This Makes Him See You As Confident

There was a woman who told me she felt like she fell apart every time she got around a man she really liked. Her heart would race. Her mind would start spinning. She couldn't stop the anxious feelings from overwhelming her. Checking her phone. Feeling every silent moment. Her mind was racing. She tried to be confident and relaxed. The more she tried to be confident and relaxed, the more nervous and the more needy and the less like herself she became. Here's what she didn't know. The very thing she was running from was the thing that would have made her feel more confident. Because confidence isn't something you feel your way into. It's something you earn by being willing to sit in the discomfort instead of escaping it. And a man can feel the difference in a second. You can tell when a woman has stopped running from how she feels around him. She's calmer. She's steadier. In this video, I'm going to tell you how you can get that level of confidence. Because that's the confidence when men feel that doesn't come across as arrogant or strong or bossy. It comes across as soft. To be soft and feminine comes from a place of strength. It doesn't come from a place of being guarded. Now, I'm Bob Grant. If you don't know me, I'm the founder of Relationship Headquarters. I also have a free gift for you right down below. It's called What Men Find Irresistible. If you like this at the end, be sure and hit the like button and subscribe so I can have more of these for you. Now, I've noticed this with women since I work with them predominantly is that they don't come in to me and say, I want to be so confident. What they do is they tell me about situations that happen where they're mortified or they're embarrassed. And they come in because I'm safe. And they'll tell me how a date went or they'll tell me how bad it went. And they think, I can't believe I said that. I can't believe I told him these things and I complained too much and he's never going to like me. And what they're talking about is they felt nervous and excited about him. And then when they felt nervous, they did whatever they tend to do, which is whatever their go to is. If they're chatty, they became overly chatty. If there's something that's quiet, they became too reserved and felt like they were just boring and not saying anything. And they could feel that they were doing it, but they didn't feel the confidence or the strength, the conviction to be able to be who they really are. And they're trying to cut it on in the moment. And what they're failing to realize is that all the confidence they want is developed prior to they ever meet the man. Let me go into details. Most all of us want to live a good life, a comfortable life. And we think in terms of comfort. We think in terms of feeling good. So why would I want to do anything uncomfortable? Well, we do that with exercise. We push ourselves and we know it's going to have a payoff. We do that with eating. Hopefully we don't just eat whatever we want. We eat stuff that's good for us. Might even kind of watch what we eat a little bit. Confidence works the same way. Confidence is built on a skill set or the belief in your ability. I'll give you an example. Right now, if you're assuming you can walk, if you can walk, you're very confident. You don't think about it. It's because you do it all the time. You've done it since you were a little bitty, most likely. And so I do the same thing with breathing, moving your arms, things we take for granted. But we do those things and have confidence in them because we have mastery over them. When it comes to confidence in a relationship, the tendency is I've had bad experiences with men. And because I've had bad experiences, I don't want to have any more bad experiences. So once it feels bad or uncomfortable, that must mean he's a bad man or he's someone that's going to hurt me. That's always why, not judging here, but ladies, I hear a lot on the internet when I hear so much of, he's just a narcissist or he's not a real man. Part of me cringes because a real narcissist is a specific psychological diagnosis and the DSM, whatever it is now, five or whatever the most latest edition is, specific criteria for it. Some men may be narcissists, but that's an easy way of doing that, of blaming like it's all him. Reality is oftentimes there's uncomfortable situations. Maybe the man does something you don't like. Maybe he's a little rude or maybe he doesn't mean to be. He's just having a weird day. And because it feels uncomfortable, instead of actually sitting with that uncomfortableness, instead of holding on, we react to it or we stuff it. And usually the belief is, if I don't act on this, he's going to take advantage of me. No man is going to take advantage of me again. The logic of that sounds good, but here's what's happening in your brain. When you or I say that, this is, no man's going to do this. You don't realize this, but a part of your brain inserts the word never. Notice how different this is. Forever. No man is ever going to take advantage of me. Ever. Like no man's ever, ever going to for the rest of your life. Ever. Well, the only way to make sure no man ever takes advantage of you or ever hurts you or ever is rude to you is to keep men at a distance and erect this wall around your heart. And that will prevent men from hurting, mistreating you again. And if that's the main goal in life, not to get hurt, you will always struggle with confidence. Confidence is your ability to function, to glow, to shine, even when you don't feel confident. Confidence is not a feeling. I know that's what we want. We want to feel confident, but we want things that are outside of our grasp. We want a relationship, even though we're struggling, but we don't want to push ourselves to grow. We just want him to show up. The right man shows up. Again, men do this too. If the right man shows up, then I feel confident enough and I wish that was true. I wish I could have chocolate all day long and not gain any weight. I wish I could lay in bed all day and wake up full of exercise and you and I grow based on the things we're willing to stretch with. So if I really want confidence, if I want to appear a certain way, if there's a certain type of man I like or fancy, then what do I do when things are tough during the day? Do I complain or do I make it a point to make the best of that day? These aren't just things like, you should do this and this is positive. These are the seeds. These are what create the confidence that you and I look at someone else. If it's a woman and say, wow, she just has an air about her. Wow, she just seems so calm because you and I have both seen women that at a glance were really, really, really pretty, but the way they acted told you they were not secure. I mean, they were attractive, but they were afraid to let people, especially men get close. I've had many clients like that. You wouldn't know it until you started talking to them. Just having ability does not produce confidence. Therefore, as you and I make it a point, my urge to you is, if we make it a point that every day I'm going to make it a point, not necessarily to be super positive all the time, but how can I begin doing things in spite of how I feel without complaining? How can I make the best of stuff? Again, I'm not trying to be dead here, but the reason for this is when you go on that date or when the relationship gets tough, it's not going to rattle you as much because you've already had a lot of practice dealing with uncomfortable feelings. You won't do whatever it takes to make the uncomfortable feeling go away, whether that's blaming him, accusing him, putting yourself down. That's one of the best ones I've seen. Some women put themselves down awfully terribly to justify their uncomfortable feeling. A woman in our campfire group the other night, I won't mention her name, but she was having a really rough day, and she's writing in her journal about it. To her credit, she was honest, and out it came. She blurred out. She said, you're so stupid that you didn't get this rule right. You didn't do this. I'm reading this, and I did ask her to be transparent. I said, you just told your heart that you're stupid and dumb. I wasn't fussing, but I wanted her to hear that. I said, because when in doubt, that's what she would do is blame herself. Something's wrong with me. It's such a bad habit. That's why she struggles with self-confidence. Because of the struggle with self-confidence is where it's going to lead is wanting validation from men, even more so than men want to do or can do. This is counterintuitive, I know. I'm not minimizing those that have been through trauma. Please leave a comment below. I'm curious what you think about this. I read every one of them. I'm not telling you tough times are not tough, but when things are tough and tedious and boring and monotonous, that is the seed, that is the fertile ground for you to build confidence and for you to be able to take that into a relationship. Once you go on the date, it's too late to build it then. Once you've fallen in love, you can do it. It's just hard to start there because you have a lot more risk, but you can start today. Today, you can start becoming the woman you've chosen to be, to have the relationship you've always wanted to have. I'd be sure and check out the next video. I look forward to seeing you next time.