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I just feel just so so desperate for help right now. I am in my mid-30s. I've been married for
10 years and we have five kids together under seven and I thought we were doing really good
with our baby steps on four, five, six and then I just found out that he's been
just hiding some debts that I didn't know was happening.
How'd you find out?
Um, I just had a feeling something wasn't right and when I asked about it he was very
defensive and nope, nope, nothing and I just had the boldness to keep pressing and then he was
like, yeah, like this is why I haven't wanted to fully share an account because my account is
always negative.
And then what did he, did he actually give you the facts afterwards? Was he honest
or did you have to keep pressing?
So the numbers did change a little bit. Um, and he did look a little scared
and I just tried to be very calm, very safe so he would feel comfortable telling me the truth
and I said, I need, I need to see your account, which still hasn't happened.
Um, so, and I want, go ahead, go ahead.
And I, I said, I want you to see a counselor with me because we, like we will figure this
out and we need to stay together. Like we have five kids, like I'm forever tied to him.
Okay. I'm going to give you some hard reality. Okay. How much, how much money does he say he
owes?
It's, it's not much, but like every pay about 40% just goes to whatever he's been spending.
So I, his check goes into his account and 40% just gets eaten up and then 60% I see for
the household expenses and our, but he's still negative every, every pay.
Okay. So here's what you're going to need underneath your feet. Okay. Um, I call this
financial infidelity. He's been cheating and lying to you. Okay. And so first off, I want you
to not think you're crazy for this blowing up your world. It did. Yeah. Okay. You're at home
managing five kids, a family of seven, trying to feed them on allegedly 60% of the paycheck.
Okay. Um, you should feel like the rug got pulled up from under you cause it did. Yeah.
And you're also right to ask, what else have you been lying about? What else are you hiding
from me? Cause we had this little secret world that we built together and you were out of it.
You stepped out of it. Um, you're not going to have any sort of ability to rebuild this marriage
until you know how the depths of where these things go. I would recommend you pull a credit
report today on both of you. Okay. He will have to pull his credit report. And if he says no,
then that is, I can't think of a bigger red flag because, and again, I'm giving you the worst case
scenario here. Okay. When this happens in this way, it's not uncommon for what's being hidden
is not just screwdrivers and motorcycles, but it could be hotels. It can be dinners. It can be
addictions that you don't know about. Everything is now on the table. And so I want to pull a
credit report and not just look at his account. I want to see who he owes money to. And I want you
to pull your credit report. And this is going to sound caustic. I want you to pull a credit report
on all of your kids using their social security numbers. Because when we, people call into the
show all the time and they don't realize how bad it is and people start gambling or people get in
over the head and they pull a credit, a credit card out on their nine-year-old and use that
social security number to get a quick thousand bucks here, a quick $2,000 there. And so that
will give you the big picture of who you owe to what, who your family owes to what. Hopefully
you have nothing on yours and your kids have nothing on theirs and his is minimal. And what
this is was a scared, embarrassed husband that took the easy way out and he is ready to stand
tall, take his medicine and y'all can rebuild trust. Worst case scenario is you're in a way
bigger mess than you know yourself to be in. But you can't, you can't go to an untrustworthy person
and demand that now you be trustworthy and think you're going to get any sort of nervous system
stability from that because they've proven themselves to be untrustworthy over a long
period of time. And so I need to see this stuff with my own eyes. So how do I get a credit report
done? Like, I don't know how to... It's a simple website. It's all free. It's annualcreditreport.com
and you can pull free weekly online reports from all three major bureaus. It's Equifax, Experian,
and TransUnion. And so you'll just go through the steps, enter it. You never pay for this.
This is free. So just go to that website and you can get that all on annualcreditreport.com.
And that, like John said, that will be the full truth and nothing but the truth. So regardless,
I really don't care what he says. I want the reality of the situation. And again,
if he's unwilling to do that, that speaks to much deeper things he's hiding. There's an alternate
life here. And that tells me he doesn't want healing in this marriage if he's not willing to
come clean. Right. And let me say this. I want to applaud you for... Would you say you were calm
so that he could feel safe enough to come forward? I want to applaud you for being in control,
feeling big feelings, but being emotionally mature. But you don't owe him dishonesty either.
Okay? Yeah.
You're right to be enraged. You're right to be sobbing at the table because this man lied to
your face and to the face of y'all's five kids. And so you don't also owe him a silver platter
that he can gently put out his receipts on. Right? And so when I mean you're responsible
for the emotional, mature next right action, that means I'm not going to hit him. I'm not
going to swear at him. I'm not going to punch a hole in the wall. Everybody deserves dignity
and respect. But you're dang well going to know I'm pissed off. You're going to know that
everything in my life, I'm questioning it now. Right? And you're not crazy and you don't owe
him a false sense of yourself so that he feels comfortable coming forward with it. Right?
That's not your responsibility to massage his ego through this also.
Do you guys share an account or is everything separate?
No, he wouldn't share it.
So you have no access to anything financial. He pays the bills?
So he does pay the bills. We do have a joint, but he has his own as well.
So 60% he diverts to the joint account, 40% diverts to this secret account.
That's his?
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Well, starting today, he's going to divert a hundred percent into this joint account.
Okay.
Or you separate if he's untrustworthy and he's going to destroy your financial life further.
Yeah. And Betty, that's a great point that George brings up. You need to get really clear
on your, what I call your or what statement. Because if he looks across the table from
you tonight and says, I'm not pulling a credit report and I'm not giving you access to this
You have to have your or what statement ready, or me and the five kids are going to my mom's house
or well, okay, then I guess I'll just have to live with it.
And you mentioned, we have to fix this and stay together because we have five kids together.
I need you to say, that's the picture y'all created. And that picture is
over because of his financial infidelity. Now y'all have to rebuild something new.
And I hope it includes him and you and those five kids in the same house,
all working together to build something amazing. I hope that's the case,
but you have to have the courage to say, or what comes next and then be willing to
to live into your own boundaries there. If he looks at you and says, I'm not playing.
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