The Ones About College | Friends

Hey, check out the flyers for the band. I made them on a Macintosh in the computer room. Awesome, the name really stands out. Thanks to a little something called Helvetica Bowl 24 point. Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union. Hey, guys. Hey, hey, Missy. Hey, Missy. You know, our band is playing on Friday. Yeah, yeah, you should come check us out. We're called Way No Way. No Way. Way. Great, I'll be there. Fresh. Boss. I mean, she's gone. I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out. Dude, I was gonna ask her out. I said it first, bro. Well, I thought it first, Holmes. Look, if you think. Wait, wait, what are we doing? What we have is too important to messing up over some girl. I mean, we can get laid anytime we want. Totally. I had sex in high school. Me too. I'm good at it. All right, I say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg. You got it. All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates, and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with. Those are the pact. Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway. Maybe not you. Oh, does anyone know where the Freeman building is? Yeah, it's the new building on Avenue A. What? That's all the way across town. I'm supposed to teach a graduate seminar there in 10 minutes. Ooh, dude, that's not gonna happen. Move it, move it, move it! Hey, a teacher! Sorry I'm a little late. Whoa, a lot late. Well, let me start by introducing myself. I'm Professor Geller. So, to sum up, I'm Professor Geller. Good job today. 50 minutes late to the class? What, did you crawl there? No, I ran, okay? It's really far. And when did people stop understanding the phrase get the hell out of my way? I wanted to meet you guys, but I have to run. I'll see you later? Okay. Bye, Ross. Bye. Oops, didn't mean to run into you like that, sir. Oh, that is quite all right, ma'am. So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do? Yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow. I'll tell her good luck with that. Anyone else, huh? Bring them on. Oh, when's her birthday? I don't know, Rachel, why? Well, you know, it's just been so long since I've been to Chuck E. Cheese's. I like Elizabeth. Well, thanks. Yeah, in fact, I like her so much that you tell her I want my cookies early this year. Look, I'm having a great time with you, and I just don't want us to move too fast or put too much pressure on us, so I'm sorry. I just don't think we should go away together yet. It's too soon. Oh, Ross, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to Florida for a couple of weeks. No. I think you misunderstood what I was saying. What I meant was... You are so adorable. That. Let's talk about that. Hey. Hey, how'd it go with Elizabeth? Oh, oh, it was fine. It was just a misunderstanding. She didn't want me to go with her. She just wanted to let me know that she's going to Florida for a spring vacation. Wait a minute, is she going for a spring vacation or is she going for spring break? Woo-hoo! What's the difference? Well, spring vacation, you're doing nice things with your grandparents. Spring break, you're doing fat guys. You know what? Not all spring breaks are like that. What'd you do on yours? I went to Egypt with my dad. I can see it now. Look, dad, it's the Sphinx. I think Elizabeth is a little more serious than spring break, woo-hoo! All right, I mean, come on, she's taking my class. And slept with the professor. I'm going to call her. Yeah. Well, there you are. So what'd Elizabeth say? Well, turns out she is going to Daytona for spring break, woo-hoo! That means wet t-shirt contests, guys doing shots off of girls' bodies, waking up next to people you don't even know. Man, she is going to have a great time. I'm so glad you're going on this trip. Yeah, I've been working so hard this semester. I really need to go crazy, you know? Blow off some steam. Sure, sure. Look, I don't know if your plans are finalized yet, but hey, I know another great way to blow off steam. What? Are you into crafts at all? Ross, are you okay? Yeah, of course I'm okay. I'm just being supportive, supportive of you and this whole trip and what is, what's this? It's a bathing suit. To wear in front of people? Is that supportive? Is this? Have a great time down there. I will. Hey, did you pack that bathing suit? Yeah. It was pretty funny when I hit it for a while, huh? Anyway, I am worried about that bathing suit, not because it's revealing, which I'm fine with. No, I'm concerned about your health. Sun exposure. Oh, don't worry. I have plenty of sunblock. It's SPF 30. All right, well, if what's in the bottle is actually 30, I mean, sometimes you get 30, sometimes it's four and I swear to God, more often than not, it's just milk. It's gonna be okay. I'm not going down there to hook up with a bunch of guys. I really like you. I like how things are going between us. Really? Yeah, just going down there to relax and hang out with my friends. Okay, cool. Oh, hey, here they are. Hey, Elizabeth! Call me. Everyone, this is Chandler, my roommate and lead singer of our band. Ross. Oh, this is Monica. Hi, I'm Ross' little sister. Okay. I'm so glad you could come, Chandler. We've got plenty of food, so I hope you're hungry. Oh, Mom, Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food. Oh, well, I'm so glad you brought him here, then. Chandler, if you want, I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner. Well, as long as the Pilgrims didn't eat it, then I'm in. Damn it! So, I'm thinking of asking Rachel out tonight. You know, maybe playing her that song we wrote last week. Emotional knapsack? Yeah. Right on. Oh, but don't take too long, okay? Because, you know, we're gonna test out our fake IDs tonight, right, Clifford Alvarez? Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I may be out with her all night. Dude, don't do that to me. Oh, no, it's cool. You can stay here. My parents won't mind. No, it's not that. I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister. Hey. Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room in the fridge. No. No, thank you. Well, Judy, you did it. She's finally full. I called you fat? I don't even remember that. Well, I do. I'm so sorry. I really am. But come on, I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage, had a wham concert for crying out loud. Oh, I can't believe you called her fat. I can't believe you let George Michael slap you. I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I'm so, so sorry. Actually, you know, that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about. Yes, it was. No, it wasn't. It was actually- Okay, you know what? Thanksgiving's over. Let's get ready for Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree? I have the cutest Christmas story. Okay, but we want to hear Monica's Thanksgiving story. Fine, all right. Mine had a dwarf that got broken in half, but you know, whatever. So, Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again. Oh, yeah, I had to. There was never any parking by the psychology building. Hi, Rachel. Oh, hi. Wow, love your new nose. Hi. What? Dr. Wilson's an artist. He removed my mole cluster. Want to see? Oh, God, please let me. Hey. Happy Thanksgiving. Hi. God, your hair sure is different. Yeah, we were just talking about that. Can't believe how stupid we used to look. So, where's Monica? She's upstairs. Monica, come down. Everyone's here. Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving. Hi, Chandler. Oh, my God. What's the matter? Is there something on my dress? You just, you look so different. Terrific. That dress, that body. Dude. Sorry. Yes, yes, Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really want to hear about is Ross's new girlfriend. Oh, wow. Okay. Her name is Carol, and she's really pretty and smart. And she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams. So, Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner. Dude. Sorry. Hey, well, today's my first lecture, and I kind of wanted to try it out on you guys. Do you mind? No, that'd be great. There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two distinct- Oh, this is it. This is what's gonna kill me. Subcategories. The first of these subcategories- Ah, who's Ross? Are there naked chicks on that piece of paper? No, why? Just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn't have naked chicks on it. Oh, okay. Okay. There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into- Why don't you open with a joke? Open with a joke? It's a university, not a comedy club. Wait a minute, hold the phone. You're not talking about Chuckles University? Hello. Hey, how'd the lecture go? It went great. And I didn't need any jokes or naked chicks either. Oh, that's great. Ross, I'm sorry we weren't more supportive before. I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyone's all, Ross, you have to be funny and sexy. Well, I proved them wrong. And now I'm gonna pass the news on to Joey and Chandler. That you're not funny or sexy? That's right. Right, so when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory, he made a startling discovery. What he believed to be igneous was in fact, sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when- Bloody hell. What are you doing? Look, I was nervous. You guys had me all worried I was gonna be boring. I got up there and they were all staring at me. I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out. Yeah, not a very good one. Will you please? Dr. Geller. Kurt Rathman. I'm a professor in the paleontology department here. Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture? I'm sorry, I've got plans with my sister. Monica Geller. Right, will you excuse us for one moment? What are you doing? Oh, you can have an accent, but I can't. Top of the morning to you laddies. Keep going, we are phasing the accent out. Phasing it out. So without retesting their results in the laboratory, the team would never have identified the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis. Were there any questions at this point? Yes. What's happening to your accent? Come again, what's this nonsense? All right, I'm not English. I'm from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just came out. I'm sorry. So if we could just get back to the lecture. Were there any questions about paleontology? Look, I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I'm hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression. Ross, are you crazy? I am still your wife. What, were you just never gonna tell me? What the hell is wrong with you? I could just kill you. Oh, Rachel. Oh, Rach, wait, do you wanna go to a movie tonight? Oh, you know what, I can't. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl. Can I come? I won't even talk. You just hear the noise from my video camera. What is this, what's going on? Oh, good, can I tell it, can I tell it? Well, do you wanna hear what actually happened to Joey's lewd version? Joey's? Okay. No, hey, come on. I have this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that one time she and I, you know, kissed a little bit. Yeah, I'm sure that happened. It did. Sure. Hey, it happened. Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi Luau and Melissa and I got very drunk and we ended up kissing for several minutes. Which means she had a couple of spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek. Why are you taking this away from me? Why is it so hard for you to believe? Okay, I just, I didn't know that you were lesbian. I'm not saying that I am a lesbian. I'm just saying that this happened. It just seems pretty wild and you're, you know, so vanilla. Vanilla? I am not vanilla. I've done lots of crazy things. I mean, I got drunk and married in Vegas. To Ross. All right, you know what? If you don't want to believe me about this, why don't you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you. Okay, all right, yeah. Cause I just can't picture it. No, you should get inside my head. Mr. Morris, can I see you for a moment? Yes, sir. Mr. Morris, I need to talk to you about your midterm exam. I'm afraid I had to fail you. Why? Well, you need 60% to pass. What'd I get? Seven. That's not so good. No, no, it's not. What happened there, Ned? Well, maybe you can cut me some slack. I'm sort of in love. I'm sorry, but that's really not my problem. I'm in love with you. Well, that brings me in the loop a little. See, that's why I did so bad on this test. I'm having a hard time concentrating. When you're up there and you're teaching and your face gets all serious, it looks so good. You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater. Okay. I'm your teacher. I'm sorry, you're a student and I like women in spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs. Rachel? She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital. Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel? What? When was this? 1987, the weekend you guys visited me at school. Oh my God, that's wild. But it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter. Well, it matters to me. Why? Because the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time. You kissed her that night too? Two guys in one night? Oh, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed. Seriously, where did this happen? Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in people's coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, but it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first. Oh, wait, what bed did you say she was on? Mine. I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed. No, she was definitely on my bed. Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed? Well, then who was on my bed? Oh, oh, oh. Under the pile of coats? I was the pile of coats. Oh, my God. You mystery kisser. You were my first kiss with Rachel? What's going on? The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us. Oh, you have to call the police. That's what I did to the kids in my building. No, it's a water balloon fight. We started it. Oh, listen, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. It's supposed to be excellent. The director is the same. Who drank all the kamikazes? Nobody. We put them in here. Can I just talk to you for a second? Yeah, sure. So this play, what do you think? It's gotten great reviews, you know? Attack! They put their balloons down. Now, this is a nice suit. I thought you were going out with Elizabeth. Yeah, I was, but she was a little busy with a water balloon fight. Oh, boss, sometimes grownups have commitments they just can't get out of. Maybe she is too young for me. When I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a babysitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don't know what to do. Why don't you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff? I mean, that's what I did. OK, bad stuff. Well, I'm 12 years older than she is. If the school finds out, you're fired. She's leaving for three months. Or camp. OK, good stuff. Well, she's sweet and pretty. Look, Ross, the only question you need to ask is, do you see a future? I mean, like, do you see yourself marrying her? Oh my god, you did it already. You married her, didn't you? No, no, it didn't do that. It's just, OK, honestly, no. I don't see a big future with her. OK, well, I think that's your answer. I got to talk to her. Oh, I hate this part. You have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean, if you're not careful, you may not get married at all this year. I have never had such a healthy breakup. She was such a grown up about it. She didn't seem too immature for me. Did I just make a huge mistake? Ross, wait. Elizabeth, thank god. I was just thinking about it. You suck. OK. Breakup's still on. Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is. Oh, thank you, Chandler. I just bought it. Oh, yes, well, it's very beautiful. And it's cream colored, and tight, and I mean, tight. I mean, it's not too tight, not that I was looking at it. What's the matter with him? I think he's stoned again. What? Dude, I need to talk to you a sec. OK, I think I might know why my parents don't like you. You do? Why? OK, remember, we were young. Hey. Spring break, sophomore year, I got high in my bedroom, and my parents walked in and smelled it. And so I told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window. What? Why did you do that? I don't know. It was the first name that popped into my head. I'm sorry. I didn't think it didn't matter. How could it not matter? Well, how was I supposed to know we'd end up being friends after college, let alone you'd be living with my sister? What about all that friends forever stuff? I don't know. I was all high. Mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you were trying to get Ross stoned. Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college, and he blamed it on me. Ross, I can't believe you'd do that. The reason we haven't told them we're together is because they hate me. OK, so will you fix this? OK, OK. I'll tell them it wasn't Chandler who got high. OK. Now, who should I say it was? You! It's not like it's a big deal. You don't still do it or anything. All right, all right. Now, who should I say tricked me into doing it? Let's go. Oh, yeah, about telling mom and dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter. All right, you know what? That's it. You've had your chance. Mom, dad, Ross smoked pot in college. What? You are such a tattletale! Mom, dad, you remember that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana? Yes. Well, I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot, but it was me. I'm sorry. It was you? And dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? Didn't steal your Playboys. Ross did. Hey, I just got my teacher evaluations. Check out what this one student wrote. I loved Dr. Geller's class. Mind-blowing lectures. Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department. Hotties of the paleontology department, there's a big-selling calendar, eh? Who wrote it? Oh, I wish I knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous. Hey, do you still have their final exams? Yeah. Oh, because you could just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting, and boom, there's your admirer. A hot girl's at stake, and all of a sudden, he's Rain Man. Why are we so sure that this is a girl? It's a girl. Anyway, it wouldn't matter, OK? Because I'm a teacher. She's a student. Oh, is that against the rules? No, but it is frowned upon. I see. Besides, there's a big age difference. Well, think of it like this. When you're 90. I know. When I'm 90, she'll be like 80, and it won't seem like such a big difference. That's not what I was going to say at all. What I was going to say is, when you're 90, you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old. Wow, looks like you were very generous with your grades this semester. Professor Geller? Yeah, what? I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your class. Oh, thank you. Thanks very much. Ow. I was a little embarrassed about calling you a hottie on my evaluation. That was you? Yeah. I felt a little weird about it. You're a teacher. I'm a student. But would you maybe want to go out with me sometime? Oh, I don't think that would be the best idea. Oh, because I was thinking. The semester's over. You're not my teacher anymore. What time? Oh, you know what? Forget it. I see you already gave me an A. Gotcha. I'm kidding. Oh, so seriously, what time? Oh, please. It was such a big class. You never even noticed me. What? Of course I did. You sat next to Sleepy Sleeperson. Who? Oh, I had trouble remembering everyone's names, so I kind of came up with nicknames. Like, the guy on the other side of you was Smelly Von Brownshirt. So did you have anything for me? Oh, no, no. Yes, you did. What was it? It's Cutie McPretty. Oh, that's so sweet. Listen, I got to tell you, I'm having a great time. You know how before you said it might be weird, the whole student-teacher thing? And to be frank, I thought it would be, too. But it's not. I mean, it's not at all. Dr. Geller! Burke! I can't. Oh, you have some studying to do? No, I have some Turning 21 to do. You know, I remember when I was in college, we used to just go, go, go. What are you doing? Nothing, I'm just, I'm so comfortable with you. Do you not want to be seen with me? What, no, of course I do. Are they gone? No, they're still here, but I think I'm about to leave. What, no, no, wait. You're right, this is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, we like each other, right? There's nothing wrong with that. Come on. Lydia, Mel, this is Elizabeth. Hi. Aren't you in my popular culture class? That's right, Lydia. Elizabeth here is a student, and we're dating. And you may frown upon that, but we're not going to hide it anymore. You are so fired. What? They're going to fire you. You can't date a student, it's against the rules. Really? It's not just frowned upon?