Mo Gilligan Stand-up | Every Family In A Nutshell | Mo Gilligan: Momentum

I always felt like I get my comedy, like, from my mum's side of my family. You know, my mum's a very bubbly, humorous person as well, you know. Actually, are there any mums in tonight? Any mums? Yeah? Finished the school run, boy? Go on, fucking go play. But I'll be honest, while I'm here, yeah, some mums are dickheads, innit? Some mums are dickheads. Look at that one mum right now. I'm a dickhead? Okay, this will be on TripAdvisor. How about that? How about that for a dickhead? No, no. But what it is, yeah, growing up, mums used to do dickhead things. Every mum done dickhead things. You don't even know. Look at some mums now. Oh, well, tell us. Well, tell us. What about giving birth? Was that a dickhead thing? But like, for example, I remember when I was a kid, right? And you know what it's like when you had to go, like, shopping with your mum? Because my mum would always do, like, a small midweek shop, right? And the thing is, when you go shopping with your mum, you always want things as well. Every person in here has always sneaked items in the basket. We've all done that. Remember sneaking some items in a basket? You just throw something in, you know? But sometimes it was genuine things that you wanted in this basket. Healthy options, you know? I remember, you remember, like, those small selections of cereal? Do you guys remember those? Yeah? Yeah? You know, like, you'd pick them up, yeah? You'd do that classic mum call when you wanted something when you was a kid. You'd be like, mum. Mama. Can we, mum? Please, can we? And this is what I say, yeah? Growing up, yeah? My mum was a Champions League dickhead. Do you know why, yeah? Do you know why? My mum didn't even look at the item. You know how your mum doesn't even look at it? No, no, no. You can put that right back, mister. Oh, fucking hell, this dickhead woman, man. Fucking hell, man. Dickhead, man. Look at you, man. Your fat ankles change shit, man. Everyone's mum's got fat ankles. Don't try it, bro. No, not my mum. No, your mum's got the cankles as well, innit? Because the thing is, you see, now, you can laugh at these moments, yeah? Like, the thing is, there's nothing better than sharing nostalgia with friends, you know? When you... Especially, like, now as an adult. Because at the time, it wasn't all fun. Like, getting beats, it wasn't fun. But you can laugh at it now. Like, you can laugh at it now, reminisce. Like, I remember getting to that weird stage where my mum would beat me and it didn't hurt anymore. So I had to still pretend like it still hurt. Ouch! Get out of my room, man. Your fat ankles, man. Get out, baby. My mum got smart, though. Started upgrading. Mum started using weapons. What? I'd get a belt. I thought everyone was getting the belt as their weapon of choice. I thought this. I had one friend tell me recently, So what? So what? You didn't get the wire from the neck curtain. What? The wire from the neck curtain? Do you know how much effort it is to take down a neck curtain wire? You've got to take out that one little stupid hole, the other stupid hole. You're trying to pull it out. The hook's getting caught on the neck. Whole neighbour can see you getting beats as well, you know? Mum's doing insanity just to discipline you. I was at that age, my mum would just ground me for anything. Just anything. Sometimes she'd just walk in the house being pissed off. Grounded. No reason. No explanation. Remember hearing that word grounded? Just being stressed. Oh my gosh, mum. Oh my gosh, man. Do you remember that small rage you used to get? Oh my gosh, mum. Do you remember trying to explain to your mum? When your mum is just not having it. Oh my gosh, mum. No, mum. What I'm saying is, you know what? No, mum. I'm saying I'm not shying you. I'm just trying to say what I'm saying. But you know what I'm saying. Oh my gosh. No, mum, please. Oh, I had to remix all my swear words. Oh, ship, man. Bucking hell, man. Mum, I said bucking hell, mum. It's like Buckingham Palace, but it's in hell. Oh my God. Mum, I'm not swearing. I was... Oh, whatever, man. This finger doesn't even mean anything, mum. I'm pointing to Jesus, mum. That's where he lives, in heaven. What do you... Oh my... Do you remember that cry when your soul wanted to come out, but your body said no? Do you remember that cry? Do you remember talking and crying? Hey, hey. Do you remember saying twisted stuff about your family? I hope Satan takes my mum tomorrow. And the demons can take my family away. Why did he do this to me? Dumb, I was growing up, yeah? We lived on a ground floor flat, yeah? Once, I stood in a window, I was like... I'm gonna jump. You know, the coroner would have been like, how did he die? Hey, fever. Best case ever. Best case. Because, you know, you can imagine, right? My mum, she was single-parent. She used to work at my school, right? So my mum will work Monday to Friday. Saturday, this is primetime playing out time. This is also my mum's weekly lie-in. So this is the only chance I can try and get a bit of pocket money. Because my mum's sedated, technically. She's kind of sedated, yeah? So I'll be walking up to my mum's room. Now, my mum had this dark, dark room. It was so dark. It was like something out of a horror film, you know? I'd approach my mum's door. I could hear the souls of all the kids around the world that never got any pocket money. Fuck, fuck. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I'd get my classic mum call on to see if she was awake. Mum. And I'd get my speech prepared. Mum, I'm awfully sorry to bother you on this sombre morning. I just wanted a small possibility I can quickly play out with my friends. You tell your mum about all the chores you've already completed to help your application. Mum, so I've done all the chores. I've washed the dishes. I've hoovered the stairs. I painted the roof as well. I know we live in a flat, but I achieved it somehow. Then you get your price plan structure ready of how much money you want to try and get out of your mum. Mum, so I just wanted a small possibility I can have, like, £1 or £6. Tell her to quickly play out with my friends. Then everybody's mum would wake up, but you knew your mum was really woken up, because she'd always swear, you know. Your mum would be like... This fucking child! Then everyone's mum would say this classic line... Go and get my bag. Mum, I don't know where your bag is, mum. Right now, your mum is absolutely fuming. Do you know why? Because your mum has to get up out of bed. Your mum is so angry. She's so enraged. She just gets up so quick. She's not thinking. Don't forget, you know, your mum goes to bed with, like, that loose nightie top. Sometimes she'll get up too quick. That one loose breast will just pop out on the way. Guys, remember you couldn't look at your mum's loose breast? Remember that awkward interaction? Mum, mum. Mum. Mum, your tit... Mum, your titty is out. Your titty is out. Your mum doesn't even care at this point. Your mum's been woken up. What? This tit? This fucking tit used to suck on this tit. You know what's funny? My mum's here tonight, you know. The funny thing is my mum's never seen that joke before, you know. I know my mum's gonna be like... Mum's gonna be like, why did you talk about my tits? Why did you have to talk about my tits? I'm like, mum, you're not even African. Why are you speaking like that? What are you doing, bro? No, but I've always got a big on my mum, you know. Because my mum, she was a single parent. She raised me and my two older sisters as well. And that's a hard job for anyone, you know. So I've always got a big on my mum. But the problem was, is having two older sisters. I really wanted two older brothers, you know. Because I lived on a big estate, you know. When you live on an estate, you know, you want some protection. Because you remember that kid who had two older brothers? You're like, what? You're picking on me? I'll get my brother. I couldn't do that with my sisters. All my sisters could do was plait hair and dance. That's all they could do. They'll come out, who's picking on my brother? Who's picking on my brother? I'm like, shit, here we go, bruv. You got served, bruv.