The Ones Where Phoebe Stirs the Pot | Friends

Hey, listen. Let me ask you. Do you believe in soulmates? Oh, yes, I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That's why I've stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He'll find me. Uh-huh. And you? No. I mean, I believe that certain people are more suited for each other, and I believe in falling in love, but soulmates, I don't think they exist. Okay, good. Why? Well, last night, I met Monica's. What? Yeah. I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other half. Come on. Don't be crazy. You don't think there's somebody out there better suited for Monica than me, do you? But what's he like? Well, he's tall. Uh-huh. He has brown hair. Of course. Of course. A tall guy with hair similar to mine. Oh, unknowable universe. He works with food. Oh, sure. Older? Obviously. And he's British. Oh, I was just gonna ask! Yeah? And he's so centered and mature and confident. Oh, it's so sad. They never had a chance to meet. Luckily, the guy she settled for can't hear what you're talking about. Oh, I'm so sorry. And maybe I'm wrong. But you know what? I'm gonna go out with him again. I'll find out more. You believe that this guy is destined for somebody else, and you're still gonna date him? Well, he may not be my soulmate, but a girl's gotta eat. Oh! Oh. Hi. Um, Chandler, Monica, this is Don. Oh, hello. Hello. Nice to meet you. How are you? Follow me. What have you guys been doing? Well, we just had a terrible lunch at Adriatica. What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes at that place? I know! What is this, 1985? That's exactly what I said. Phoebe, isn't that strange? Not really. What's wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? On a barbecued chicken pizza? No. So, Don, what other restaurants do you like? Well, Octavio, 27 and 7. Oh, there's this great little place, Alessandro's. Oh, my God, that's my restaurant. I'm the chef there. You're kidding me. Yeah. Your food is fantastic. Wow, I really want to talk to you about your menu. I'm just gonna get some coffees first. Anyone want anything? Oh, I'd like a latte. You know what? If you're gonna talk about me, I'm gonna go with you. What are you doing? Nothing. I swear to God, I didn't know you guys would be here. And the good news is you don't even believe in soulmates, so... I believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife. They're just talking. And, you know, just because I think they're soulmates doesn't mean anything's gonna happen. Phoebe, good work. Yeah? I'm just afraid I love him. Don't worry, we'll find you someone else. So I've been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the, um, cheese side of things. Cheese, you say? That's some pretty smelly work, huh, Doc? Excuse me? Cheese. It's smelly. You must smell a lot of the time, too. Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I'm one of those people who thinks the smellier the better. Me, too. Yeah, Chandler can't stand it. He won't even allow me to have blue cheese in the house. And you're still married to him? I'd like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn't that be nice? Sure, why don't you set it up? I'll just be over here browsing through the personals. Are you okay? You've been acting weird all afternoon. Yeah, fine, fine. Not perfect, but good enough. Cheese, what is with you? I'm sorry? Did you say cheese? What's going on? Phoebe thinks that you and Don are soulmates. And I don't believe in that kind of stuff, but then you two totally get along. So, look, I won't stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese. Chandler, you don't believe in soulmates? No, but I'm sure tomatoes does. There was a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the Earth was flat. And up until, like, what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing until you split it open and this, like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this? There might be a teeny tiny possibility. I can't believe you caved. You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. But... How are you going to go into work tomorrow? How are you going to face the other science guys? How are you going to face yourself? That was fun. So who's hungry? Hey. Hey. I was just going to get something to eat. You want something? What you got? Okay, let's see. We got strained peas, strained carrots, ooh, strained plums. We haven't tried that yet. Goodie! Thanks. So, how is it living with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great food. I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just... It's just weird what's happening with her and Ross. Yesterday, he asked me to fix him up with somebody. Oh, my God. Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her, too. Why are they doing this? I don't know. They're so perfect for each other. It's crazy. You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here? I just wish they'd realize they should be together. I know, I know. And when they move back in together, I figure, you know, that's where things are headed. I know. They should be a family. They should get married and have more children. Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids. Someone's got to carry on the family name. You know what? Maybe once they start dating and they see what's out there, they'll realize how good they are for each other. Yeah, because it is slim pickings. Yeah. You know? I had this date last night. Yuck! But we should probably keep it down. She's still in the bedroom. What are we gonna do? What, are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people? I know, that just pushes them further and further apart. Yeah. Oh, I know what we can do. We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates so that they'll realize how good they are together. Ooh, that's a great plan. Yeah, you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my plan laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, shh! Not so loud. We don't want to wake up, uh... Okay, Chandler. Okay. And your horoscope says, on the fifth, a special someone is going to give you a gift. Oh, well, thank you in advance. Oh, but the twelfth brings a lover's spat. You're going to make a joke about my special present. Why would you do that? Oh, wait, and on the nineteenth, a secret crush announces itself. Hey, guys. Hey! Oh, my God, it's Joey Tribbiani of Mac and Cheese! Oh, that's right, it's your first day. So, are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick? Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? I've dreamed about this for years. Why have I not been preparing? No, Joey, you're going to be great. But I got to act with a robot, Pheebs, and I don't know anything about technology. I can't even use Chandler's computer to find porn. And that's only because it's right there when you turn it on. I think our lover's spat will start a little early this month. I'll be waiting. You're so threatened by me. Oh, I'm threatened by you? That's it, get in here, come on. My God, you guys. I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building, and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it! Yeah, Susan. Don't make me do this again. I don't like my voice like this. Okay, who wants to hear something ironic? Help! I'm having a baby in here! Help! Okay, everyone stand back. What are you going to do, suck the door open? Help! When they found their bodies the very next day La la la la la la Damn it, damn it, damn it! This is all your fault. This is supposed to be like the greatest day of my life. You know, my son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead I'm stuck in a closet with you. The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have. No, no, believe me, no one has been waiting for this as much as I have, okay? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay? Where does that leave me? You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are, and who am I? There's Father's Day, there's Mother's Day, there's no Lesbian Lover Day. Every day is Lesbian Lover Day. This is so great. You want to explain that? I mean, well, because when I was growing up, you know, my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has, like, three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most, and it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. I'm sorry, you were fighting. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben to the rescue! Ben, you ready? Yeah. Alright, give me your foot. Okay, on three, Ben. One, two, three! Come on, Ben. Okay. That's it, Ben. Okay. What do you see? Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent. Babes! It's open! It's open! Wait! You forgot your legs! Hey, guys. Joey, come here. Come here. What? Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler. You mean how they're friends and nothing more? Joey, she knows. We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window. Okay, so now they know you know and they don't know that Rachel knows? Yes. But you know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now enough of us know that we can just tell them we know. Now all the lying and the secrets will finally be over. Or we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own. Hello? Oh, yeah. Hey, hold on a second. She's right here. It's Chandler. Oh. Hello, you. Hello, Phoebe. I've been thinking about you all day. Huh? Well, you know that thing you said before. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued. Really? Yeah, listen, Joey's not going to be here tonight, so why don't you come over and I'll let you feel my bicep. Or maybe more. I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye. Come over and feel his bicep and more. Are you kidding? Oh, I cannot believe he would do that to Monica. Joey, do they know that we know? No. Joey? They know you know. Oh, I knew it. Oh, I cannot believe those two. They thought that they could mess with us? They're trying to mess with us? They don't know that we know they know we know. Joey, you can't say anything. If I wanted to. Okay, so when you're done with your tea, I'll look at the leaves and tell you your fortune. I didn't know you read tea leaves. Oh, yeah, I've done it for years. I actually stopped because I was so accurate. You know, and one of the great joys of life is its wondrous unpredictability, you know. And also tea tends to give me the trots. Okay, I'm done. Read mine. Okay. Ooh, I see a ladder. Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death. I'm the head chef. I can't get promoted. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Who's next? Okay, I'm done. Do mine. Okay. Oh. Okay, I see a circle. Oh, which can either mean you're having a baby or you're going to make a scientific discovery. Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab. What does yours say, Pheebs? Wow, all right. Wow, yay! Oh, I'm going to meet a guy. And really soon. And he's going to be the man of my dreams. Probably not the guy I had a dream about last night. Oh, wait a second, you guys. For the last couple of weeks, I've been seeing that guy everywhere I go. We take the same bus, we go to the same bookstore, same dry cleaner. Maybe he's the tea guy. Pheebs, did you see that? He totally checked you out and he is so cute. Mine is a picture of the village people. What does that mean? Hello? Hey. I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is so... I don't want to hear about... Oh, Pheebs, you know you're still my number one girl. Emergency, okay? Rachel's coming to London. Oh, great. No, it's great. No, she's coming to tell Ross that she loves him. But he loves Emily. I know that. You have to stop her. She's going to ruin the wedding. Okay. Okay, so I've done my part, okay? It's your responsibility now. The burden is off me, right? Right. So tell me about this girl. I love the beginning parts of relationships, you know? You just can't keep your hands off each other. I know. It is the best. Oh, God. So how long did that last for you and Chandler? It's still going on. Come on, seriously. When did it end? I am serious. I mean, we're all over each other all the time. Okay. Well, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious. Why don't you just calm down, Phoebe, all right? Why don't you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that, you know, you're the only hot couple? God, I woke the beast. I was wrong, obviously. I just... I misspoke. It's okay. It is okay. As long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery. I mean, just as hot as you. I mean, our flame... Whoo! It is on fire! Hey, Monica, here's your broom back. You are so cute. Hey, so, uh, did everything go okay with the annulment? Oh, yeah. No problems. It's all taken care of. Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie? Oh, yeah. Why not? I'm gonna get my sweater. Okay. You wanna hear something weird? Always. I didn't get the annulment. What? We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. I'll see you later. Hey, do you have any gum? Oh, Ross, can I just talk to you for just a second? Oh, but Phoebe, we're gonna be late for the movie. Oh, there's a cab. Taxi! Oh, there you go. We're actually just gonna walk, because it's right up there at the Angelica. Oh, the Angelica! Go, go! You didn't get the annulment? I know. Ross! Well, I tried. But when I got to my lawyer's office, all I could hear was, three divorces, three divorces! Look, I just don't want my tombstone to read, Ross Geller, three divorces. Don't be worried about that. Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say. It can say, Ross Geller, good at marriage. You know? Mine's gonna say, Phoebe Buffay, buried alive. The thing, though, is I can't have another failed marriage. So, okay, what? You're gonna be married to a girl who doesn't even know about it? Oh, woman, sorry! Okay, so I don't have it all worked out quite yet. Just don't, don't say anything to Rachel, please. Rachel is one of my closest friends. Although, being the only one that knows about this does make me feel special. Okay. Phoebe! Hey, Rach! What was that? Sorry, mix-up. It was a movie. I haven't seen it yet. Uh-oh. Then you better hurry. The Angelica, go, go! Bye, bye. Oh, no. So, did you get the annulment? I couldn't. I knew it, because you love Rachel. It's not that, okay? Annulments are more complicated than I... They're complicated because of the love. I do not love Rachel. I'm gonna tell her right now about the whole thing so we can get this marriage annulled as fast as possible. Okay, would I do that if I loved her? I've never been more convinced of your love for her. I do not have feelings for Rachel, okay? Oh, what's wrong? Monica and Chandler are really moving in here and I have to move out and everything is changing. Oh, my God. Come here, come here. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay. Thank you. Of course. Hey, Phoebe? Fatty? Hey, Chandler, why so fancy? Well, I got a job interview. It's kind of a big deal, too. It's a lot more money and I'd be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring. Wait, I think I know someone who does that. Me, I do that. So, seriously, do I look okay? I'm a little nervous. Oh, yeah, you really, you look great. You know, just don't get your hopes up. Why not? Well, the interview. What about it? You know. You don't make a very good first impression. What? Oh, you don't know. Are you serious? Yes, when I first met you, you were like, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like, shh. What is it that I do? Well, it's just like you're trying too hard, always making jokes, you know? You just, you come off a little needy. Sorry, Pheebs. I guess I'm just really sad that I'm leaving. I'm gonna miss you so much. Well, this doesn't have to be so sad, though, you know? Maybe instead of just thinking about how much you're gonna miss each other, you should, like, think about some of the things that you're not gonna miss. I don't think there's anything. Come on, there's gotta be something. She's perfect. I have one. What? Great, okay, you can go first. Well, I guess I'm not gonna miss the fact that you're never allowed to move the phone pen. That's a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? You know, does Rachel move the phone pen? Odd sometimes. Always, actually. Okay, good, there you go. Doesn't everyone feel better? Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages. You get your messages? Yeah, well, I don't think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you've fallen asleep on the couch. So you missed a message from who? Chandler? Or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom? Great, it worked. No one's sad. This shouldn't happen on anniversary ever. Oh, good, all right, you decided to tell him about the Richard thing. What Richard thing? Oh, no. What Richard thing? Simmons, go with Simmons. Okay, I, um, I ran into Richard yesterday and he asked me if I wanted to go for a bite and I did. And the only reason why I didn't tell you is because I knew you'd get mad and I didn't want to spoil our anniversary. I'm not mad. Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so you bumped into Richard, you grabbed a bite. No big deal. Great. Okay, Lendon won. All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive, built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS. Wow, what are you gonna use it for? Games and stuff. There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me. Oh, wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked? And for a naked chef? No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... Hi. Hey. Oh, so, um, how'd you make out last night? That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait, wait. Yeah, that's just painful. Wait a minute. I thought last night was, was great. Yeah, it was. But I get home, okay, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table, and I'm thinking to myself, oh, my God, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am. I'm with Julie, this incredible great woman who I care about and, and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away? You got all that from saline solution? Wait a minute. We're talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel. Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for, like, ten years now, but now I'm with Julie. You know, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel. Me and Julie, me and Ra... Rachel. Hey, you. How are you? Good. How are you? Good. Hi, honey. Hi, Julie. Hi. Julie! Um, how are you? Good. So everybody's here. Everybody's good. So were you gonna play something, Phoebe? No. Well, actually... Play it. Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses. What? Shh. Okay. Um, hi. Hello. Hi. Okay. So, um, this is a song, um, about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, Two of Them Kissed Last Night. There was a girl we'll call her Betty and a guy let's call him Neal. Now, I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neal must decide who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly or will it be the one who we'll call Lululee? He must decide. Even though I made him up, he must decide.