Matt Rife Roasts Viral Hashbrown Heckler _ Crowd Work Comedy 2025

There was one I came across a couple weeks ago, not literally. Poor, poor choice of words. You know, I'm scrolling, scrolling, looking for a new one. You know, you've been seeing it. And I finally ******* find one, but I don't recognize the ******* thumbnail for it. So I'm like, alright, click on it. And let me just start this with like, I don't know how to cook at all. Not a ******* clue. Wouldn't even attempt it. Like, I know nothing about cooking. So the video starts off, it's this dude, he's got like the camera, like POV angle, right? Let's not be ******* children, you know what that means. It's his point of view the entire time. And the video starts out with his POV of him cooking eggs, right? And I can't cook eggs. Have never tried to cook eggs, but like, this wasn't it. You know what I mean? Like, he's ******* these eggs up. For like five to six minutes. And I'm just like, how long is he gonna go? So for like five to six minutes, he's ******* these eggs up. And then like his stepdaughter comes around the corner of the kitchen and is like, Ron, I really need my permission sign to go on this field trip. So he's just like, ******* how bad do you want to go to the zoo? She just starts sucking his dick, because how else do you get to the zoo? So for the next 15 to 20 minutes, it's just him panning back and forth between her sucking his dick and him ******* up these eggs. He cooked them the whole time. I had to watch to be like, is it an omelet? Like how far is he gonna ******* go? He was fucked, man. How long y'all been together? Married four years. Married four years. That's ******* awesome, man. Where'd y'all meet? We met because of a non-profit. You met because of a non-profit? You got charity pussy? That's amazing. He calls her period the Red Cross. She's beautiful. That's one in the March of Dimes, am I right? Let's go. Do you guys have children? Yes. Nice, you donated sperm. That's great. Really doing your part. Four years ago, met at the non-profit. That's ******* awesome. Are you guys from here? No. No, where from? She's from California, I'm from Europe. I thought you had a little bit of an accent. You sounded like an enemy. From Poland? From a Polish sausage? That's what's up. 6'3"? 6'4"? 6'5"? 6'6"? No, shut up, dude. Stand up. What the ****, dude? I thought you were more of a bitch. He stood up and I was like... What's it like when somebody takes standing up? That's the worst. This bitch has me. Every anniversary, just... What are some red flags for a guy? Children. What did you say? Children. Children? Yeah, don't **** those. Pretty good red flag. Next. I don't even want to dive into that. Sounds like somebody learned a lesson the hard way. Sounds like you got a basement just like this. I believe I can do this. Creep. I assume you meant when a guy has children. Is that correct? Yes, dad. Thank God. Why is that a red flag to you? I don't want to deal with a baby mom. How do you think she feels about you? Have you dated a guy with kids? **** no. **** no? Then how do you know it's not bad? Red flag. Yeah, they just got there. I mean, he just bust like nine months ago. What's your name? Jack. Great to meet you, Jack. Where are you from? Africa. From Africa? Oh, ****! You call it a phrase like we don't need any more black people. We got the main one. Straight from Africa? Holy ----. Are you single? Married? Oh, ----. Where's she at? Is she really in here? You're not single? Just don't. She works here. No way. Are you serious? Where's Jack's wife? What's her name? Kimberly. Are you okay? Go play with your wife. Go, go, go! You may have a tequila banana milk. Alright, so for Christmas, I really wanted Matt Rife, but since I couldn't have him, I got a cameo instead. And I thought that I would share it with everyone, because it's honestly the greatest thing ever. Best $50 I ever spent, you know? Spent it big over here. All I asked for in the cameo was for him to roast the **** out of me. And he did, and I loved it. So without further ado, here's the video. Also, Matt Rife, please reschedule your Rosemont, Illinois show in May. Nigga wants to see it. Oh, God. I don't want to roast you, Madeline. You're beautiful. Has anyone ever told you you look like Meghan Trainor? Sorry, you look like Meghan needs a trainer? No, you really are beautiful. And I love your nose ring, especially because it's the only ring you're ever going to get. I wish you and your 47 cats the merriest of Christmases. I hope I get to meet you next year. Good luck on your writing. Maybe start with a diet plan would be nice. And I'm sorry I'm being a dick right now, but I'm sure this is as much dick as you've ever gotten. Do you have light-up shoes? I do. Why? They're so bright. You're welcome. What's that? I said you're welcome. You said you're welcome. Yeah, thank you for bringing Christmas lights on your feet. I appreciate that. If you click your heels together three times, you go back to dating. How cute is that? Can I see it? Can I see it so they understand? Are you able to take one of them off? Or both? Forever? Look at this kiosk ************ right here. You buy these at the same kiosk you can get your phone screen fixed for $7.99. You got those on Amazon? Give them back. Free return policy. Read the shirt. What's your shirt say? Put your balls all over me. It's Christmas. I feel like you can't wait to have your chimney come to him. That's what I'm feeling. Oh my god. It's been a hard year, Matt. It's been a hard year? It feels like you've learned nothing. What? Did you say I had my whore phase in the Marines? Yeah, that's what I want my soldiers doing. How'd you get those hostages back? Well... Soldiers or Army? Marines or Marines? Well those shoes are awful regardless. Those can't be service mandatory. What did you do in the Marines besides suck dick? Circumcise. Oh, it's Semper Fi. Sorry. Different one. Sorry. I'm from Saudi Arabia. You're from Saudi Arabia? Yeah. Welcome to Ohio. Is this your first time at Columbus? Sorry. We're from Cleveland. Oh, you guys are from Cleveland. Oh, never mind. Enjoy Columbus. That's so much better. Our crack is pure. He misses Saudi Arabia so much he came all the way to Cleveland to find some bomb ass pussy. Isn't that crazy? How's the comedy scene in Saudi Arabia? Do people laugh? Yeah. Most of the men? Women. I didn't get your names. I'm so sorry. I'm Kaylee. Kaylee and what? Okay, I'm going to make it easy. Make it easy for me. Let's go. Like saying dude, but you're going to add W, so we're dudes. Like dude, but with a W. We're dude. But it means the most lover in Arabic. It means the most lover? Yeah. Aww. You big dick slinger, you. You and your weapon of mass destruction. Aww, he's so cute. Do you want to know my full name? I want to know your full name more than anything. You're going to take a note? No, I got it. It's all up here, dog. If someone say it, I'm going to give it whatever they want. Really? You'll give me whatever I want if I can pronounce your name correctly? Will you give me whoever I want? You can't do that here, dude. You can't do that. You can't just be giving people away, okay? Anymore. Hey guys, we haven't always been a cool country. Okay? Alright, well dude, lay it on me, dog. Yo, somebody put this ************ in reverse. Did y'all hear that ----? Sounds like somebody rewound this ************. It sounds like he was like, I'm new here, I love America. Cleveland is awesome. Columbus is so much better. Take it back one more time. What dude? We have to have our parents and grandpas and great grandpas and then family. So you'll be numb when someone's like, Man, you out there? Like, oh, is that your grandpa? Oh, that's your grandson? So that's how we know each other. That was more confusing than your name was, to be honest. That was far more confusing. I love you, dog. I really do. Absolute pleasure to meet you, man. Pleasure to meet you, too. What'd you say? Well, it's my pleasure to meet you, too. Aw, you said it so right for me. He said it with like a strong accent at first, but then he went, It is my pleasure to meet you, too. That's probably why I turned on the Siri real quick. You're a cool ass dude, man. Columbus, we gotta get out of here. I know, I know. Somebody's gotta catch a flight. Jimmy? Did you know that it's Black History Month? You did know that. Have you learned anything yet? No? Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Does anybody have a black history fact or statistic that would... Oh, let's hear this white girl. What was it? What do you got? African American invented the super soaker, Lonnie Johnson. What's that? He invented the super soaker? No way. Wasn't it Lonnie what? What is it? Lonnie Johnson. That sounds like every cornerback. I used to love the super soaker, man. That's a good one. What's another one? He also invented the Nerf gun. The same guy invented the Nerf gun? I mean, if they're gonna keep shooting each other, I'm not gonna be safe. **** y'all, dude. That's a good joke, man. Dude, can we end on a fun third? Does anybody have another one? Nope. Not looking good, Connecticut. We've heard enough. What's that? It used to only be a week long until the president changed it to the month. Black History Month used to only be a week long, and then a president changed it to make it the whole month. The shortest month. Do you know what president it was? I don't remember. You don't remember? I do want to know this, actually. It was Lonnie Johnson. Bro! Yup. I was gonna give it a second. I was gonna say the same thing, bro. I was gonna act like I was Googling for ten seconds. Lonnie Johnson! ****! Oh, man. Oh, we are learning. We are learning some stuff. Alright, let's talk to somebody who spent Valentine's Day alone. Let's see. Virgo men are the worst? You know what's funny about this? Before I even defend myself, I don't even care. I don't even believe in this ----, but I can't let it slide, okay? Virgo men and Aquarius men? You're Aquarius? Oh, I thought you were annoying. I'm sorry. I thought you were... I'm so sorry. I thought. That's my bad. Why do you think Virgo men are the worst, though? I don't **** with them. You don't **** with them? Look, I would **** you, I just haven't washed my hands since petting a dog. I just, I don't want to do that to you. Smells like an Aquarius. What's that? Not you, though? Yeah, all the other Aquariuses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The quiet ones. Yeah. What's your name? Amelia. Man, I wish you would disappear like Earhart. I really do. I really wish. Are you in school? Yeah. Flight school? What are you in school for? Business. Yeah. Like, minding your own? What do you want to do with a business degree? I don't know. You don't know? You don't know what you want to do when you grow up? I don't know. No ideas? You just want to be rich. Look, it's do... Nursing, you will be rich. For sure. I don't know if you're Filipino enough to make it, but... I'm Hungarian. You're what? Hungarian. Hungarian? Well, my parents are. Your parents are from Hungary? And their daughter's from Thirsty? I'm from, like, the middle of Missouri, a place called St. Clair, Missouri, which means... Thank you. Really? You're the only one that got out. Oh my gosh. If there's a tractor parked out front, I'm like, ah, I know her. Like, that's... Oh, you do match. You have matching snakeskin boots. It's both snakeskin? Python, yeah. Python? **** yeah. None of those Gardner steak bitches. You're coupled up. Obviously, you're matching. Nice. How long? Five years. Five years? Where'd you meet? In North Carolina. In North Carolina? That's specific. Where? We met at a bar. You met at a bar? Well, yeah. I was... underage and drunk. Hey, stop talking. Stop talking. Under 21. Okay. Twice. You almost ruined the show. He approached you or you approached him? I don't remember. You don't remember? Also not a good sign. What do you guys do? Basket weaver. Basket weaver? What the ****, man? You married to a ******* hunter-gatherer? What the ****? You work for the ******* Easter Bunny, dog? It's coming up. About time of the year. That's actually how he got her at the bar. He just laid down a trail of eggs. It was like... And then he had one of those big picnic baskets up on a stick like this and then she went underneath it and he went, got her. Like a ******* Looney Tune. How long you been doing that for? Five years. Five years? Did she take your ******* manhood, dog? What did you do beforehand? Work at a steel mill? Coal mines. Coal mines? Are you serious? And made you start weaving baskets. Sorry. Do you like it? Yeah. Come on, man. It's just us. You enjoy the job? It's fine? It's alright. What would you like to do? If you could do anything in the entire world. Any job? Fly a helicopter. Fly a helicopter? Interesting. Man, I used to love helicopters but I'm also a Lakers fan. Man, and you know what's fucked up? He's wearing a black Mamba on his feet. Can I see one of the boots? Are you able to take one of them off? It's the real deal, man. Smell his boo. What the ****'s wrong with you, man? Jesus Christ. This is so stupid. I was gonna say my whatever. First off, no, you're not a church. I am sorry but I know what I look like, okay? I'm acutely aware. If I come up here with an acoustic guitar, it's over. Yeah. How great is our God? Like, you can... You guys can see it. I get it. But as we know, there's a reason you put up with crazy ---- in a relationship, right? Pussy. I can't see you but I wanna believe that was God. You know what I mean? You're 52? Who you here with, man? My wife. Oh, ----. 17 years. 17 years? What's your name, man? Troy. Great to meet you, Troy. I have a 16-year-old daughter. Why are you telling me that? That seemed like a setup, didn't it? What's up? I'm Troy. Been married 17 years. Had a 16-year-old daughter. Don't mind the math on that. Definitely got married to the force. But she's fine as **** and ready to mingle. Why you like... Why you pitch your family like it's the beginning of an episode of Next on MTV? Remember that ----? What's up? I'm Troy. I'm 52. I love pussy. And I got married because she got pregnant. What would you say is the key to keeping things fresh and exciting after 17 years, though? Space. I know she means, like, personal space, but I wanna believe, like, they only jerk off to, like, videos of the Milky Way. You know what I mean? Like, they just **** to, like, audiobooks by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Like, nah, you ever **** to space? I don't wanna hear about your wife's black holes, dog. I'm alright. Black dudes are the funniest people in the world. That's a black dude for sure. I know what black dudes laugh. That's all I did all of February. I just fell asleep to black dudes laughing, man. Like, that was my ASMR. That brings me such joy. What's your name, bro? Who you here with? I've never been more sure somebody's been a side chick in my life. Black dudes answer you without even answering. They really do. Who you here with? What was that? Ain't nobody's camera's out. You're alright, man. You're okay. But don't start no ----, man, cause I'll ******* boom. Got your ass. Got you on camera, Tory. Suspicious. Oh, man. I hope I get a side chick someday. Just go do all the things I'm not supposed to in public and ----. One more time. That's your main girl? Yeah, you felt the need to reiterate that? Just to make sure. What's that? You almost got you in some ----, man. Okay, this is your one and only girlfriend. Don't do that. Don't sit down. Alright, sit down. Stop making this woman think Tory fucked you. Okay, do not do that. Don't say that. No, you don't. You don't know who's sitting back there. Who's the girl you know? You know Britney? He broke up with Britney forever ago. Right? Next subject. What, you don't like talking about black history? Chapter one. Britney. You said everybody knows Britney? Britney sound like a hoe now. Everybody knows her? I love you, Tory. Hey Tory, don't say that. What's that? It's for you, it's a Build-A-Bear. That's for me? What is it? It's a Build-A-Bear. You got me a Build-A-Bear? Why? It's a voice message too in it. It has a voice message? From your show where you said if someone got you a Build-A-Bear. Oh my God. So I did a TikTok one time where the girl in the audience was saying it was a red flag saying that a guy brought her a Build-A-Bear on a first date. And I said in the video I was like I would love if somebody brought me a Build-A-Bear. So you brought me one? I gotta do more jokes about getting my dicks sucked. What am I doing with all this cute ----? Oh God, thanks I guess. This is so sweet. Thank you. Oh, your numbers are on here. It might still happen. We can use them for clean up. Can I take them out of here? Yeah. This is so cute. He didn't really he didn't spring to get him any clothes? That's kind of the whole you didn't really build the bear. You just kind of kind of just looks like you stole one. Kind of. There's a voicemail one? Press the paw? What if I press it and it's just like I want you to **** my lips. That sucks, I can't lie. That's not incredibly audible but it's a thought that counts. Thank you so much. This is one of the sweetest, laziest gifts in the world. Thank you. Oh, back and there you go. There we go. This is my security in case any of y'all on your Will Smith ---- right now like getting offended running up on stage. Keep my wife's name out your ******* hands. Never mind, whatever. That's such a cool skill, man. This is like you solving imaginary Rubik's cubes. Just killing ----. Is uh anybody gay? Anybody at all? Anybody in the vicinity? I know you good with your hands, dog. I know it, dog. I know it. This man will jerk you off with a poem. You're so sweet. I've just never been in this position before. This is so much fun. Oh, the sacrifice. The ****? Did my interpreter just get gentrified? I don't understand. Who um who are you signing for? I don't even know. No, it is not you, bitch. You've been here in the whole show for sure. You make us wish we were all deaf, to be honest. You don't sound deaf at all. This just seems so extra. What was your name? Nicole. Great to meet you, Nicole. How did you um how did you hear about the show? Um, ****. No, no, no, no, no, no. Nice to meet you guys. This is so exciting. Thanks for coming. I just wanted to know. Sounds like you don't need to be here, to be honest. Let's everybody be nice. Especially you, feisty. I like your energy a lot. I'll come back there and take your ******* batteries out. I swear to God. I'll turn you off. Y'all gotta chill the **** out, man. If I have her sign something, will you relay it verbally? You didn't know this was deaf comedy jam, did you? You didn't know. There's also police officers here. I met a uh Officer Swindell. Did you meet Officer Swindell? Oh, is that his wife? Oh man, he said you take forever to calm. He said that before the show. And he dared me that I wouldn't say it at the show. You seriously gotta work on that. That's his trigger finger and they really like he's gotta Oh man, now he said you guys have great sex. He said he beats it up like you fit a description. He really did. He said sometimes he lets her wear the bulletproof vest and everything. They role play. She puts on the bulletproof vest and then she's a teacher. Sorry, I'm not one of your students. My bad. Sorry, my bad. That's not even the last school shooting joke of the show. You lived in a crematory? Why do you know that? Who the **** just knows that statistic? Nerd. It's right next to a nursing home? The convenience. Beth. There's a cemetery by the children's hospital? Come on, Pennsylvania. Have a ******* heart, man. You do not put a cemetery next to a ******* children's hospital. You put it next to the school. I told you there was one more. I ******* told y'all, man. I didn't know where or how it was gonna go. But we *******, we found it. Alright, that's the last one. Probably. Alright, that's the last one.