Why Asian Parents NEVER Take Blame

why do some Asian Parents try to control your entire life and then when things don't pan out they don't take responsibility for the outcomes and they blame you I actually have a theory and I'm going to get to that so anyways uh this is coming from the Asian parents story subreddit which I think is a great safe space for a lot of people who need a vent and just kind of discuss things and and let it out but yeah basically this post is about like hey my parents micromanaged every part of my life and then out of the blue they expected me to take responsibilities for the choices that they pressure me into and this is common for a lot of Asian parents listen a lot of Asian parents they put a lot of pressure on their kids they have high expectations um there's a lot of fear involved you know I'm going to talk about that later but I have my one general theory my one main large reason why I think a lot of Asian parents do this uh unfortunately so let's get into some relatable stories so if you guys find this topic relatable please hit that like button check out other episodes of The Hop Hot Boys um so basically this guy uh goes on this rant and says you know what I have a passion for gaming growing up I almost got offered a professional gaming contract in fact I did get offered it but my mom yelled at me and told me not to take it okay she thought gaming was was frivolous of course but then later on years later when she found out how much money professional Gamers were making she said hey why didn't you do that I always supported you which is obviously not true and then this guy has this the same story that happened with Bitcoin and his father where he borrowed some money from his dad and he ended up buying Bitcoin when it was like $100 right and then his dad yelled and screamed at him for it being a scam and then uh which at that time is obviously understandable but then later later when Bitcoin shoots up he's yelling at his son like hey why didn't you buy Bitcoin what are you thinking aren't you tapped in and then the son is like dude dad you yelled at me scared me out of doing this you know so uh yeah I I I I think unfortunately uh that a lot of Asian immigrant parents either do not have recollection and actually forgot about the memory of this because they also can't imagine that their words have that much weight CU or be like what do you mean why did why did you just figure it out later even though I told you no when you were a kid just figure it out gosh buy Bitcoin um or they don't want to take blame because they feel like they provided you so much and then why would they take blame for anything bad that happened to you you know and by the way like not taking a gaming contract I think that could have changed his life or you know not buying Bitcoin I mean let's be honest a lot of people didn't keep their Bitcoin when it was like after you know it hit a uh when it was like $100 uh since then but either way I I do think that for sure I mean some Asian parents do this this other person said listen you can be the most responsible person who takes accountability for everything but then for you to have to take take responsibility for a series of choices beyond your control especially that were made when you were a kid is ridiculous a child abuse victim doesn't need to Bear the blame of their situation yes um I think it's tough because a lot of Asian parents make a lot of decisions when the kid is Young for then there's some good reason for that being like hey you're a kid like you don't know nothing like let me just make this decision for you but on the flip side a lot of these parents they don't actually understand the Environ in the space that they're in so a lot of Asian parents are taking this old school thinking from Asia but they take it to America and they're like yo I'm going to make all the decisions for you and then later on I'm not taking any blame but it's like dude like uh that's actually not fully how you succeed in this country usually um on a conventional metric but anyways this other comment goes yeah I hate this so much my mom held me back from experiencing certain things there is another uh family uh daughter who got to travel and do all these things and better herself and grow while I was kept at home and I felt like I wasn't as successful as her as it turned out because I was held back out of fear because my mom feared that I wasn't smart enough that I'd get mugged in Europe or all these different things um and the truth is a lot of parents do a lot of raising a child out of fear especially a lot of immigrant parents and they fear that there's bad influences they fear that there's prey you know they fear because they read some of the bad stories you know that happen to kids where it's like or oh this young daughter goes to Europe gets kidnapped or gets killed or this daughter but you know and to be honest that kind of stuff can happen anywhere you know and that's kind of the truth and you cannot really Shield your kid from everything and I think that you know I guess if you're not too old and you're still alive and you realize this at least I guess you have some time to make some changes I mean but you know again like I think it's out of fear that a lot of parents they hold their kid back no don't go outside oh no like you know don't don't do that oh I don't want you to travel because it's unsafe you know and then they don't trust you but it's like how come you don't trust me why didn't you raise me up to be a stronger smarter person it's like you make all these decisions for me so I don't learn and become a smart strong person and then you tell me don't do certain things and don't take certain risks because I'm not ready for it so now it's this vicious cycle uh this other comment goes uh yeah they don't want you to make sorry uh they don't want you to make any decisions or mistakes as a kid but then later on tell you that you're an idiot uh because you cannot make any decisions of your own uh I feel like I could have been a lot more than what I became uh if IID made different decisions but I am too risk adverse essentially and now I'm scared uh and yeah I think parents like losing a child or I first of all I think like for an immigrant parent like having a child die on their watch is like the worst thing ever so right they're operating on a fear as I said in the first comment but I also feel like that they don't want to feel like failures so they're telling you and stressing to you to just get the security job to get the secure uh career even though you don't like it cuz they're like I don't care it's not really about like what you like I just need you to have a job because I brought you into this world so I need you to prove that I'm not a failure because if you have no money and you have no pension at the end and then you have nothing to give us and take care of us then we are failures so a lot of them are doing it out of fear of themselves being failure as parents and they VI it that way you know that's hard to change so let me know if any of these stories sound somewhat you know relatable or familiar to you you know I have um I have a friend who's uh she's Chinese and uh uh she grew up in Virginia and her parents are very were very controlling early on she had this whole rebellious stage and then now she has to like separate from her parents and kind of like give it some space and give them the silent treat treatment because like it just got so crazy and so stressful um it's like the dad like makes enough money but then like still asks her for money and then it's like why is she got to support the family and all these relatives it's kind of crazy anyways um here's why I think the main reason is that a a lot of Asian parents do this this is just my hunch this is my theory you let me know in the comments down below and it does have to do with Confucian principles and I'm not an expert on Confucianism but I did a little bit of reading and generally we always talk about this thing philiopiety right obeying your parents and Asian parents or people in general I think misinterpret the whole filial piety thing and Confucianism and just boil it down to obey your parents like there's the overemphasis on obey your parents and not enough acknowledgement that hey in the Confucian analex which is like I guess the Confucian Bible apparently they also stress like loving your child and being a good example and being just and being respectful because in Confucianism in philiopiety it's not just your you obeying your parents but your parents are also supposed to obey their parents and set a good example for you right so it's just a chain of command everybody has to uh set a good example and uphold the reputation of the family for the previous generation right but then a question is what is your parents reputation what is your family's reputation does your family even have a good reputation uh anyways uh in this main quote in the ear beginning of the analex you know it says the duty of the filial piety consists in ensuring that one does not deviate from the way of the ancestors be respectful not just in words but in actions making sure that the house and family are managed well house and family managed well is a key part you know but again there's also all these parts about parents being virtuous leaders and role models for kids which I think is not stressed enough you know um there's this part uh in 418 that says the master said a father should be like a father a son should be like a son when the father is just the son is respectful when the father is wise the son is faithful so obviously he's using son and father at this time you know super patriarchal back then is talking about the sons but anyways the father should be like a father and a son should be like a son and when the father is wise the son is faithful uh when the father is just the son is respectful so this does kind of put it on the parents and be like hey the parents got to be wise and just and then the son will follow suit and be faithful and respect also there's another part uh in 1211 that goes confucious said the father leads the son with love and the son respects the father with reverence now maybe love the word love in this this translation concering back then it was you know thousands of years ago maybe it means something else but that's how it's translated father leads the son with love and the son respects the father with reverence I'm not going to lie before I read this stuff it doesn't sound like Confucianism this sounded more like the Bible but when you read C it's kind of eye openening because they're like hey there's more to this stuff like it's not just obey your parents blindly and do whatever your parents say for the rest of your life like that's crazy that's actually not what it says so I think there's a misinterpretation people need to keep reading just like Ronnie Chang said in his third Netflix special and it's like you have a point but you don't have the vocabulary to describe your reality because you didn't read enough you got to keep reading beyond the hashtag there's a book behind the word you got to keep going you can go at your own pace but you got to finish the required reading other we can't have a conversation it's just we're all catching up to each other so over all guys I have some conclusions and these are some things to remember about Asian parents um that I think you should remember about Asian parents your immigrant Asian parents remember and take these things to account uh I'm never going to say don't respect them don't love them I mean I have immigrant Asian parents I love them I respect them but they're not perfect nobody's perfect right but you should be grateful where you can uh some things you should remember is uh being an immigrant parent without an abundance of money or community and having high expectations is tough that's tough right and not every parent is going to succeed in this and not every parent is meant to you know and um you know that's why it's important for immigrant kids to seek advice and mentorship outside of the home especially like from a western voice it doesn't have to be a western person like a white or black person but I would say like somehow in the western language or like Vibe you know what I mean that you need to seek some mentorship and advice outside you know and I don't know it could be maybe this YouTube video helps but also coaches teachers business owners you know mentors uh College professors things like that or you know your uh could be a pastor or preacher whatever it's the you know the leader of your religious group you know um and they shouldn't take the place of your parents your parents are your parents but your parents it's hard for them to give you everything you know they're working very hard you know they're not all perfect people they're not all mature or self-aware which brings me to my second Point uh not all Asian parents although maybe Brave and resilient are not necessarily self-aware and mature so they have good qualities like I think that any immigrant that moves to a different country and struggles through it financially and struggles through it culturally and has to learn the language and figures out a way listen that deserves credit a lot of credit right resilient and brave and you know they made it through well if they did make it through but I mean yeah for the parents who did like give them some credit you know know it's a hard thing but that doesn't mean they had any time to be self-aware and emotionally mature no no it really doesn't um like do you think Asian parents like gather around like playing maang or like they're eating like uh now you know like the V like they out eating you know the Viet snacks drinking beers or like they're eating kimchi together drinking throwing back Heights like you think they're really discussing how to be self-aware and like emotionally mature no they're just those are relaxation dopamine times for them you know and uh yeah because it's tough and also again with the language barrier between you and them possibly that doesn't make communication even easier you know and and you know not everybody's perfect like even yo my dad good dad good dad solid dad uh shout out to our dad um but and he's very smart and educated but I would say that even his ability to coach and pass down knowledge to us could have been a lot better like they're really that's not one of his skill sets is to pass down and verbally share knowledge to us even though he has a lot of knowledge so anyways my dad very smart guy uh the another point is like these parents are often projecting their own failures insecurities unhappiness selfishness onto the children and this is sad it happens but they're human everybody's human and it's not just immigrant parents nobody's excluded from this I mean why do you think there's so many broken families in America in an advanced great country where life is so good like America there's still a lot of broken families still a lot of people cannot get it together and they project their own selfishness failures and and and insecurities and fear you know and yeah there are things to fear in this world so again it's a hard it's such a hard thing to balance and every family just has to figure it out on it own or at least I just would hope that the tools are available nowadays for the kids who felt like they didn't get the best advice or they felt like they didn't get the best learning or they lacked some coaching or they didn't get to make decisions on their own I hope that the tools and the content is out there today for for it to help you you know that's all I hope and um yeah I mean some another point is like some parents are just Frozen in their ways and they don't sit around trying to evolve or improve themselves as parents like do you think your parents how many parents sit down and game plan with each other every year and map out how they can improve as a parents or improve the family or improve up the happiness level in the household like hey um you know me and your mother were just planning on how to you know manage the household differently and make everybody more happy and more successful okay and we have this tstep program like not that many parents are able to do that all right I mean as children or offspring not like when you're a kid but even as grown children do you get to send in a performance review to your parents no you know is there some overarching governing body that can pass judgment and give parents a grade given where they started no um some parents also actually just don't know or don't care if their children are successful in the conventional ways but they still expect it to happen so I would say like a lot of parents they just like they just know that they're supposed to expect you to be successful and they just know they're supposed to like push you in some ways but they don't really know how to be successful and they don't some of them some of them don't care if you're happy you know but anyways I hope this was helpful you know and hopefully you know I I don't know if I could solve anything for anybody but you know I think for those who didn't have like troubling parents or toxic parents or parents who held them back too much um should be grateful you should be really grateful that you got solid parents man because I'm telling you you read enough of these parent stories or you talk to enough friends who have these type of parents that I'm like yo I'm grateful for my parents show gratitude for sure you know and unfortunately if you are in one of these situations I hope that you're able to seek some help and find some guidance maybe some advice at least some relatability in these stories in this video or from Asian parents stories Reddit or whatever your friends you know find some uh um community in that so anyways let me know if this video was helpful thank you so much for watching hit that like button and uh yeah until next time we out peace