Healing from a Toxic Relationship & Emotional Abuse (A Powerful Poetry Story)

Some relationships don't break your heart. They train you to stay in pain and call it love. I'm your host, Edna White, and this is Keeping It Real On Purpose, where we break patterns, challenges, challenge what we normalize and help you build what actually works. Today, I'm joined by Damaris Chanza, author of Breathe Breath. I'm getting tongue-tied today, guys. Breath of a Fallen Angel, a debut poetry collection that explores love, pain, redemption, and the reality of toxic relationships. Through her storytelling, she's inspired by Romeo and Juliet, one of my favorites. She brings it to life in the emotional complexities so many women experience, but don't always have the words to say or to express. Welcome to the show. Hello, thank you so much for having me. You're welcome. So let's get straight to it. People romanticize toxic love all the time, as we can see in reality shows, right? But what are we actually seeing underneath it? I think it's something that I discuss in the book is the idea that the person that you fell in love with, the person you have this toxic relationship with, they were not always toxic. We're not dumb. We fall in love with people who are charming, who are kind, and then at a certain point, it can change. And that's the idea of Fallen Angel, like you were this angelic being, whether that be the person, how she sees herself or the person that she's with. And then eventually it becomes something different that you don't recognize. Because what I see is this, people aren't addicted to the person. They're addicted to the emotional cycle of it. Especially when I'm watching the reality shows, I'm like, I don't even like that person. They really are addicted to the rollercoaster of it, right? Your book touches on love, pain, and those blurred lines. How does someone even recognize when love has turned to something unhealthy? I know, that's such a deep question. It's a loaded question. Yeah, it is. I think it's just a matter of knowing yourself. Right. Knowing who you are and in that relationship, are you changing for the better? For things that only enhance what you already know about yourself or are creating a better version of yourself? Or are you shrinking? Are you becoming something that you no longer recognize as yourself? Yeah. I think that's the part we miss. And the other part that you talked about, that it didn't start toxic, right? It didn't start out that way. It becomes toxic through what you tolerate, because you don't know yourself. You make excuses for their bad behavior, maybe, and the emotional attachment to it all. Can you talk about that to our audience? How you display that in the book? Well, so my book, Breath of a Fallen Angel, is a narrative poetry book. So instead of most poetry books, they follow kind of general themes. And of course, this one does have some of the themes that you mentioned earlier, but it follows a linear story of this woman who wanted a fairytale love story, but ends up in a toxic relationship. And so through each poem, she has to navigate the different emotions that she's going through or the different situations that she's going through while kind of discovering or creating the courage to leave this relationship. I'm sorry, I forgot the question. Oh, no, I'm just saying, just talk about your book around all of that. You're doing that. You're doing it. You're doing exactly that. So in the book, there's this woman, and purposefully, she doesn't have any sort of features, any sort of like anything that's very specific, because I want it to be very relatable to all women. Right, okay. So it doesn't say she has any sort of specific hair color or skin color or ethnicity or anything, because I do believe that this kind of toxic relationship, toxic having to deal with men in general, is something that all women have to go through. Yeah. So I wanted it to be very relatable in that sense. Right. Nice, that's nice. So out of your own experience, why do people stay in relationships that are clearly hurting them? So I don't personally have any experience in a relationship like that. The story in the book is fictional. Yeah. But from research that I've done for the book, it can be, he's a dog. That's my dog. How did you know? Don't worry, my ferret is here in the corner scratching her cage, trying to ask it out. In most inopportune times. I know. It depends on the situation with how entangled are your lives. Yeah. There could be legal things to work through, like marriage documents, children. There could be things like housing. If you got to the point where you were in this relationship and you became isolated, maybe you don't feel you have the support from other people to make it. And the other thing is, is that there's a lot of manipulation in these relationships. So you start to build this narrative in your head that this person that I'm with is the only person who will accept me, who will love me, who will take care of me, whether that be true or not. So it's something that you have to think about or the person would have to think about before, or work through before trying to leave. And it's not necessarily that people don't want to leave. It's more so that there's- Entangled. Yeah. And that's part of the reason why I wrote this book because I feel like there's this very misconception that says if you're in a toxic relationship or you're dealing with domestic violence, just leave. Yeah, yeah. Why would you say, just leave? And that is so easy to say. And ultimately, sure, that is the goal. Yeah. But there's so much more to it. You can't just leave sometimes. Yeah, you sure can't. So I wanted to write this book as a way to create some understanding and some empathy to say, just because the woman didn't leave doesn't mean she's necessarily choosing to stay. Right, exactly. Maybe she just doesn't have the option to leave you. Right. Well, that's good. That's really good to hear. Yeah. At what point, let's flip it now, at what point does that love turn into an emotional survival? I don't know. I guess it's a situation, it's a case-by-case basis. Within the story, the woman wants love and she has this idea of her Prince Charming, her fairy tale, her, she wants to be Aurora dancing with Prince Philip through the forest. That is what she wants. Mm-hmm. So she, whether that person that she's with, the man that she's with actually showcases those attributes, she kind of put it upon him and put him on this pedestal. So I think in that sense, it becomes survival when that pedestal is, they're taken off that pedestal. Wow, yeah, that's cool. You're starting to see the reality of who that person is in the situation that you are now in. Yeah, that makes, ooh, that was good. And that brings me right to my next question, is when do you recognize that you just, because a lot of my clients that come to me, they may experience the first time ever, maybe them lashing out, hitting them once, for the first time ever. And they don't, they explain it away instead of recognizing it as a warning, okay? This may escalate. And even in my own family, this has happened to one of my siblings, and they didn't see it coming. I know it's probably, like you just said, it's a very difficult thing to kind of say, okay, let's do this, let me do that. But when, we're taught to endure pain versus doing something about it. And I'm saying maybe it's a warning sign. Would you say that, that initial first thing, maybe it's even, maybe being like yelling, or like calling your name the first time, would you consider that as a warning? I think anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe can be a warning. Anything that you can't discuss. Like I've never experienced anything to the degree of the woman in the book. But I've definitely been in a relationship where we got in an argument, and I, there was no yelling, there was no nothing, it was just kind of a heated argument. I walked away, and then my arm was grabbed in a way that I didn't feel comfortable with. It felt a little bit like this was aggressive, this was, I don't like this. And so, but it didn't escalate past that. That in that moment, when I was grabbed, suddenly, oh, I know he's mad at me. I know he's stronger than me. So what am I to do now? And that relationship obviously quickly ended. But sometimes, like if you don't acknowledge how you felt about it. Right, exactly, yeah. And you might not think to say that was a warning sign. Yeah, right, exactly. So it's all about knowing yourself and being true to yourself, and having that clarity around yourself. And I love how you put that, is knowing, like anything that doesn't make you feel safe is just definitely a warning, and I like that totally. So let's shift this a little bit. If someone is listening and sees themself in this story that you've written, even in what we're talking about, what do they need to understand first? That they're not alone. Well, that's great. They're not alone. There are many, practically every woman I've ever spoken to has, in some form or another, been in a situation where they've felt unsafe or uncomfortable because of a man. So not only are you not alone, but unfortunately, it's very common. So even though it feels very isolating, you can create a support system and you can find your way out. Maybe it takes longer than others. Maybe it's more complex. Maybe it's more dangerous. But there is a way out. Yeah, that's good. So audience, here's the truth that our guest Damaris has said. You don't heal by romanticizing the pain. You heal by recognizing the pattern and deciding to end it, just deciding that this is a danger. I want you to, audience, I want you to think about these questions. And I'm ready to give you the questions, audience. I want you to sit with this. What am I calling love that actually feels like emotional chaos? Where did I learn to tolerate this kind of relationship? And what would I choose for myself actually requires me to let go of? What would I choose? And think about those questions as you always do. And as we're going to go to the next part, you may be answering them in your head, okay? So Damaris, how does writing and poetry help someone process something this heavy? That's interesting, I haven't been asked that before. So I think it's a matter of exposure. Sometimes we just don't have the vocabulary to express these feelings. Or sometimes you're feeling something and you're like, I don't know, I don't know how this really feels. I don't know. And really, you just haven't gotten to the word mad. You just haven't gotten to the word angry. And you're just, you're so busy surviving or so busy feeling your feelings that you can't sit down and analyze them and decide how you're going to act on them. So, I mean, the book is mainly for entertainment, obviously, but so it's not in any way a guide to help. Yeah, absolutely, no. I was asking your opinion on it. Yeah, it's not in any way a guide or anything. I'm not an expert on any of this. But I think in terms of writing and poetry or this book specifically, it's more about creating understanding and creating empathy. So that if you were to go, if there was somebody who was going through the situations of the woman in the book dealing with domestic violence, a toxic relationship, any sort of mental health issues or isolation coming from those situations, not only do they have the vocabulary to talk about these things, but anybody else who read the book who maybe hasn't experienced these things can say, sure, I've never experienced it, but I'm here to support you through it because I can empathize with you. As opposed to being like, then just leave. If you're going to just leave, like it's not always that simple and there's a lot more to it. Yeah, that's the same statement as like, just get over it to someone who survived sexual abuse. Just get over it, it's in the past. Those statements are so irrelevant, but I used to write and I didn't have the words to say what I wanted to say, but sure enough, my spirit would write. I could write anything and it just came out in paper and it'd be like, wow, this is what I really wanted to say and I couldn't say it verbally. But writing gives you that, it's another way to be creative. And to your comment, it's fictional. Almost every story besides like little monsters or anything, almost every story has a little bit of truth in it for someone. I may be reading it and like, this sounds like me, this could help me. And that's the beauty of writing, poetry and anything else. It's the beauty of writing because you may intend it for something else and someone else sees it and like, wow, this really lifted my heart, I'm not alone. And maybe that's a matchstick to somebody saying, hey, I need to get support somewhere. So it's amazing that you put it out and it took a lot of courage to do that. So thank you for writing and doing what you do. So Damaris, a lot of people feel shame after leaving and staying too long. What would you say to them? I don't know, I mean. What would your story say to them? There you go, what would your story say to them? The woman in the story does leave and come back. Okay. Just because I've seen that as a pattern in different like media and things of like woman leaves and come back. And I think that's just because of a comfort. Right. Just because you start to believe that like, I deserved that and that's why I was in that situation. Now I'm out and I'm free. And what am I supposed to be doing with myself now? So I think anybody who maybe makes it out and leaves and feel shame. I mean, that's really, they survived. And that in itself is an achievement. No matter like what you did to get there, they survived. And I think that's really the main thing to focus on. Right. So this isn't just about relationships and your book has opened the door to a lot of things that people experience. I think this is about identity, self-worth and breaking cycles that were never meant to continue. I would love for you to read an excerpt from your book if that's possible. Sure. And I was in the spotlight, yeah. Cover, it's a little backwards, but it's so interesting that you mentioned ending cycles because there's literally a poem in the book called Ending the Cycle. But I will read the first poem. So the first poem is called To Begin. And it's meant to be, you mentioned earlier that the book is inspired by Romeo and Juliet. And one of the main things was the narrator. And I liked how the narrator in Romeo and Juliet told you in the beginning, this is a tragedy. And in that first kind of section of the play tells you everything that's gonna happen in the play. And then you go and you read the rest of the play or watch the rest of the play. And so To Begin was kind of that. It's supposed to serve as the narrator to tell you, kind of summarize the story of the book. Here we go. To begin, just a simple girl, riddled with ambition, destined to conquer the world until a man strips away her inhibitions. She's been here before, time and time again, charmed by the love war, only to be heartbroken. But this time she stays, convinced something can change until she too starts to play and the roles are rearranged. Soon a hostage to her own brain, strangled by the grasp of love and hate. Stability and commitment she craved, but immorality is all he could demonstrate. Confused by truth, enamored by lies, stifled by coups, too torn to say goodbye. With wavering strength from fights past will come a moment so tense she'll be aghast. Okay, enough of that. Let's rewind to when summer and autumn blend. With the scene set, keep in mind, if it's not okay, it's not the end. That's good. So ladies and gentlemen, you have heard the story and I wanna thank you Damaris for sharing your story and your wisdom on all of this because we're sharing part of you and these questions you answered from you. So we thank you for that. So audience, now let's talk about what to do after you heard the story. If you're recognizing your patterns in this relationship or your choices and you see them reflected in the story that Damaris has written in poetry, start to recognize, start to make new choices and recognize your emotional cycles. It's time to interrupt them and locate her book. I imagine your book is available everywhere, right? Yep, you can find it on Amazon, on Goodreads, on the publisher website, AOS Publishing, on Barnes and Noble's online, everywhere. Everywhere, just everywhere, even in the libraries. Just go there and ask for it and they have to buy it for you, okay? Remember that. Do that for me, yes. They have to do that for you. Well, this was great and thank you so much. My name is Edna White and my esteemed guest, Damaris Chanza. We're gonna say goodbye for now from Keeping It Real On Purpose where real stories, real pain and real recovery. And if this episode spoke to you, share it because someone else is still calling pain love and doesn't even realize it yet. Bye for now.