Parenting Kids With Big Feelings | Dr. Becky Kennedy, Good Inside Podcast | A Kids Co.

Raising Us is sponsored by Nugget, makers of the original Play Couch. There are definitely times kids want to be, quote, left alone. But when your six-year-old is out of control, fight or flight, scratching and hissing and in their room, totally dysregulated, leave me alone. They're really saying, I am so scared of the feelings in my body and I am so scared of being alone in them. Parenting doesn't come with a script, but it does come with lots of questions. I'm Elise Hugh, journalist, mom, and your host for Raising Us, a podcast from A Kids' Co. Each week, we break down the big timely topics so you can have honest, meaningful conversations with your kids. Because these conversations matter and every time we show up for them, we're not just raising thoughtful kids, we're raising us too. On today's episode, we're talking about something every parent probably knows all too well, big feelings. You know what I mean, the meltdowns, slammed doors, tears that might come out of nowhere. Some kids just feel everything more intensely. And while those feelings can be overwhelming for them and for us, they're also a window into what's really going on inside. So how do we show up for our kids in those moments? How do we stay calm when they're not and help them learn to manage those feelings over time? To help us unpack it, I'm joined by Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, mom of three, and bestselling author and host of The Good Inside podcast. Her new book, Leave Me Alone, tackles one of the hardest parts of parenting, when our kids push us away but really need us the most. Dr. Becky, thanks for coming on the show. Thank you for having me. It's so good to see you again. It's good to see you. You are well known for creating good inside and for helping so many of us navigate our kids' big feelings as well as our own big feelings, especially those of us who have deeply feeling kids. And you and I are friendly, and we both have one among our three kids, or I guess it would be six combined. Talk about what deeply feeling kids are like and how it shows up in our home. I mean, just thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak about it, because even if one parent from this feels like, oh my goodness, I better understand my kid. I better understand myself. I better understand my husband, my wife, my colleague. I just think it's so important, because I think deeply feeling kids are the most misunderstood group of kids in the world. So I'll talk about what we see, even though I know you know this about me. To me, what we see as behavior is just a clue to trying to figure out what's actually happening inside. But let's start with what we see. What you will see with a deeply feeling kid is huge meltdown explosions. They happen more often, they are more intense, and those kids take longer to calm down. So I always like to tell parents, you're not making that up. I believe you. That is definitely true. Another thing you'll see is when those kids are the most escalated, they tend to push you away, even though down in your heart, you're like, I kind of think you need my help right now. So leave me alone. I hate you. Everyone get away from me. They're like, OK, so that's happening in this moment. Three. These are kids who tend to blame other people when they are just internally upset or embarrassed. Classic. You trip me. And you're like, I wasn't even in the room. I wasn't even in the room. I'm not someone who would trip you, but I was on the other side. I was on the couch. You were running in the hallway. A lot of it's all your fault. Or it's all your fault, even when they're older. It's your fault. You made me try out for the soccer team. You're like, I don't even like soccer. Even if I did encourage you, obviously, like, I didn't really make you not make the team. Right. So definitely true. They blame the refs. Right. Oh, that ref didn't call that foul. That's why we lost the game. Right. It's kind of my overwhelming feelings of disappointment are someone else's fault. And number four, these are kids who tend to really struggle. And this is important with surprises, even surprises we deem as good ones. You call their name on the basketball court. They're like apoplectic. You go to their room in their school. You're the mystery reader. And they melt down. Right. They don't like to watch movies because they could be surprised by something that happens. And so I think those four things are things we see on the outside. And if you'll let me, like, to me, what's really powerful on the inside, because we make up stories all the time based on the outside. I call that our least generous interpretation. My kids dramatic. They're oppositional. They're defiant. They're crazy. Right. But if we understand what's happening on the inside, you don't need me to give you a different story. You on your own would make up a very different story. So I think the core way I understand deeply feeling kids that has been really powerful now for hundreds of thousands of families is these kids are more porous to the world. And I love that word precisely because most people say, like, I kind of know what you mean, but that's not usually how I've ever thought about a person. If you think about the pores on your skin, and you think about each one being kind of bigger, you would understand, oh, well, more would flow into my body from the world. I would literally feel more things because more would flow in. But I must also then be someone who reaches capacity quicker. And when everything comes out, because my pores are bigger, it would come out like a five alarm fire, because the pores are wider to have everything come out. And if you also think about porousness, it would explain why, if you're really porous to the world, you become hyper vigilant. Because you're like, could that overtake me? Is that thing out to get me? Because deeply feeling kids, they'll be in a room with another kid watching a movie, and the kid laughs at the movie, and they go, that kid's laughing at me. And you're like, oh my goodness, they almost look paranoid. But again, it's because they've developed this real hyper vigilance, trying to keep themselves safe, even though it tends to dysregulate them further. I'm so curious what you're like as a mom, because you have all of this professional knowledge, especially about deeply feeling kids, and you have one yourself. And so how do you navigate those moments where your professional knowledge meets kind of just personal reaction or feeling in the moment? Yeah. And honestly, I don't know if I'm so different from any parent who's really invested in their parenting journey as a learning journey. And what I mean by that, to me, that's the best gift we can give ourselves and our kids as a parent. As a parent, I'm on a learning journey. I say we say that. Someone asked me recently, my kids saw me using your app. What should I? They said, what is that? I was so embarrassed. I go, tell them. The most important job in my life is being a parent. And so this is where I learn. I learn like you learn, we learn together. And I think the thing about learning and why I'd say I'm just like any other parent who's really on a learning journey is I feel like I'm getting information to better understand and to also work on regulating myself. And when you're on that journey more often than months ago, you're able to say I actually showed up in a way I'm proud of. But you never get to the finish line. As a parent, I'm never like, well, actually, I'm glad you asked because I am a perfect parent. Like, no. And I wouldn't wish that upon any kid either. We always say in my family, perfect is creepy. It's like this mantra. I do think it's creepy, right? And so I think as a parent, yes, I do feel like I understand my kid's behavior. And that understanding comes to me in the heat of the moment. Some of the time. Other times it doesn't. I yell. I say things I wish I could take back. And then what I really do try to hold myself to is to repair because I really do think repair is like the essence of where relationships really get stronger. Let's talk about your new children's book, Leave Me Alone, which is so aptly titled because it tackles one of those difficult moments in parenting when our kid is telling us, leave me alone. What made you want to explore that phrase and those moments in particular? So first of all, I love children's books. I read children's books to my kids way at a later age than I think a lot of people do. I guess I just think if you think about us, me and you, and if you were telling me, let's say we work together and you're like, Becky, you've been late to work the last week. I want to talk to you about that. I feel like I'm a fairly psychologically mature person. I'd be like, no, I'm not. You've been late. It doesn't even make sense. Why am I even saying that, right? I just feel so defensive. But if you started reading me a book, I'm joking, about like Sally, who's like late to work. And you were like, I wonder why Sally's late to work. I'd be like, I don't know. I wonder if Sally's like having a hard time with her kids in the morning, you know? You'd be like, oh, maybe. I wonder what Sally could do. Well, Sally should at least, you know, all of a sudden I'm talking about myself, but only because I can talk through this character, Sally. And I do think the point of that is we can't pretend as adults we're above that. Like we get defensive too. It's hard to feel like vulnerable in a way. And so I love children's books because I think they have this power for a kid of entering into a world that your kid lives in and your kid struggles in. But it's just so much easier to enter into it and understand and learn through something that's a little distant from yourself, like a character. And so in Leave Me Alone, to me, one of the things I find parents have the hardest time with is when their kids say words that on the surface mean one thing, but if you look at the fear underneath their words, mean a different thing. I'm deeply feeling kids do this all the time. You wouldn't even care if I was in this family. As soon as a parent knows that what that kid is really saying is, I worry nobody would care if I was in this family. Your intervention immediately changes, right? Okay. Now, I respect kids' words. There are definitely times kids want to be, quote, left alone. But when your six-year-old is out of control, fight or flight, scratching and hissing and in their room, totally dysregulated, leave me alone. They're really saying, I am so scared of the feelings in my body and I am so scared of being alone in them. They're almost saying, please don't leave me alone. Not because you can fix it, but if I can see that you can survive this feeling in my presence, then I believe one day I'll be able to survive this feeling. I'll finally feel like I'm not too much, which is still a fear a lot of us carry around in adulthood. And so it's complicated. But I think I realized a while ago when parents asked me, they're like, okay, so they're saying it, but they don't say it. And I'm bringing them to their room, what am I doing? And I was like, you know what would actually make this easier? Let me illustrate this. And I was talking about it with my team and they're like, let's just make it into a book. Because then when you're so tired at the end of the night, and you're like, I just don't have it in me, but I am going to read my kid a book. What if that book helped me and my kid together and helped my kid feel seen and less shame and helped me feel more empowered and led to certain moments and conversations. And I just feel like that's a tool every parent wants to have in their home. After the break, more Dr. Becky, and she's going to share her go-to tools for helping deeply feeling kids and their parents navigate those big emotions. Stay tuned. How are you showing yourself a little extra love this February? For me, it's been about slowing down and making home feel like a haven with cozy earth. Their bamboo pajama set has become part of my nighttime ritual. It's lightweight, but cozy, effortlessly soft. And it helps me actually want to go to bed earlier. It drapes beautifully and sleeps cooler than cotton. So I stay comfortable all night long. No overheating, just comfort that lasts. And when I want that extra layer of calm, maybe at the end of a long day with the kids or after recording days, I grab Cozy Earth's classic cuddle blanket. It's plush, warm, and just heavy enough to feel like a hug. Perfect for gifting someone special or yourself. Cozy Earth really does turn everyday moments into opportunities to feel cared for. And with a 100-night sleep trial and a 10-year warranty, you can try them absolutely risk-free. But trust me, once you feel this level of softness, you won't want to give it back. Start the new year off right and give your home the luxury it deserves and make home the best part of life. Head to CozyEarth.com and use my code RAISINGUS for up to 20% off. And if you get a post-purchase survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here at Raising Us. Refresh your routines with comfort that makes every day feel like a new year. On a recent family getaway, we packed up the car and headed out for a long weekend near Zion National Park. We stayed in this giant cabin we found on Airbnb, driving distance from the park, surrounded by all the gorgeous views and full of sunlight. And what I remember most isn't the cabin itself, it's the rhythm we fell into together once we got there. Every morning, the kids could pile into that big sun-drenched living room. They were still wrapped in their fuzzy blankets and we made plans for the day together. We would go hiking, we'd go swimming, we rented electric bikes, and we spent the afternoons out on the trails. And when we came back, everyone seemed to drift naturally to the huge deck and yard. The youngest ones playing games, the older kid recapping her favorite parts of the day. Being together like that, away from our regular routines, gave our blended family the kind of time we don't always get at home. Lots of jokes, inside jokes, quiet moments, watching the sky turn pink over the rocks, and that real feeling of belonging that happens when you're sharing experiences and not just checking some sightseeing off a list. If you are planning your next family trip, consider booking a stay on Airbnb. Finding a space that lets you live like locals and make your own family rhythm. It turns a getaway into something you'll all remember. You mentioned that obviously, it's different at different age groups. We've been talking about elementary aged kids because that's largely what a kids' co is for. But what happens when our teens start saying this? And our teens, because I feel like I get this daily, leave me alone. In that case, how do you react? So look, I think we're so excited at Good Inside coming up, we're doing a lot more for teens. I'll just keep it at that. But here's the core way I think parents need to understand teens, okay? They act like they don't need you. They still need you. I just think like if you say, okay, so what does that mean with leave me alone? Now it's a little different. If a 16-year-old, leave me alone. Do I recommend going into their room and sitting with them on the ground? Like, probably not. Although I can't even tell you how many 16-year-olds I've seen in my practice who feel so betrayed by how literally their parents have taken their words. I'll remember to the day I die, this one time I got in a huge fight and I slammed the door, leave me alone. You never understand me. And she goes to me, a couple of minutes later, I opened the door and can you believe my mom wasn't there? And it's laughable, but it's also so deeply true that just our teens need us to leave them alone and they need us to come back. That's the dance of adolescence. They're like, I'm my own person. Please put me to bed and tuck me in, right? They both, and we have to kind of tolerate that because that is the struggle of adolescence. Am I my own person? But I do still kind of need my parents, but I don't really want to because soon I'm gonna be out of the house. And so that's right. So when your kid says, leave me alone, sure, give them some space. And you can do that with the DFK too. Sometimes I think parents take me too literally. Like I have to sit in the room. I have a baby crying. No, but you can say, I'm gonna go check on your sister. You're a good kid having a hard time, but I'm gonna be back to check on you. That's very different than you're crazy. Nobody can be with you when you're like this. Very different. So I think for a teen, leave me alone. Okay, I'm gonna step out. Couple minutes later, I slip a note under their door. Love you, I'm on your team. I could cry. And even if you hear your kid rip up the note, okay, I would bet a lot of money that they read it, that they needed to hear it, and that the tearing of the note is just their kind of way of saying, I'm still so conflicted about how much I need you. So I had to read it and rip it up to make sense of that. Yeah, I do call this phase, because I now have a teen, I hate you come snuggle, which is kind of what you're saying. Yeah, like I think so many parents like, how is my teenager so rude to me? I don't want to be around you. Oh my goodness, you're so cringe. And then they literally still like, I still feel like I tuck them in. Like they want to talk to me at night. People are like, am I in a toxic relationship where I'm just waiting for this person to call? Like that's what it feels like sometimes, right? Yeah, I wonder about that. Yes, being gravely mistreated, and sometimes that. For parents listening, especially those of us who are raising deeply feeling kids, what are just a few simple things to think about or tools that we can use when emotions feel too big for everyone? Not just the kid, but also us. Yeah, so look, I'm going to say a couple of different things. Number one, and this is going to sound hopefully practical, but also I know it sounds like deep, almost existential. I think our job as parents often is to continually remind ourselves, like I am not my kid. Those are my kids' feelings. Their feelings are big. The only reason we have such a hard time with them is because it's like they infiltrate our body. We've almost forgotten, right? So there's no simple way to do this, but I do love the mantra, like I'm the pilot, not the turbulence. Your kid is the turbulence. The worst thing for a pilot is to be taken over by the turbulence. Ah, it's all about me. Can you imagine? You're like, oh my goodness. And the turbulence is happening, but just remember as a parent, the turbulence isn't a barometer of whether or not you're doing a good job as a pilot. A pilot never says, I had a great flight. There was no turbulence. I had a bad flight. We hit turbulence. What? I think actually, not like I would know, but if you're a pilot who gets through turbulence, ironically, you feel really good about yourself on the ground. You're like, yeah, I got, I knew what to do. You navigated through it. And I think that's exactly right. They never say like, oh, I hit turbulence. I don't, no, you know, just turbulence is just part of the game and parenting and piloting. So I think that's really helpful for parents to hear, because if you're with your kid, and I would really try this, and maybe even before, what is your visual of you as a pilot in the cockpit in your home? You still have to see your kids, so you probably can't put a literal wall, but really visuals are powerful. Can you imagine a glass bubble around you? Can you picture your kid's room where they usually are when they're having that 10 out of 10 moment? And can you like picture a corner of it now where you're like sitting and kind of like put this thing around you? And even now, okay, there, I'm the pilot, not the turbulence. Oh, turbulence is intense. Everyone's gonna have to buckle up. We're gonna wait this out because then when you're there the next time, you kind of have a focus, you have a job, right? And what's your job when your kid is at a 10 out of 10? What's a pilot job during turbulence? It's not to get out of it as quickly as possible. Can you imagine a pilot like feeding the plane all the time? It makes the turbulence last longer because now you're like part of the turbulence. The pilot's job is to kind of say, take a deep breath. What am I gonna do? What's under my control? Let me just keep flying through this. That's your job. So I think knowing that starts to change things. Then number two, I just said this at a live event last night. Like no matter what your kid's struggle is, and right now maybe a parent's thinking it's these DFK type meltdowns. Maybe it's different. Maybe it's my kid is a sore loser on the soccer field, okay? We often wanna know, what do I do when that happens? What do I do? There's just a whole nother category of things that makes a bigger difference for change. What do I do outside the moment so I can actually help me and my kid for the next time it comes? Or so I can just reduce the likelihood of that coming. Like if these moments are kind of a fire, sure, you can get really good at knowing what to do during a fire. But at least you and I know the better way of living is like just having fewer fires. That's like much more peaceful. So I think we just forget that bucket. And I get it, because we survive the moment. We're like, oh, fine. But like what kind of situations does my kid really react to? What would they need to do to not be a different kid, but just to handle the moment a little differently? Am I helping them with that? And if I don't know, I always say to people, that's what we do well at Good Inside. Like we set up that whole arc for you. It is like anything else. Like if you wanted to learn Spanish, you wouldn't wait till you were in Spain at a restaurant. You'd like do little things before. With Shipt, you can order everything you need. Groceries, gifts, home essentials, even pet supplies from your favorite local stores. I can get stuff from Target, Albertsons, or my neighborhood store all in one go without leaving the house. And the shoppers with Shipt, they're amazing, careful, and thoughtful. I'm pretty picky about my produce. And they always text me to double check how ripe I want my avocados or which brand of oat milk my kids like. It feels like having a personal shopper who just gets it. Shipt has been such a lifesaver. It's given me more time to slow down and actually be with my girls at the end of the day, instead of running around doing errands like groceries. With an annual Shipt membership, you get unlimited same day deliveries with no delivery fees on orders over $35, plus exclusive deals. And you can even ask for your favorite shopper again. So if your days are packed like mine, let Shipt handle the busy work so you can focus on what matters most. Download the app or order now at shipt.com. That's S-H-I-P-T dot com. Simple, memorable, and loaded. S-H-I-P-T, Shipt. There's a 14-day free trial. And with Shipt, it's never just a delivery order. It's shopped the same day in the same way you would. You know that feeling when you get a random email? Your subscription has renewed and you think, wait, I'm still paying for that? I actually have those months recently where it felt like every other day I was getting a receipt for some app. I tried once, you know, that free seven-day trial, and then I forget to cancel. Or a streaming service nobody in our house even watches. It's a modern digital life tax, especially when you've got kids and every other game or platform wants a monthly fee. That's actually what made me curious about Rocket Money. And I am actually a subscriber. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. It monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. It'll scan your regular charges. It'll flag subscriptions you might not be using. And if you're a premium member, they can even cancel a lot of subscriptions for you. No waiting on hold or digging through old emails. What I really like is how it turns those numbers into a picture of how you actually live. You can see your spending across accounts, sort it into categories like kids' activities, school stuff, streaming, and then you decide what really matters to your family and what can go. You can even set budgets and savings goals and get gentle nudges when you're trending over in a category or two. So you're not surprised at the end of the month. If you're ready to stop paying for things you forgot you even signed up for, this happens to me way too much, and start putting that money toward things you actually care about, Rocket Money can help. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash raising us. That's rocketmoney.com slash raising us. rocketmoney.com slash raising us. And just to go back to deeply feeling kids and surprises, we don't actually have to reduce the number of surprises that might happen because surprises do happen. Life is full of them. Yes, yep. How do we better prepare our deeply feeling kids so that they can handle them better? Exactly. So there's two things. We cannot take away all surprises, and part of that is reality, and part of that is I don't wanna have my kid grow up in a world that's completely different than the world they're gonna go into. I'm not trying to bubble wrap my kid. Surprises happen. And there are moments when a tiny bit of prep reduces a surprise. I don't know. We're all going to my sister's house, and there's a lot of cousins, and I'm just putting my kid in the car, and I haven't even said, oh, we're going to Aunt Elisa's house. We haven't even said that. They're like, where am I going? We're going to Aunt Elisa's house, but you know what you probably would wanna know? Your cousins aren't there. It's just gonna be only adults. That's gonna be pretty different. That's gonna help my kid prepare for it. We're going to a birthday party, and you know what? Is that a place you've never been? I know for me, I like to see a little bit. You wanna look at the website together just so you know what the gym looks like so it's a little familiar? And what parents often say to me, and I get it, they're like, Dr. Becky, no offense. I don't have time for that. Who has time for that? Here's what I think's interesting. We either spend time preparing or reacting. Either way, it's time, and whatever way we're accustomed to spending our time, we don't mentally account for as time. So you know what happens because you don't spend 15 seconds showing your kid a picture of the gym? You will spend an hour and a half at the birthday party managing a meltdown. Like, I don't have a vested interest in how parents spend their time. I can just tell you, I would prefer the 15 seconds to the hour and a half. Like, that's what I've learned. So I do think you can reduce certain surprises. The other thing, knowing that, is it's actually, this is one of my favorite lines for everyone, but definitely for deeply feeling kids. Oh, you weren't expecting that. Oh, the gym, and it's so loud. We're like, it's not that loud. You're okay. You're, such a different thing to say, oh, you weren't expecting that. You weren't expecting such a loud party. It's actually just like, my heart, like, feels, and by the way, if I went to a restaurant with my husband, and he's very, he's chiller than I am. And I thought we had a reservation. And instead we get there for this nice date night. And they're like, yes, yeah, it's an hour and a half wait. I'm like, what? If he's like, come on, it's not a big deal. Not helpful. If he goes, oh, you weren't expecting that. I'd be like, you know what? That's what I still need to hear too. Yeah, yeah. Okay, one last thing to kind of leave this interview with. If you could give one message to parents about guiding their kids through big feelings, what would it be? Parents ask me a lot with deeply feeling kids, the same question. Dr. Becky, this book, your deeply feeling kid program in the app, whatever it is, are you gonna help my kid grow out of this? And what I want to say to you, if you have a kid with big feelings is, no, I and you can help your kid harness this. Because feelings are information. And kids who are deeply feeling are overwhelmed by how much information is in their body. But the best leaders in the world and the world changers, they don't ignore information that's overwhelming. They're actually able to cope with it and use it. And I think deeply feeling kids are the kids who are the most confident when they get older, if we help them harness it, who really know themselves, if we help them harness it, who question things around them and change things and stand up for themselves and are beautifully empathic and they notice everything and they're the comedians and they're the leaders. And so I would say to you is the early years are hard. The early years matter. The stuff just doesn't unfold. But just remember your goal isn't to get rid of it or to help them grow out of it. Your goal is to help them harness it. Dr. Becky Kennedy, thank you so much for sitting down with me. Thank you. Thank you so much to Dr. Becky Kennedy for joining us. Big feelings aren't something to fix. There's something to understand and harness. Our deeply feeling kids aren't really difficult ones. And when we stop seeing them that way, everything about how we respond can begin to shift. In those moments of empathy and connection, we're not just helping them manage emotions, we're teaching them what it feels like to be seen and supported. For more tools and resources, visit us at akidsco.com. And thank you for listening. You can always reach out with your ideas and your feedback at helloakidsco.com. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And don't forget to subscribe and follow on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever else you get your shows. I'm Elise Hugh. We'll talk to you next time. Raising Us is sponsored by Nugget.