Melatonin Is My Drug Of Choice. Alaina Hirschi - Full Special

All right, so good to be here with you guys. Thanks for coming out. Okay, all right. Listen, I don't know if you guys have ever noticed this, but every once in a while I will meet somebody who is really good friends with both of their parents. I think that's a little weird. That is an either or situation. You're only supposed to get one parent who you're really close to, who's super accepting and loving and supportive. And the other one is your dad. He's just a guy with a CPAP machine doing his best. I think a lot of people might guess from looking at me that the only drug I abuse is melatonin. And they'd be right. I don't know that much about drugs, but a friend of mine told me the other day that he just read this study and scientists proved that sugar is more addicting than cocaine. And I was like, that's super interesting. It's also probably the least helpful information that's ever been discovered. I don't really know what they want us to do with that data. There's not a lot of practical takeaways unless they're recommending that we substitute sugar with cocaine. I think it's a bad idea. Imagine I show up to family dinner on Sunday. I'm like, hey everyone. I made my famous crack cookies. You guys are never going to guess the healthy ingredient swap that I made. I bet you can't even taste the difference, but you will feel it. I don't know. I can already hear the YouTube fitness influencers. They're on their channel. They're like, I love this new diet. Ever since I started eating cocaine instead of sugar, I have so much energy. This video is sponsored by the cartel. I feel like that would be like discovering that milk is more fattening than bleach. What are we doing here? To be perfectly frank, I do not believe that sugar is more addicting than cocaine. I don't know if you guys know anybody with a drug problem, but I do. You're better off with sugar. I have never met anybody in my life whose parents had to kick them out of the house and were like, listen, we love you, but your sweet tooth is tearing this family apart. Stickin' with Skittles, so. I'm a marketer. That's my day job. And because of that, I like to pay attention to ads that I see out in the wild. And I was driving the other day, I saw an ad. It said, a world without elephants is unimaginable. And I was like, that is so weird. Because it is super easy to imagine a world without elephants. I do it every day. Here's how you do it. Think of the world, take out the elephants. Okay, it's not that hard. I can do it right now if I just close my eyes. I did it. It's so natural, okay? And maybe I'm unusual in this, but elephants haven't really played a big role in my life. They haven't been a big influence on me. I think I'd be the same person, have the same values, everything, if the elephants weren't here. Basically, I have a hard time imagining a scenario one day where I'm like, well, maybe if the elephants were still here, I wouldn't be in this gang right now. I'm not anti-elephant, okay? I'm just anti-elephant propaganda. I think flirting is a talent. I think it's a skill just like anything else. Some people are very good at it. Anytime, anyplace, they can turn on the charm. I am not one of those people. I went on a date with a guy a while back, and I was very nervous because I thought he was super cute. But it went really well until the end when he said, "'So, how come you're not married yet?' And I was like, oh, well, I'm actually divorced. But it was kind of a weird thing to say because I am not divorced. But I was like, this will be fun and flirty. And he said, wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. And I was like, oh, he actually thinks I'm divorced. Probably because I told him that. I didn't really know where to go from there, so I said, we had a kid together. That wasn't true. He's like, man, that's gotta be really tough. And I was like, okay, he still does not understand that I'm coming on to him. So I had to lay it on even thicker. I said, yeah, things didn't really work out with the baby either, so I donated it to Goodwill. At that point, my date realized I was kidding. He also realized why I was still single. So it came together in the end. Not my forte, for sure. I did see a statistic the other day on TikTok. I'll be so honest. It said that my chances of marrying a guy who is above six feet tall, who also makes over 100K a year, is like 2%. It's not good, okay? But I'm actually dating a guy right now who is six foot five. Thank you. And once he gets a job, I'm hoping to beat those odds. It's not looking good for the time being. And I don't need the guy that I'm dating to have deep pockets, but my boyfriend has those little tiny pockets that are like sewn shut. They're just for looks, kind of like my boyfriend, so yeah. One opinion that I have is I don't think that professional bowlers deserve respect. Okay? Because like most people, I go bowling about once a year with some friends, mostly as a joke. But without fail, at least once during the game, I will get a strike, mostly on accident. If I can do the best move in your sport, with no effort, you are not talented. You're just not, okay? I can't do the best move in any other sport. I've never gone ice skating with my buddies on a Friday night and accidentally landed a triple axel and been like, whoa, that was really lucky. It's just bowling. Another controversial opinion, I don't think people with ADHD should be allowed to drive. Maybe not on board with me, but hang in there. Because listen, the number one rule of the road is don't drive distracted. And people with ADHD cannot do that, okay? It's not their fault, but they still can't do that. And on top of that, every person I have ever met with ADHD is like, yeah, I don't take my meds anymore. They all quit, I don't understand why. But I was asking my brother about it the other day, because he has ADHD, and I was like, why don't you take your Adderall? And he said, I just really didn't like how it changed my personality. And I was like, so it worked? Your personality is dangerous. I hate dishwashers as well. Anybody else or, all right, maybe I'm alone. But here's the thing, dishwashers should work a lot better than they do. They just never work. And we have the technology to do it, I know we do. Because if you look at other appliances, like the refrigerator, the refrigerator is highly effective, okay? And they're getting more and more bells and whistles all the time. They'll send you notifications, they've got sensors, they've got cameras and touchscreens. And I'm like, okay, that's awesome that my fridge can mine Bitcoin, but I just want a clean cup, okay? I think of the dishwasher as the village idiot of kitchen appliances, all right? Because the microwave kills it every time. No notes. The oven, impeccable track record. And then you get to the dishwasher and it's like, I know I was supposed to get the cereal off of this bowl, but instead I super glued them together. I hope that's okay. It's not, it's infuriating. And there's a lot of dishwasher apologists out there, okay? Because people will say things to me like, no, no, it works. You just have to clean everything off first. What are you talking about? That's the entire point. Like evidently the dishwasher sucks at dishwashing, but it's amazing at brainwashing. I just wish everybody could just admit and accept that we're hand-washing and that we're putting our dishes in their own little water park. It's fine. I have a couple of roommates, unfortunately. They're super nice. I just wish they lived somewhere else. The other day, one of them brought home some cookies from Crumble. You guys know Crumble, the cookie bakery? Yeah, all right, we got some Crumble, love. And they'll do like a different themed cookie each week. And she brought home one, and the flavor was breast cancer awareness. And I was like, that's kind of weird, right? One, because I feel like everybody is already aware of cancer. We did it. But two, I don't know what Crumble is hoping to achieve here. Because let's say somebody didn't know about cancer. I don't think they should find out through a cookie. Imagine they walk into Crumble, they're like, this one looks good, how come the chips are pink? And the worker's like, have you heard of cancer? It's a disease. Enjoy your treat. I don't know, I don't think that baked goods are the best vehicle for delivering terrible news. Imagine if I went home and my parents gave me a piece of cake and I said, thank you so much, why is it black? And they were like, grandpa's dead. Funeral's next week. Bon appetit. Doesn't make sense, why are we having dessert? How many people found out about COVID through an eclair? I just don't get it. I also think it's weird because I feel like the researchers and the oncologists, they're like, we're trying to find a cure. We need money, we need resources. And a cookie company is like, respectfully, we disagree. We think a baker's dozen could really move the needle on this. And to me, that kind of feels like the edible version of thoughts and prayers. I think the weirdest thing to me though about all this is that cancer always gets the spotlight. And there's a lot of diseases out there. Some diseases are even more lethal than cancer in the US. For example, another top 10 killer in America is diabetes. And funny enough, Crumple has not said a thing. They're not like, try our diabetes awareness cookie. Death by chocolate. Bring your own insulin. I think it's very suspicious. I don't know what Crumple thinks happens when I eat one of their 40,000 calorie cookies, but it doesn't make me feel motivated to make a difference in the world at that moment. It makes me feel sick. I wouldn't say cancer sick, but definitely diabetes sick. I served a Mormon mission. I grew up Mormon. Everyone knows the missionaries, right? They go everywhere in pairs. They've got those little black name tags. And when they come to your home, you pretend not to be there. But I did that. I served a mission. And as missionaries, every day we go door to door and we would ask people, can we teach you about our religion? And believe it or not, most people say no. And what we would do as like a Hail Mary when people turned us down is offer to sing them a hymn. In hindsight, offering to sing acapella for someone who has just rejected speaking normally to you is pretty bizarre. Okay, people were not taking issue with how we were delivering our message. It was just a message. But I was like, oh, you don't think Joseph Smith was a prophet? Well, what if I said Joseph Smith was a prophet through music? Then I think you'll be singing a different tune. It was a weird tactic and it didn't really work. Imagine if a salesman came to my house and he said, hey, do you need pest control? And I was like, no, I'm good. No, thank you. And he was like, well, can I sing something? The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Doesn't make sense. And to be honest, I don't think that the singing was helping our cause, right? Because I have a hunch that a lot of people think Mormons are a bit odd. In us showing up to people's homes, uninvited to sing ballads about Mormonism was not helping. People were like, confirmed. They're super weird. They are theater kids, but Christian. So the worst variety. But I served my mission in El Salvador and you don't get to pick where you go, right? You're signed. And when I was called there, I didn't really think anything of it. I was just excited. But in retrospect, it is kind of crazy that they sent us there. Because if you're not familiar, El Salvador is extremely dangerous. Up until pretty recently, it had the number one murder rate in the entire world. And I personally cannot imagine a group of people less equipped to live in a violent gang run country than Mormon teenagers. I had never seen an R rated movie before. And the church was like, you're gonna be in one now. They're like, don't worry though, we're gonna send you to the missionary training center first. And I was like, I need to learn how to fight. I play the piano and the organ. Give me a knife, I don't know. And they're like, no, no, it's gonna be fine. We're going to send you to the missionary training center for six weeks. You're going to learn how to speak Spanish. And how to teach the gospel. And I was like, oh, that's perfect. That's good. Because my number one concern with the murderous gang was the language barrier. So that's reassuring. But it is really hard to be a missionary because like I was saying, every day you have to approach complete strangers in the street, in the grocery store, in their home, everywhere. And just start talking to them. And starting that conversation always felt very awkward and unnatural. And I never got very good at it. But one topic I did learn to avoid was religion. Specifically the Mormon religion. People didn't love it. I did feel bad at times though, being in El Salvador. I felt like I was maybe an imposition, I guess. Just because like I was saying, it's extremely dangerous there. And so people's lives are very stressful. And I felt like they had bigger fish to fry than talking to me. Like I remember, I was teaching this one guy one day. And he said to me during our lesson, I cannot leave my house. The gang has told me that they will kill me. So I'm good here, but if I leave my home, I'm literally a dead man. And I was like, that is not good. And you know what else is not good? Coffee. You guys, that's it for me. Thank you so much.