Reclaiming Purpose After Loss with Dr. Michelle Peticolas

Settings. Can I do that? Hold on. I think I want to mirror my camera so that when I when I look at you See, I'm not you now. I'm looking at you as opposed to like look at that the window over there. So, okay Yeah, so that's the show it's I mean it's really fun like we're doing right now We could go off on tangents like even bunker could do a lot of that. But there you go. Okay. All right Are you ready? I'm ready. Okay Let's get started Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. This is keeping it real on purpose I am your host Edna white and today we have an esteemed guest which I am so happy to have on That she brings along some brilliance Today's guest is dr. Michelle Peticolous am I saying it right? Petticollis Petticollis, okay an inch of international best-selling author of step into your brilliance of Women award-winning filmmaker of secrets of life and death and a dynamic speaker and Life transformation coach. Dr. Michelle is helping high-achieving midlife women who've experienced major loss to release complex grief and Reconnect with their soul's purpose. I love it through a powerful serve Free framework. She just she guides women to heal Reset their mindset and step fully into their authentic brilliance, please. Welcome the inspiring dr Petticollis Thank you so much. That was a beautiful introduction Are you welcome? So, how do you show up in the world tell our audience? Right now I'm showing up in the world a lot on podcasts and I've started Really jumping into social media and posting on social media and and writing emails and Wanting I really want to get my message out to help people like you're helping people to to Reclaim their purpose to live their purpose. That's my purpose that that is what came through to me When my mother died that is my purpose is to wake other people up because when she died is when I woke up that's why I work around the grief is because When you lose somebody or you have that really traumatic experience It's that moment when you really question everything and you actually have the Motivation to do so much That's good. You talk about transforming grief Into fuel for one's sole purpose. Can you walk us through how you your serve? Framework makes that possible. Sure. I'd be happy to so service got five steps and I'm gonna go over briefly all of them and then if you want to I can go into depth on some of them but the number one is s which is surrender and that means to surrender to the process and So many of us are taught to resist our grief Because our culture doesn't really appreciate it doesn't like it doesn't want you to cry I want you to you know, be a consumer and Grief really takes you out of that Yeah, number two is e which is Engage that is when you lose when you have a significant loss at the bottom of that loss Is a loss of relationship whether it's a job or it's an identity or it's really a person or divorce there is a loss of connection and Human beings are social beings. We're actually wired to bond with each other. And so grief is It's actually wired into our body. It's the body's way of kind of encouraging us to get back in and reconnect again Because that's good because we survive better in relationship with people What it's good So engage is part of my serve process. I Literally focus on that after we deal with these surrendering to the emotions How do you get that support you need not just but from me But from the right in your community and how to identify the people that are right for you Because grief changes your address book. Oh That's good Yeah, that's really good very true Very true. I mean it really it's actually great because it really really puts Who are your real friends who are really there for you and who aren't this is very true. Very very true Oh, yeah, you're you bring about so many important issues But I want you to finish the the rest of the letters because it's very intriguing. Yeah Refrain so the stories we tell ourselves About our loss can keep us stuck. In fact the the whole grief group model Actually detrimental for two reasons one is you bond with everybody else in the group So you never want to leave and number two you tell the story over and over and over again And each time you tell the story you reach trigger the grief Yes So you actually need to start changing the story what what it means to you and See yourself less as a victim and more empowered. That's what I work with people on is. How do you become re-empowered from loss? And then the other two one is the next one is V which is for vision So I don't stop there with okay now you're feeling better. Although though plenty of people say oh, I'm good enough now No, the reason why you have grief in the first place is because you are not living your purpose Yeah, the universe is always nudging us to say, okay, you need to step up So vision of how can I utilize this experience? Live my purpose. How is it telling me what I need to be doing? Yeah, and then finally The last E is express in other words, it's not enough to have a vision in your head. You need to put it out there That makes sense that makes sense I love everything you just said But the most important because I was clapping my hands is that we keep saying the story and we keep telling this story and telling the story till it's etched in us and We don't move forward then we wonder why we're stuck It's like taking dirt and there's an opening for you to go, right? But you did this telling the story over and over again You're shoveling the dirt into the hole and pretty soon you like how do I get out? You know, it's like you're trapping yourself. Talk about that Talk about that being that stuck in in in telling that story over and over again Well It it literally Retriggers because whatever our brain is thinking our body believes it's real It doesn't really know the difference between what's in our head and what's actually out there. So when you Relive the experience of somebody dying For example, you literally reach triggering all that those emotions and then oftentimes with grief There's both regrets and resent and so there's other things that kind of take us down into the rabbit hole take us down deep underground and so part of the reframing is Changing the resets resentments and the regrets Let me explain what those two are for your our audience here. Yes Regrets are what you did or did not do that you feel bad about and a lot of people have that oh, I should have gotten him to See the doctor Earlier, I should have spent more time with them instead of running around all these doctor appointments or you know Regrets there and then resentments and this is a hard one because you know, let's say somebody's died and you're like there you are having to take the garbage out which they used to do or They now you have to hire somebody to go fix something in your house and may use to take care of that or anything like that and also That they left you so it's all this sort of abandonment So this is where it comes to complex grief. I work with people who are stuck I might tell you a few stories about that But the complex grief is that the current grief is magnified by earlier losses that have never been resolved and our sense of safety and security is is originally programmed in our childhood, so we've experienced like a emotional abandonment or I run into a lot of women who they lost their father their father Moved off divorced and so they their sense of safety is hugely hugely impacted by Is it wrong to have regrets to acknowledge them well, it's not wrong to acknowledge them, but sometimes they're not realistic and It helps to be to have a coach that's going to help you to look at what's realistic and what's not Of course, we make mistakes. We're human being Learn from them. So, of course, I have a huge I had a huge regret when my mother died Because I was sitting in her studio going through papers She was a toy designer Actually sold her designs to toy companies major toy companies in New York With my aunt anyway, she said we're sitting in her studio going and I'm going through papers The dutiful daughter trying to clean things up ahead of time and I pick up one of them and it's one of her Designs one of her ideas one of her babies and I handed to her and I say It's a Xerox copy. Do you need this anymore? And she looks at it and she says oh I guess I'll never finish that project For the first time I understood death and deadline and How and that's why like purpose is so important to me is that in that moment? I realized We die and we only have a limited amount of time and we might run out But but here's the kicker in that moment. I took paper back. We don't need to deal with this right now And that moment of intimacy With my mother that I had you all my life. I just threw it away Yeah, I had huge regrets, but you know those regrets often are the motivation Yes Doing things and for telling people. So when my brother died, I Got a airline ticket to go back and be with my family I did that everybody else in that family took that death seriously. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's like if you take it seriously so much that you get on an airplane all the way back to the East Coast from the California they're like, oh, okay. I guess this is important. Yeah Exactly. Exactly. That's good the motivator. I like that part about the motivator So good stuff, I'm gonna tell you something grief is not processed we Get we have it and then we know we don't process it I'm working with a client that you know had two deaths in a row a husband and a child Yeah Older, you know older child and she never stopped process it until this year and it's been four years You know, she never stopped and that brings me to my next question with you Many high-achieving women hide their pain behind their success How do you help them recognize and release complex grief? Without feeling like they're losing control well, that is a tricky one because part of it is that you have to lose control in order to That's really good that is Excellent. That's the answer. Yes. Yes. I love it. Love it so Women what what they have to realize this is they're already stuck Hey, you know, and that's why they come to me is that they are stuck. They're not moving forward They they are being held back. And so then this is the process you cannot go around it cannot circumvent It cannot tap it down. And here's the real kicker. Is that if you do not process your grief, that means you're literally Holding those emotions in with muscular energy. Oh, that's good. And that means That you could be setting yourself up for serious illness Because the fluids in your body are meant to flow, you know, I mean let's limp system It's supposed to the blood system and you're holding it Sometimes I give people this little exercise where they hold their hands in a fist and I ask them to hold it and I only hold it for like maybe one or two minutes and then I say Imagine what it would be like to hold that fist for all the years Years, and that's what we do. We hold it in. Yeah, of course we do. Yeah Because you know as a high achieving woman to as well I've learned around the way that if I don't take care of the grief I don't if I don't go through the process of even acknowledge maybe even a job loss You know, yes being you know, even being fired from a job or maybe maybe your animal dying, you know Yes, or maybe moving from an apartment or a house that you've been in for years, you know That was all losses then if you don't process them if you don't feel then if you don't go through it and Recognize now I'm in the now this is different, you know and do that process that you're talking about It will come out somewhere else It will show itself strong in something else and you'd be like, well, why did I scream when that pin when they drop the pin? Right. Why did I you know, why did I scream, you know? And we're having such a great time and somebody said they don't want to do something. Why did I scream because of loss, you know? Our grief it has not been you know on process. That's right That's right, and it needs and so of course there's the the the phrase Emotion energy in motion when you repress that energy it doesn't go well Finds another place girl finds another place to act up. Yeah, it's like it's like having a like, you know We don't process these things and I think this is how I feel Is we have an inner child, you know that hasn't you know, and some of us have not been healed So at just to think about the things that we haven't healed from childhood that we're gonna practice on this kids back So guess what? This kid's gonna do Gonna have a tantrum show up behave badly Whatever gonna have it be and you because you're adding to what's already you know What has already happened so grief really needs to be and I'm glad that you're doing such a work Grief needs to be processed and we say this we hear it. We it's written everywhere It's you know, it's a thing but we just don't do it Most people don't know how to do it. That's true a lot of things Exactly right and you have to have an awareness of your body You know, they put little kids in these little desks when we're like four or five years old And then we're told not to speak not to wiggle not to talk And we are trained to not even pay attention to our bodies and when our bodies hurt We're trained to take a pill or to go to the doctors and stop it Stuff it yet. The body is telling us all the time You know, this is good. This is not good Right, and we have to listen to that body. We really do because I remember when I was working in a specific role I would I Knew I was getting burnt out. I just knew it and I tried to push past it Well, once you push past it after knowing and being aware push past it get it goes to your body Because now it's tapped into you. So yes, it's your mind is telling you I'm getting burnt out You get the first flag and the second one, okay now I'm gonna ignore that Then they go straight to your body and so I'm like every time I got like this thing in my neck I'm like, oh my god, let's go and I can't even move my neck I couldn't even move my neck because the stress of it the thought of it Was setting into my my my my neck. Yeah, that's the that's when it starts to really affect you I want to tell you that when it starts like a cracking an egg, you know, the egg is good on the inside But the minute you start cracking it outside something changes about everything Absolutely. Absolutely So you have to you have to take care of that and that's so important what you do So one other thing I wanted to say I'm giving you all these little great Where the difficulty occurs in your body because your body is speaking to you Has a meaning so for example anything to do with the neck This is the throat chakra This is your ability to speak the truth. That's it And then anything that's in the back is from the past. Yes Holding on to it trying to hold it on to you know, something some old habit that says no I'm just gonna it's fighting to get out Yeah It's fighting to get out get away from me, but you keep holding on to it It's really true. We do a lot. You know, we do a lot to ourselves and like you said It's not enough to hear it floating around out there the internet online What it's how to and that's where you come is. How do I process this? How do I get this? You know through to my life. So let's hop It really helps to have somebody as a witness Yes on to and to see what's going on. Sometimes people aren't aware. I can see I can see what's going I can feel what's going on in you. Mm-hmm, and that's how I help people to be learn to listen to their body and Learn how to express their emotions and I can teach it very very quickly. That's great. That's great So let's hop on over to your film secrets of life and death We're explore some deep deep deep truths. What inspired you to tell that story and how does that? Tie into your coaching work now. Well, thank you for asking. So I told you about my mother and that moment of realization and My mother was for me the poster child for living your passion She had six children and she was running a bit And you know just somewhat to the neglect of her children because six children and a busy father and busy mother yes, and and If she could have regrets, where did that leave me and I was totally totally tapped down I was not living my life. I was What so many women are in this culture a people pleaser I was worried about everybody else and I didn't even know what I needed I didn't even know how to tell what I wanted and what I didn't want I would ask other people. Well, what are you having at the restaurant? And then I would just have that I wouldn't even ask Right, yes You're so touching things that I'm experiencing right now go ahead go ahead. I'm so It's great, it's great so so what I Decided was I was impressed by this experience of somebody dying first my father from Alzheimer's six months before and then my mother so I lost them both in the same year and I was so impressed by the impact because I was offline emotionally and boy did it That's that's the real gift is like You can't you can't really I mean some people can't hold it down But boy, it was it knocked me over and I said, okay I need I need some healing and so I think that making my movies was my healing process I went and I got to interview people and ask them questions and I learned so much and So I made three films one was on what it was like to face death I had amazing amazing people What was involved in caregiving because I thought I was like terrible at that and then finally grieving You know, what? What is that like? And how do you grieve and how do you move forward and and in the process? I joined hospice and that's when I started doing partner loss support as a facilitator But the the films are still great they still are relevant they're probably a little bit dated because I think The old Bay Bridge was still up back then. There's a shot of that But other than that, the stories are always It took me a long time it took me ten years to do those films so I recommend That instead you see a coach and you get back into life sooner rather than make a film Even if you do it on a shoestring Budget still cost a lot of money. Mm-hmm Mm-hmm, and I know I've heard that but that that I can see in the book in what you do Okay, I mean not the book the film and what you do I could see how it it works in tandem pretty So in your book step into your brilliance your your God you guide readers toward authenticity Which is one of my favorite things I teach about as well What does brilliance mean to you and how can women reconnect with it after a major life? disruption, okay, so Brilliance for me is spirit It's like that shining light inside of us that we all come into this world with it's like This is who we really are. This is our higher self and And it really emanates. In fact, if you look at early baby pictures of yourself, you can see it's shining Yeah, it's there and then we're learned we learned that in order to survive we have to do other things and right right me I learned not to be myself. I learned to be what other people wanted to be and so So one of the gifts of grief is that it is so intense if you've lost a really important person It's so intense that you cannot be anything You cannot be the old caregiver or supporter or a person that everybody turned to because you don't And so that is the first step towards becoming your authentic self is allowing those feelings and allowing who you really are and then there there in there's so many ways in which You can discover who you are by that experience and that's where the loyal light starts to shine through is that you you can't hold it in anymore and Because you realize if somebody's died, oh Right. We only last you know, we have a finite amount of time Yeah, absolutely do and we don't want to die with regrets. That was for me. I did not want to die with regrets It's true How do you how do you resolve? Regrets and maybe you can help me with this reason Resolve regrets in investing time into people who really didn't get it Like just people that didn't respect it didn't like it didn't want it threw it away How do you resolve that because I know that's a grief in itself So, how do you deal? Let's see if I'm understanding your question How do you deal with people who reject you for being your authentic self basically what it is Okay, so that's hard The key is to find people who don't Not to go chasing after the people that are wrong for you and That's part of the transformation Is to see where the gold is And that's all our journey for all of us is to see who we are meant to serve And we're not meant to serve people who? Don't like who we really are Right, right Yeah Yeah, because I'm finding you know, and and Excuse me, excuse me cooper cooper Is that a chihuahua No, that's a smaller dog. Hold on a second Yeah, he thinks he's a lot wilder. But anyway I am going through this transition in my my journey my my journey to walking through the libraries kind of pulling out the things that I see That i'm feeling in my soul Okay, we're gonna cut that part right Okay, so I've been going through, you know with on my journey, you know during meditation and going through the The recesses of the library, you know when you go to your third eye and you're kind of walking around Seeing what glows kind of get a resolve ask yourself that question Why is this? How can I resolve this? and one of the things that came out of that library was the regrets of Putting my time into people who didn't love me in the past Like um recent past and you know, like my my ex-husbands Didn't didn't love who I was. I spent Monumental years that five minutes is too much for me Wasting five minutes is too much for me but years and I i'm trying to resolve that like how do I It's it's bringing up so much resentment for me. So how do I resolve that? Like how do I? Right. Yes, that was the experience and I know that I learned something for it, but that's a real feeling regret is a real feeling Then it you know, it's a real feeling. Um, and it's not enough to say you're not supposed to regret. No It's not it's just like what you when you say that it's almost like saying to somebody Um who was sexually assaulted? Oh that was in the past Yeah, that's the same phrase. Yes. Yeah Yeah, and it's similar too I mean because if you're with somebody who really doesn't like who you are it is Yeah, it's abusive. So how do you even get and I think I think you answered my question now is think of it as an abuse Really think of as an abuse and start to heal for the loss and the abuse. You just answered me But I know when you gave me the answer Well, the other thing is you really need to release the anger And the the emotion of anger, yeah, you really need to allow that yes, so Remember what I had said about uh, when people are grieving they re-trigger the the trauma over and over again with their stories So when I work with people, so this is a a secret, uh Technique I use I encourage people to express their anger and gibberish So that they allow the emotions out But they don't re-trigger the anger over and over and over again because people can get stuck in loops So, you know suppose you have this, you know this anger that's why you know in some of those I guess it was crystal groups. They would have people beating on pillows because you literally yeah You know express it get it out of your body because you have to you cannot start to change the mindset Until you release the emotion. You're right So I guess i'll be attending some karate sessions and boxing. There you go. Yeah Soon as i'm better I because I I kept trying to resolve it, you know be nice Yeah, and it still came out It's like I don't have time, you know It's like, you know, and of course I am a scorpio by by you know, by um Yes Oh, yes by the sun. So it's like oh no, no, no patience No, I have no, you know, I have patience to a degree but not a foolishness, you know, and it's just like okay, so I really have to resolve this because I You know, I don't want it to and I say this all the time I don't want anything to create cancer in me. So I don't want to give it room You don't want to give it any place that they can get a hold of no No fire, no fire. So, um, thank you for that answer. I i'm so glad Thank you for that answer because that's how i'm going to resolve that second thing is um putting up boundaries you know, um because He is my children's father who they're old. They're they're in their 40s, right? I do I have to maintain a conversation with them. Do I have to maintain a connection? That's what I would say is Stay away until you have released your resentments and your emotions and you see him in a different way Yeah, so ultimately what? You want to get to is a point where you see him as a product of his own childhood upbringing And then it's not about you. It's about him And when you can get to that place after you've released your emotions once you can get to a place like that where you see him is just You know a poor little boy that was you know abused in some way and felt You know like out of control with you and felt like he needed to control you right You know and and change you so that he would feel safe then you can say okay You know, that's what I did with my parents because I had issues with them is like I I saw their story and I said Oh my god, they actually had a way worse story than I did And then I had compassion and once you can get to that place of compassion then you can spend time And when he says stuff that triggers you may need to go away for it You know go off in the bathroom and just release it And then you can go back again Awesome Well, you don't doctorize me doctor This has been amazing this has been good this has been good for my soul Thank you so much for being here how can the world find you tell up tell my audience how we can find you okay, so One thing I want to tell them is that I have a complex grief checklist In which you get an assessment to find out whether or not you are struggling with complex grief And so that's simple complex grief checklist.com Yeah, so you can go there and i'll give you an assessment and then you'll get follow-up emails that will help you To start to implement some of the parts of the serve system And if you decide oh my gosh, I need to speak to her. You will get the link for scheduling a session with me a introductory call And they can also go to my website Which is a work in progress with a very slow website designer who is brilliant and it's it's there and Uh, it's secrets of life and death.com and you can even see the trailers for the films and I have amazing blogs there about grief and loss Awesomeness. Okay. Thank you so much. It's been really wonderful talking about the grief Brilliance what it can bring about for us with dr. Michelle. This is edna white and my esteemed guests We're going to say goodbye for now Bye