'm not going to say good i'm going to give them detail if i just got back from a holiday i'll be like oh did you travel recently or what's on your traveling bucket list for this year etc homework task number two we are so used to thinking about what we're going to get it's time to do the opposite and think about what we're going to give i want you to take a second to think about what you would love to receive within a social setting and i'll think of how you're going to give that to a person at your next social event you need to have your mindset ready to be able to offer up value to everybody you speak to instead of thinking about are they going to like me or am i going to make friends homework task number three actually talk to new people socializing is like a muscle the more that you practice it the stronger it's going to get so start putting yourself in more social settings whether it's joining a workout class whether it's shooting your friendship shot over instagram dm whether it's meeting up with a friend of a friend whether it's talking to a stranger on your next solo date this allows you to become more disciplined in stepping outside of your comfort zone and actually learning how to speak to new people because the first few times you might stumble across your words you might run out of things to say but say what the sooner that you get all of the little failures out of the way the sooner that you're going to be a pro at conversations because you would have learned what you struggle with and then how to fix it and the final homework task is to reprogram your subconscious mind by listening to affirmations that align with your social struggle now you could potentially find these on youtube but i think listening to affirmations is so much more useful when you record them with your own voice so you can record them into your phone and make up your affirmations as you go and this proves so effective because you know your social struggles and what you need to fix and what you need to reprogram in your mind like no one else meaning these are going to be so aligned to you and it's going to improve how much they are going to work for you you are always the person that's going to have the best affirmations for yourself so record it into your phone and listen to it repeatedly to reprogram that insecure subconscious part of your mind and that brings us to the end of the video i hope you guys enjoyed it if you'd like a part two on pro conversation hacks let me know by commenting below and also be sure to check out my master social confidence video because it massively links into this one and they'll definitely go hand in hand in making sure that you are super socially confident thank you so much for watching all the way up until here i'm so proud of you and i will see you same time next week for a brand new video every friday be sure to also check out my vlog channel as well linked below in the description i appreciate you bye