year 2 of grief update ... it's somehow worse #shorts #grief #siblingloss

Brief you always hear about year two. Year two this, year two that, it's just so much worse. Here to confirm, unfortunately it is. Because in year one, you are in shock and your body, I can't even describe it to you, it just nothing feels real. I look back at the first couple of months after losing my brother and I genuinely felt like I laid in my bed for three months because that's all I remember. And then I'm looking back at stuff and I'm like, no, I had to go do things. Like I wasn't in bed for three months. Like I'm thinking about my friends now who are experiencing grief and I'm like, God, they were doing so much better than I was. And then I think back and I'm like, wait, I actually did have to do stuff. I just like genuinely don't remember it. My body felt like it was on fire at all times. It was an anxiety I cannot even describe to you. And it just felt like the craziest shock. I don't even know how to describe it. Year two, a lot of those feelings have not gone away. They just have changed into something else. And the initial shock where nothing feels real has faded off. But at the same time, I look at videos of my brother and it does not feel like he's gone. I'm not trying to cry right now, but last week I had such a bad grief week. I don't know if it's that his birthday is coming up. Like maybe that is, I mean, we're in year two. It was just so, so, so bad this week. I feel like I've gotten like a little bit of like a relief and it sucks because a lot of my job is like filling myself and my life and like my week and my life's on YouTube, um, which I'm so grateful to do, but it sucks when I'm so miserable and I'm so down and I have to like share something or it's like, you know what I mean? Like I don't want to bring everyone else down. Sometimes it's just so bad to where I can't even like make it seem a little bit more fun. Like I think YouTube even for me is an escape. Yeah, my year two check-in, I don't love talking about grief online for some reason. I'm like very protective of my grief and like I don't want a bunch of other people involved always. I don't know. I've just had, I don't know. Um, but year two check-in, it sucks. I mean, it's actually awful. I hate to even say that online and someone's like earlier in and like it only gets worse. Uh, really? I think things change. I don't think things ever get better. I think you get better. I think you get stronger. I remember I joined all these like support groups after and the people who are like 17 years in who said it feels the same. I cannot be that. My brother would literally kill me himself. He'll figure out a way. Yeah. I mean, guys, it is so brutal. Like, oh my God.