You Can’t Heal What You Keep Repeating: Breaking Trauma Cycles

What if life you're living right now isn't actually yours, but a recycled version of what you survived? And the real problem is you've gotten so good at functioning in it, you don't even question it anymore. I'm your host, Edna White, and this is Keeping It Real On Purpose. When we stop performing, start telling the truth and turning life's pain into purpose. Today, I'm joined by none other than Anne. I didn't even ask her how to say her last name, but I'm going to take a chance. Teshka. Yes. Entrepreneur, author, certified professional coach, and speaker. Her memoir, Trauma Recycled, tells the truth about adoption, trauma, and what actually takes to heal, not just talk about it. Anne has spent decades rebuilding her life and now helping others recognize the patterns they've normalized and finally changed them. Welcome to the show, Anne. Thank you so much. I appreciate you having me. Thank you. You're welcome. So let's get straight into it. Let's talk about the identity and the pattern, because I really love that part, because I talk about that a lot with my clients. What's one pattern from your past that followed you into adulthood before you realized it wasn't who you are? It's a pattern. It's a very visual pattern, actually. It's one of just feeling like you're swept up in a wave and you're tumbling. You don't know which way is up. You don't know which way is down. You're just trying to catch a breath. You're just moving through life at this rapid-fire pace, like you're shooting through the rapids in a river. You're just waiting to land wherever you land, and then you just kind of move from that point. So nothing is ever in control. Nothing ever feels deliberate. You just feel like you're a product of. It's very confusing, and it's a very untethered feeling. Yeah. I went through that myself, and I could tell you it's like you're on autopilot and you're not the driver. I think most people have experienced that or still are. I mean, I think it's very common. It's just hard to articulate that that's what's happening. Yeah. And you're going through the motions, but yet you have feelings about it, but you can't seem to stop it almost. You can't stop it. It's challenging in that spot. It is. It is. And especially, I think, when you're raised in a family where abuse is prevalent, where there's things that are happening that are extremely debilitating, devastating, and your sense of self is so off-kilter that you just don't even know. There's moments where I can sit there and flash back to my six or seven-year-old self and just be there like, wow, this is just it. And you don't know what's coming at you next. And that's a very uncomfortable place to be. And that's a very gentle word, obviously. But yeah, it's a great difficulty for people. So how do you move out of that? How do you A, recognize that, be aware of that, and move out of that? That's a question of the day. Absolutely. It really is. And I can tell you it's not hard. It's not easy. It's not easy. Even just being aware of it, even in that state, you're aware it's happening, aware it's going on. But what to do about it, that is the thing, what to do about it. Right. The powerlessness. Yeah. And so many people felt or still feel, there's nothing I can do to change this. I mean, I still hear this now from people, well, that's just the way things are. Yeah. Right, right. And it becomes part of your identity. And I think it comes from living everybody else's idea of who you're supposed to be versus being yourself. 100%. 100%. Those are the labels. Yeah. Yeah. Going and doing the things that everybody says to do. Our caretakers even say that to us. Parents say that to us. Oh, you should be this. You better work for your money. That and all these things. And it may not even be what you want to do. And it's like going against your grain. And I think that's what you're in that, like a war. You get this pulling and you're being pulled into this direction that the rest of you, your soul does not really want to go. And your spirit definitely doesn't want to go there. And it's like your body's still going through that thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you're going through the stages of grief. You know what I mean? Like we react. When we're in those situations, we react. And often the ways that we react is self-deprecating. So we're either intentionally harming ourself with food, alcohol, drugs, words. Our words just as damaging. So we just end up in this space of like, well, you know what? This is as bad as it is. I don't deserve better. I embedded those patterns in me. Those patterns were so deeply ingrained that my self-worth was completely dependent on what someone else told me I was. And that was something that my dad taught me by abusing me. He taught me that my worth was when I was doing something physical or I was allowing something physical. So that kind of started this root of Ann, if you would. And that's just not a very good root. And then we get to that point where we go, wow, you know what? I mean, this is just the road that I'm on. This is just the hand that I've been dealt. So it's happened to other people and I might as well just deal with it. Go with the flow. Yeah. And then you look back on your relationships and you wonder why, you know, you look at your jobs that you had and you're like, wow, those are all a product of embedded patterns. You don't need to stay. I know that's how I started understanding that recycling my trauma. And I'd already been doing that without even having the words for it. I was taking some of the worst experiences of my life and I was filtering them into the most powerful parts of me. And that's where I really feel the magic, the magic happened. And I can stand here today and be very grateful for the past that I had because of that. And that's hard for a lot of people to understand because there's people who say, well, why would you choose to be abused? But obviously, A, I can't change circumstances. And B, look at the gifts I gained from it. You have to do the work. You have to do the work. And once you do the work, you begin to pull these pieces out and you see it. Yeah. And I think that's a beautiful picture of what you said. It's not that we are happy this happened. We learned the lessons that it was supposed to bring out in us. We utilize that information for the betterment of ourselves. So we're not overeating. So we're not abusing drugs. So we're not out there having sex just because. All those things, we're actually focusing that energy somewhere else. And yes, we've learned those lessons. It's like going traveling down the road. You travel the same road every day. You know what's coming up. So that's just the same as trauma sometimes. You know what's coming up. You know what's going to happen. So you've learned from it. But what we did is took it a step further and we expanded upon it to grow ourselves. That's really what it is. Yeah, exactly. And I think it's important too. I look back on my younger self and I think it's important to say, if someone is in this space right now, you're not bad for it. When we turn to drugs and alcohol and we turn to food and we turn to things, what we're doing is we're looking for something to help with the pain. We're not bad people for that. And if that's the space that we're in today, that's just a space that we're in today. It doesn't mean that space can't shift or change, but I don't ever want anybody to beat themselves up for where they are because that's the path. That's the path that you're on and you're exactly where you need to be. And that's very, very important as someone's journeying through this is that this is the path that you have to walk. Right, right. And we don't want to hear that. We don't want to hear that part. But I tell you what, we chose this path. And the beautiful thing is that we're strong enough to handle it. The path was strong enough to handle it. And, you know, yes, we give out, you know, sometimes sometimes us humans give up, you know, yeah, give up and don't take the, you know, take the next route to do the inner work. Yes. Right. We don't want to hear that part. We chose this. Yeah, no, I know. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, that's really it's difficult to hear. I wish that when I was in my darkest days that somebody had said to me, hey, you know what, this dark day that you're in today is part of your story. Yes. Yes. You know what I mean? But I didn't I didn't have I didn't have that right. I didn't have books or podcasts or anything. I was in the dark ages. So, you know, I had to find help in, you know, the most random of places, whereas today your beautiful show. I mean, what you do for people, you know, people are able to plug in to to you and hear things that they're they're really wanting to hear so badly, but they don't know where to find it. And I just commend you for that. And I'm really grateful. It's it's really it's just such a beautiful thing that, you know, that we can give from where we've been. Absolutely. Absolutely. You called it trauma recycled and he talked about a few minutes ago. What does that actually look like in real life? You know, it really it didn't hit me for long, very long time. But when I give you an example, so all the trauma that I experience, I'm the oldest of eight children. All right. So I not only I not only experienced it, I witnessed it. So this is just something that was was the way that things were for me. And I developed a lot of tools and a lot of pieces of me from that that I didn't really understand. One of them is great empathy. Another one is really I have this deep, deep desire within me that nobody feels uncomfortable. Nobody feels like they don't belong. Those are the things that make me bananas. So if I see somebody that looks like they feel they don't belong, I'm drawn to them. And that's a gift that was given to me from my trauma. Without my trauma, I don't know that I'd have that strong of a radar. And that's a big deal for me. So I'm really very, very to notice. And I just you have superpowers when you're when you go through that level because you're able to feel and empathize what someone else may be going through. It doesn't mean you feel their pain, but you're able to hold space for them in a different way. There's a level of patience and a level of understanding. That doesn't mean I let people sit in a pity party because I don't I got no room for that. But I do see people where they are and I can love people where they are. And that's been a practice. That's not an easy thing to go through because as you're journeying through the work, you get to a certain part, you look back at others that you love and care about, and you're like, well, why aren't you here next to me? You should be here. But you get to a space where you look back and you go, you know what? I love you where you are. And that's something that once again, I would have never been able to develop or experience without having gone through what I did. So trauma recycled for me was merely the act of taking the bits of magic that were intertwined and threaded in with the horror. And then it just really it just was so fitting for the title of my book, because as you move through the stories in my book, you'll just be like, wow. I mean, I lived it. Right. So I still can someday sit there and go, man, that was just a really incredible ride. Yeah, that's beautiful. How do people unknowingly keep choosing the same pain? How do they unknowingly? Yeah. Yeah. But the trauma recycled was still with that. I was still wanting to find that out is how do people unknowingly keep choosing the same pain? You know, I think that I really think it's habitual. I mean, I did it. I did it. I did it, too. I think that it's really until you're able to you know, if I'm sitting and I'm doing a workshop and I'm talking to people about. All right. So we've had all this stuff happen to us. What do we do? Because that's always the question. What do I do? How do I get out of it? The very first thing I believe this is what really worked for me is I had to sit down and I'm a big pen and paper person and I had to go, where am I right now? And I had to get raw with it. Right. And the raw was like, well, I'm going from man to man to man. I'm drinking like a fish. I'm blacking out. I don't want to live. I don't want to breathe. I'm a mother. How can I do this to my kids? So I had I had to be raw. Where am I? And then the next part, how did I get here? And that does not mean, well, my father abused me. That's how I got here. Oh, no, no, no, no. That's not a part of how did I get here? I chose to drink. I chose. And those are really very difficult. So until I did that, I was repeating the patterns. I was repeating the patterns. It doesn't mean that the pattern stopped that day. This was a journey, right? But I was aware and then I became aware of the patterns and I became aware I controlled the dials. Nobody else. That's good. Yeah, that's good. That's good. So let's go deeper here about the truth people avoid and you can share where you need to. Where do you see people hiding behind? I've done the work, but their life still reflects the same pattern. Well, I guess it depends if they're coming to me and they're asking, you know, hey, I mean, I've done all the work, but I'm still having such great difficulty. I mean, my first question is, have you really? That's it. You know what I mean? Because then they'll start to flounder. They're in that way, but they're kind of got their head up. They got their little buoy next to them and they're kind of like, well, yeah, I mean, I can't really swim well, but I'm above water and that's a beautiful place to be. So I'm like, that's amazing. How does this space feel for you? How do you feel? And I just ask the questions and then they'll go, well, I'm really not feeling. And then you just dive in more questions. So what does it feel like? And most importantly, where do you feel it in your body? And the reason I ask people that, I'm a core energy coach, right? I studied core energy and it's in you. So you follow the energy, you follow where someone is leading you because they have all the answers. And if you were to say to somebody, you are so incredibly magical that you have every answer that you could ever ask a question of, you already know. They would blow them away. They'd be like, you're just stark raving crazy. But if you really stop and think about it, right? When you control that dial and you know that you're doing the work and you're doing all these things, yet your job is miserable. You're in an unhappy marriage and you're not living the life that you want to. And you're on the treadmill to hell and you just don't know how to turn that off. You know that something is not adjusted right on the dial. What is it? And I would just encourage people, pen and paper, get that pen and paper. Where am I now? How did I get here? Where do I want to be? That's true. Yeah. Just get that pen and paper. That's so good. Real coaches like you and I, we ask them the questions they need to ask themselves or give them the questions they need to ask themselves. And that puts them on blast. We don't get people to stick around because we don't play. Right. Exactly. I love this. I love this so much. We don't play with them. We don't play with them. We give it to them. And that's how we doctored ourselves. We coached ourselves to this. You know, yes, we went through therapy, all of that. But it takes you now to apply that. Everything that you've learned, everything. I'm so glad you said that. I'm really glad you said that because I think that it's easy. And I recall doing this myself. I would go to therapy and I'd be like, all right, I'm doing the things every Wednesday, 9 a.m. I'm going to therapy. Well, after a while, I realized I was going to a bitch session at 9 a.m. I wasn't getting therapy at all. And that's when I started interviewing therapists. If you're going to ask me to rehash the fight I had with my boyfriend, you are not the therapist for me. That's not therapy. Rehashing what that is not there. Got it. Yes, absolutely. It's really important for people to really understand what doing the work really is. And there's, you know, therapists are amazing. I mean, I reached out when I wrote my book. I went and found a good therapist because I knew I needed support. Right. So that never. Yes. You know, yeah, never ends. That never ends. It's always you. Yeah. And, you know, I spoke to someone. She said to me she was healed from it. I said, let me just tell you something. Yes. Don't pronounce that. That's like if that's finished. I said a lot of we've been traumatized with has is not very linear. Yeah, it's very stacked. You just gave me goosebumps. I have goosebumps over that. Yeah, I'm glad. It's very sad. So is the proper word. You're never healed. You are healing because age, age, each every day we change. Right. So we may something that we may have thought we healed from in our 30s, had another piece that went along to it when we got to our 40s. Oh, my God. Absolutely. You know, when it's like even even COVID, COVID was a traumatic experience. You are still healing. Yes. And COVID, you know, I don't mean just from a physical sense, but the lack of belonging, the isolation, there's a lot of traumatic experience in that. And I, you know, I think that's a journey, right? You have to. Yes, absolutely. But it's the most amazing journey ever. That's right. That's right. And it's always developing and expanding. Yeah, that's what I really, really love about life when you allow the awareness and when you have that awareness and then adapt that consciousness attached to it. Oh, my gosh. It's like it's so good. It's like people can't understand it like if they're not there. But I'm like, it's so good to to wake up with downloads, to get the downloads you need. Right. Right. It is. It's it's a magic that you could never explain to anybody. I would have never believed it when I was in my 20s, 30s, and even most of my 40s would have never believed it. Yeah. Wouldn't that mean? Okay, that's that's really good stuff. Where do you see people? Where do you see people lying about themselves in their comfortable dysfunction? You know, I think that Instagram and social media, Facebook, I mean, right there, boom, there it is. You know, I think that I think that that has really been incredibly damaging. I mean, it's a necessary tool for most of us. But I think that when we can't be our authentic self, that really that just beats us down. And now we begin to go under that wave again because there's that little child inside of us. And I think the magic is in that, right? If you can sit and whether you're able to meditate or not, I would have throat punched somebody if told me to meditate when I was at the beginning of my journey. I would have been like, you don't know me. I can't meditate because that's how that's where I was, right? But if you can sit with that five-year-old child inside of you and go, who are you? That kid would be like, bam, I'm this, I'm that. I'm afraid to show the world because the world might think I'm stupid. The world might think I don't look right. The world might judge me. And I think that that's what we do to ourselves is that we put on this persona that we feel is acceptable. This is what people expect me to look like, talk like, drive like, live like, all of the things that I do. And as soon as we feel like those are not accepted by other people, we begin to beat the heck out of ourselves. And that's a damaging damage. It's so sad. That's very painful. Well, girl, you are talking my language. Let me just tell you, audience, you guys know me, and is she saying what I'm, I've been saying, oh my goodness, I need to high five you over there. I love it. Because that is what I'm talking about is all of that. It's all of that. Now, listen, how do you separate who you really are from who you had to become to become to divide? I didn't know who I really was. So the separation was there already. I really didn't know. I didn't know. I mean, the only thing that I did know was that I needed to be able to serve others because that's what gave me self validation. So when I began the journey, that was another part of the recycling trauma. I completely, absolutely fell in love with customer service. That was a thousand percent my jam. And the reason was I was able to do things that would make people smile. This was letting me know you belong, you matter. Those were the things I needed. I didn't have that as a child. I did not belong. I was adopted, right? You don't belong. I also really didn't feel like I was wanted or that I was making a difference. I was a tool. And so I was a limo driver. I became a limo driver. And that was such an incredible feeling for me because now I made a difference. And I think that that is really, that is how I became to know who I was. That deep down under that need, I don't have that need anymore. I mean, I still serve people. I will always love to serve. And I love connection. I love all people. All people are equal to me, but I didn't really know who Ann was. And now I can sit and I mean, I can literally like get very emotional when I look at that five-year-old little girl. Because she didn't get to be a five-year-old little girl. Well, she can now at 60 and I don't want to stop it right now. Or you see me or what? I talked to five-year-old child. Cause that's when I really knew myself. That's when I knew myself, you know, that's when I knew myself, I knew who I was. And when I'll finally shed all those masks, the coding, the, you know, the people pleasing. And I love how you put it customer service because my heart, our clients, right. Our clients say I want to serve everybody, but that's people pleasing saying that, you know, it's like, it's not, not, we guess we're supposed to, we're here to serve, but we're not here to please them. We're not, we're supposed to serve. So serving and pleasing are two different things. Giving what they may not even need, but they got to hear it. And I love that. I think, I think I'm changing people, pleasing the customer service. It's so good. It's the truth though. It's what we do, you know, and I know you hear it too. Like I hear all of my clients, they say, I just want to serve someone. I just want to serve someone. And I'm saying, well, I asked a question. Did you get attention when you were younger? Yes. Right. And that's when it goes, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. So all that you're doing, like you did, they'll take their business and give it all away. Well, I joined the ministry because I felt that's where I was going to do the most. And I gave all of me away. I literally gave all of me away and there was nothing left to the point that I was numb walking around like a zombie. Cause I had no idea what I was doing. I had given it all away and I decided, Hey, you know, once that started happening, I would, you know, like you said, my identity, I knew who I was, but I didn't know how to get back. So many things, I didn't know how to get back there. That is so true is if we just communicate with that five-year-old, that's five-year-old tells the truth. Don't care if you get mad, don't care if you say no, and probably even fall out. When you say no, it doesn't matter that that five-year-old knows exactly what he or she wants period. Yeah, period. No, it's wishy-washy rounded. It's I want it and I want it now. Yeah, exactly. Such, such genuine, just an authentic way to be. Yes. Yes. Yes. So let me ask you. So if someone is listening right now, I know your audience are listening and, um, they're recognizing themselves. Like I just did. What's the first, I want to see that they can take to stop repeating these things. Um, you know, being aware, right. So really sitting there and I'm, I'll never stop stressing pen and paper more. And I, and I know are like, I just don't write, well, you know what, then you can't do the work without writing. It's just not going to happen. Um, you know, and are, are there people that are not able to physically write? Yes, absolutely. So in that case, you know, you find some, some other alternative, but the point is get it out of your body in a physical manner. And that is the direction of the pen and the paper. So the awareness and I did this, man, I was completely repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results, which was insanity, right? You're not still having the same relationships and they all suck. Well, you know what? It's not the relationships. And I, you know, I recognize this in people today that will go, Oh, you just don't have any idea what it's like live with a narcissist. And that just completely freaks me out because I just want to ask them. So what part of you attracted a person like that? So let's talk about that. You know what I mean? So why do you think that you ended up with somebody that is that way? There's awareness. What is it? And it's not saying fault or blame. It's not fault or blame. It's where am I right now? And that is not just literally in the sense of your geographic location, but right now I'm feeling undervalued right now. I'm feeling like I hate my job right now. I'm feeling like my family doesn't respect or love me. Those are the awareness. That's the start. Yeah, absolutely. Great. That's good. That's good stuff. Yeah. So tell us where my audience can reach you, even though it's going to be in the description under the video, please tell them out of your mouth, where are you going to be and what you're up to in this coming month. Thank you so much. So me, my website has everything and peshka.com is my website. I've got a YouTube channel. I just started moving my podcast over to Spotify as well. My book is on Amazon. It's on Audible. It's on Apple. It's on Spotify. The name of my podcast is Trauma Recycled Conversations. And it's there that I'm bringing people on that talk about the hard stuff, talk about the difficult stuff and things that help others feel connected. And that's the entire reason I wrote my book is that I remember feeling I was I didn't belong. And my story sucked. And I was like, really not worthy of anything. And I just really want to just extend that to people that your story does matter. And it's amazing. Story is amazing. You know what, embrace it and live it. That's right. Well, we want to thank you today. And for being here, because you have brought some enlightenment to me as well as my audience. And audience, here's the truth. You don't break patterns by understanding them. You break them by making different decisions. And most people avoid that part. You heard the story. Now let's talk about what to do with it. If this conversation hit you, don't sit in awareness and call it growth. Do something with it. This is what our guest said today. You know, book a session with her book a session with me. Let's identify the pattern and shift it intentionally. And if you're ready for more conversations like this, make sure you subscribe and like and share keeping it real on purpose. Thank you so much. And this is your host Edna White and my esteemed guest was saying goodbye for now. Thank you. Bye bye.