Nicole Aimee Schreiber ｜ Absolutely not safe for family dinner)

You are a good-looking crowd. Everyone's so attractive. I'm just going to flirt with everybody the whole time. What comedy needs is a female predator. How's everyone's pandemic going? Good? You know, a lot of people were talking about how 2020 was really bad for mental health. And I was like, great for me. I didn't have to see my family for a year and a half. The holidays didn't happen, which was a blessing for all of us, because we didn't have to see any of our friends and their families in matching pajamas. Anybody do that? I don't understand it, because I'm a Jew. Are there any Jews here? Yes, we've got industry. Perfect. I am in the market for an agent. Yeah, the whole matching pajama thing, my friends do that with their family. And I'm like, I don't get it. And they're like, what's not to get? I'm like, I'm a Jew. We don't do matching pajamas. The last time we did, it did not end well. It's bad. My ancestors are rolling over in their graves over that one. They're mass graves. Oh, my god. Oh. That last one's a little bit of a slow burn. How many Holocaust jokes does she have? Six million, you guys. You know, some people deny that I even have Holocaust jokes. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm a pretty messed up person. And that's mostly because of my mom. All moms are crazy, but my mom is a next level of crazy because she's a nudist. Anyone have a naked mom at home? No? No mommy titties? No mommy titties growing up? Yeah, that was a big one for me. Very naked all the time. And when you have a naked mom who's naked all the time and does everything naked, it gets weird when it comes time for you to get your ass beat, OK? Very hard to dodge a punch and two titties, you know? It's like fighting an octopus, really. It's like, do you bob? Do you weave? You know, you slip that punch and then the titty just hooks you. I had no idea my mom was a southpaw. It was kind of crazy. Speaking of titties, where are my big boobies at? Wow, we got not a lot of titties here. I'm a big fan of boobs. I love boobs. This is a padded bra from Forever 21 because my boobs are Forever 14. Big boobs are the best. I don't care if you're gay, straight, male, female, or whatever else we have. You're never going to see a big set of titties coming down the street and be like, frown town. Those are a bummer. No, you see big titties and then they're joyful. You just want to curl up with them. I hate it when girls with big boobs complain about it. Is anyone complaining about it? I hate it when there's just ungrateful pigs out there in the world. Those horrible women who are like, oh, my back hurts. I'm like, all right, well, go lay down, Erica. Save some attention for the rest of us. And then they're like, no, you don't understand. It's so annoying. Guys never listen to what I'm saying. And I'm like, what did you say? Nobody cares. While we're on the topic of boobs, I just want to get this out of the way. Motorboating, guys. We need to stop it. Sir, have you ever motorboated someone? Absolutely. You're a real jerk, just so you know that. I don't understand where men got the idea to do this. Like, why? What are you trying to accomplish? Just so you know, never in the history of womankind has one woman said to another, oh, my god, Jenny, you are not going to believe what Jim did to me last night. He took his face. He put it between my breasts. And then he blew bubbles. Oh, my god, I had no idea my sternum had a clit. But there I was just squirting all over the place. Best orgasm I've ever had. That's never happened, guys. That's never, no woman wants that. And also, you definitely can't motorboat me. You'll bottom out on the lake bed. Have you bottomed out on a lake bed before, sir? Man, boobs are great. Women are just kind of magical. Boobs, no boobs. We're just kind of magical, mystical creatures. And I really love that about us. Thank you, thank you. I was really pandering to the women in the audience. So thank you. I appreciate that. I just, I think we're like witches. And I mean that in the best way possible. Because if we're not witches, then you explain to me why if we spend more than one month together, we all get our period at the same time. That's like witch ----. It's not like we discuss it. It's not like I'm like, Erica, Renee, Becky, on three, let's bleed. There's no discussion of it ever. Never. But like right now, at this very moment, every single lady body in the room is sending out an Underground Railroad message to every other lady in the room. It's like, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do. Right now, our uteruses are just reaching out for each other, joining hands. And they're like, Red Rover, Red Rover, don't send anyone over. Unless they have dark chocolate. Like that's witch ----. That is witchery, you know? What happens if men spend a month together? What, you start a fantasy football league? Yeah, we make people inside our body. That's ******* magical. I love it when men are like, you know, we're 50% of the equation. And I'm like, you're bad at math. Oh, you show up to a cookie-making party with a stick of butter. And we have the rest of the ingredients in the oven to make the cookies. Maybe just like pump the brakes with your condiment. It's melting, you know? I'll leave you with this, speaking of a melting condiment. There's this awful rumor going around that pineapple is supposed to make a man's taste better. I'm trying to do this joke without saying the word come, but come. Have you heard this rumor? It's a horrible rumor. Rumors are started by people who directly benefit from them. And I've thought long and hard about this one in particular. And I figured out who came up with this rumor. It was the CEO of Dole Pineapple. One quarter, sales were down. And he was like, big meeting, corporate meeting. He's like, what are we going to do, guys? What are we going to do? There's a creepy guy, Joe, in accounting. He's like, I have an idea. Joe got fired, but they ran with it. And just so you know, the only way a man's come is ever going to taste better because of pineapple is if it's literally served on a piece of pineapple. And then we brush it all off. And then we throw it on the ground because we don't want to swallow any more of your lies.