My Tradition Is Forcing Me To Pay For A Wife

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. I've been with my girlfriend for about three and a half years now and I'm considering proposing. We're both fresh out of college, just lived together for about a year now and we're doing pretty well financially for our age. The issue is that we're both Chinese, well I guess that's not the issue, but her family follows some traditional Chinese marriage traditions that my family does not. In her family, I'd be expected to give her parents about $30,000 to $40,000 as a dowry or bride price. And there's also significant pressure to have a large, traditional Chinese wedding. And then my girlfriend and I are both not particularly interested in having and spending a lot on a wedding, but I think her parents and extended family strongly expect it. I like her a lot. I like her parents a lot. I think they're great. But my concern is just that even with our income right now, this would cause a pretty big hit, especially down the line for our saving. What is your income? So we are both making around $175K each gross. Each. So if you were married, you'd be making a $350,000 household income. Okay. So have you made the decision that you're going to honor both of these requests regardless or are you trying to work through if you're going to set a boundary here or not? I'll be honest, it's probably looking like, like I would say leaning towards yes for both. The bride price is something that is, I think, just very standard in her family. It's something that if I, I guess if for either of these, if we were to not do either one, her parents would not either not approve of the marriage or be, I'd be on very bad terms with them to be in the marriage. And I don't want to be like that. So I'm leaning towards doing both. Okay. All right. And so $30,000 and then how much is the traditional wedding going to cost? I would say, I don't actually know. I'm not super versed in how much a normal wedding is even, but I would say we're looking at roughly 75 to a hundred thousand dollars. I would guess that sounds right. Okay. So we need, let's call it 130 for the fun of it. And you make three 50. Um, and I mean, the first thing you've got to decide is that you're really going to do this. And both of you are going to do it in spite of whatever. Okay. Um, that that's hard because you sound, um, how do I say this properly? I don't know what the proper politically correct thing. You sound very Americanized distanced from those traditions. Yes. I personally, my family is very American. I hope that wasn't offensive or something, but I just, you know, you, you sound like this doesn't like it, you know, it's not something you would do in a million years. Uh, but it, but it kind of goes with the package. Now is the expectation that you're going to personally fund all of this or is she involved with her income? Is she willing to say the dowry and the bride price is something that I would personally fund. Technically her parents would actually give that amount back and more, but it would go into an account solely in her name that personally, I don't have a huge problem with. Oh, wait a minute. So the wedding, you're not going to have to pay for all of it. No, the, uh, well the bride price would be $30,000 from me to her basically. And then that goes into an account and her parents are going to give you more money for this big traditional wedding. Uh, it's more, it's more likely not for the wedding specifically. It's more just for her to have, I guess, like a safety net. That's kind of how it works in Chinese tradition. Can you spend all of that on the wedding? Uh, no, that would come from, I guess, our joint account. Okay. So it is a net loss of one 30 or so. Okay. So let's say she covers 50, you cover 50 for the wedding plus you're 30 or 40. Yeah. So you need to save up about $90,000 out of your income. Let's say over the next 12 months, 18 months. Yeah. And I guess my question was mostly just, is this something that I want to do? Uh, is it something that I should kind of just say like, screw it and let's do it now? Is it something that I should say? Uh, I need to save up and hold on more of this. Um, how should I budget for it accordingly? I guess it's my main question. Well, I, um, don't emotionally from the hillbilly culture connect to this tradition. So, cause most of ours are like shotgun weddings, right? So, uh, you know, I, I can't get my, my head around, but I, what I do want to respect is that you're going to be married to her for a long time and it's going to involve her parents. And so I, I, um, but I tell you what I probably would want to do and as respectfully as I could, are they in China? Her parents? No. Uh, her parents are in America. Okay. That's even better. I would want the two of you to sit down with her and her, her parents and say, we want to honor you, but you also need to understand that we were raised here and that we would, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't do any of this. The only reason we would do any of this is for you. Is there any amount of this that you would forgive and not force us to do? Yeah. I think she's actually had a conversation with that, um, just individually her with her parents. And, uh, this was probably like a few months back to a year back maybe. And they were saying like, Oh yeah. Like if you, if he does ever want to propose, these are the things he's going to have to do. He's going to have to like come up, uh, come up to us, like ask for our blessing, uh, stated amounts. And then that was 30 to 40,000 is probably the requested amount. And then also provide a bunch of like extra gifts and stuff. And I think that's their expectation. I would get real clear on the numbers and not let this become some unlimited thing that you just keep funding. At least that'll give you clarity. So I know what the numbers are for everything, the wedding, the dowry, and then figure out, okay, who's covering what, what's my portion. And then you set up a sinking fund. If you're going to go through this, I got to save four grand a month for the next 18 months to cover all of this. Are you in a spot financially to do that? Man, this is hard for me because I'm having trouble and you are too. That's why you call. I'm having a lot of trouble being required to write $130,000 check that I have absolutely no desire. Right. And I'm having trouble with that. And so, but I'm not very compliant. I'm more defiant. Um, and so, um, uh, and, uh, so I, you know, I don't know. I think if I'm, uh, I would probably sit down with her father one-to-one and say, okay, I heard what you told my potential fiance, your daughter. Um, but I want you to hear from me. I don't want to do any of it. And so I want to figure out what I can do that is honoring, because the only reason I'm doing anything is to honor you. Um, and I don't have to do any of it. She'll just go marry me. So we really need to talk about this. And, um, so, you know, and just see if there's any budge here. I don't know. I mean, at the end of the day, what I sacrifice relationships with the in-laws for the rest of my life for an X number of dollars when I make $350,000 a year. No, I probably wouldn't, but boy, do I hate blackmail? It does feel a little bit like that. You know, I don't like that. I mean, it's just a ransom note. Yeah. And I'm just, but again, it's my, that, that it's a cultural difference between being a hillbilly and being Chinese. And so I, I have to admit that intellectually outside that this is my emotions talking. I would just be like, but I mean, what if he didn't make one 75? What if he made 60? It's an unreasonable request. Yeah. What's unreasonable request anyway, but it's traditional and you know, it's the 15 year old birthday party. If you're Hispanic, right. And we spend all Keaton year, you get a brand new pony, create your free, every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.