Turning Parent-Teen Stress Into Parent-Teen Success | Neil D Brown | TEDxsalinas

Transcriber's Name Reviewer's Name What would you think if you came to see a therapist like me to talk about an issue in your family and I told you the problem is you have a beast in your family? You'd think I was crazy, right? Well, let me share my story and then tell me what you think. If you're a parent and particularly if your kids are now teenagers you may very well be hosting a house guest you never dreamed of. A truly beastly character and no, it's not your teenager I'm talking about. It's worse than Jabba the Hutt. More destructive than Godzilla. And I call this beast the parent-teen control battle. Parents, when you first decided to have kids were you thinking, wow, wouldn't it be great to have a teenager to put on restriction? I can't wait for my teenager to be old enough so I can take his computer privileges away. I think fighting with my daughter to get off of social media and get going on her homework will be so rewarding. No, of course not. That's ridiculous. You start with the idea of loving and playing with and teaching your children and believe if you love your children enough they will be happy, easy to raise kids and teenagers who will become happy, successful adults. And yet, with all these good intentions and so much effort the experience of adolescence will throw many parents and teenagers for a loop. What makes adolescence such a game changer anyway? And is there a way to bypass all the conflict and pain? Well, once we know what we're up against I'll be able to show you the two essential steps necessary to address that question. But first, some background. Adolescence is that transitional time between childhood and young adulthood. Teenagers are learning to become their own persons able to function independently from their parents. It's truly an amazing time of metamorphosis kids are opening up their wings and learning to fly. What's important for parents and teens as kids travel through their adolescence is to gradually shift the relationship from one of strict teen accountability to their parents to teen accountability and responsibility for themselves. In this way, kids learn and grow towards their independence. It's not a smooth or easy journey for most kids. But the ups and downs, those stormy parts they're all part of the learning that makes up this journey. Complicating this journey even further are the physiological and neurological changes taking place which profoundly affect how kids think, feel, and act. Often, the people our teenagers have become can be so different that they're almost unrecognizable to their parents. So, it's not unreasonable to expect that this will be a challenging time for our kids and us, their beleaguered parents the folks who are often taking the hits as our kids move away from us towards their inevitable and desirable emancipation. Well, all this is fine, never easy of course but we hang in there. We read a couple of books on adolescence because our kids don't come with instructions and we manage our anxiety. And sometimes our kids travel through their teen years and things work out pretty well. Never perfectly of course but reasonably well, yes. And yet, because of the unique challenges that adolescence presents many parents and teenagers will find themselves locked in a chronic struggle. A struggle I've termed the parent-teen control battle. No, this isn't that occasional event where parents and teens clash. It's a repeating pattern of interaction that has come to define the relationship. A pattern where kids are continually avoiding responsibilities or engaging unhealthy or destructive behavior and parents are continually attempting to get kids to manage their responsibilities stop destructive behavior and engage healthy ones. You see, relationship patterns have momentum and even though they are invisible they're powerful and enduring. Much more so than we are aware. So when the relationship pattern between parents and teens becomes a control battle all the parents love, all their good intentions will be undermined by this beast. These battles take place over serious issues such as substance abuse or kids not coming home at night. They take place over homework or getting off the internet or just making messes. Battles can be various combinations of loud and high conflict or soft and silent and avoidant. The common thread is that any engagement will feel stressful and it will be unproductive. Parents' attempts to create a change in teen behavior will be met with resistance and any improvement will be at best short-lived. Things that should be simple will now be difficult. Things that should be easy will be maybe impossible. Once there is a beast in the family it must be starved out to get things back on track. Let me tell you about a dad who came to see me in my office to talk with me about his 14-year-old son Bo. He said Bo was not applying himself in school and they struggled getting him to do his homework every night and even then he was barely passing. He had been caught smoking weed and there were very concerns about the kinds of kids that he was now hanging out with. Mom and dad tried various consequences taking his phone away. Of course then they couldn't reach him. Taking his computer privileges away but nothing made any real change. They even backed off to see if that would help. But Bo didn't seem to care and then if they just let him fail well then where would they be? Dad was very concerned. He knew Bo was such a great kid at heart but he knew he was going down the wrong road and in trying to help him he felt stuck. He could push, punish, fight and argue and maybe keep Bo afloat or back off and watch him fail. Here's an example of the kinds of conversations that went on at home. Dad would say Bo, quit playing your games and get going on your homework. I don't have any homework. I did it all at school. Well what about those missing assignments on Infinite Campus? Well Mr. K said I shouldn't worry about those. I should just study for the test. Well I don't agree with that. If you have assignments you need to do them and you're not studying for the test. The test isn't until Friday. I've got plenty of time. Quit playing now and get off the computer or I'm taking it away. Why are you being all like that? I'm playing with my friends. If I stop now it wrecks the game for everybody. Well Dad didn't want to be the guy who wrecks the game for everybody so he said okay a half an hour more but that's it. Well this had become their relationship. Dad trying to get Bo to do what Bo needs to do and Bo fighting his father, avoiding responsibility and doing what's exciting and fun. Dad said when Bo was little he was an active, cooperative and really positive kid. He was a friendly. He was athletic. He was a good helper. Everybody loved him. Dad confided that when he himself was a kid his older brother had gotten into drugs and that became a problem that plagued him all the way into his adult years. He didn't want that for Bo. Dad was scared and he was confused. He and his wife had been so loving and positive with Bo. It was nothing like the angry household he grew up in. What went wrong? Well Dad didn't realize it but he and Bo were in the clutches of the beast and I saw it and I knew what they needed to do to turn things around. And like I said earlier there are only two but two very essential things we need to do to make a big shift and starve the beast. Number one reclaim a healthy vision of your kid. Right now the beast has a picture in Dad's head of Bo going down the wrong road and ending up like his uncle. Dad, give yourself permission to remember those wonderful qualities you know and love about Bo. Your kid needs to know that even though he's not where he needs to be right now that his dad believes in him. And here's something we all need to remember. Many if not most teenagers struggle with their self-esteem. Often they forget that they can be successful now or in the future. If we lose faith in them and in their adolescent journey they'll lose faith in themselves and in us. Dad needs to remember and focus on what a terrific kid Bo really is and make sure he conveys it to him authentically with his manner and with his tone and with his words. The second thing that Dad needs to do is stop trying to change and control Bo. Why? Because changing and controlling Bo is Bo's job. Dad needs to stop giving consequences for what Bo does wrong and offer him privileges if and when he earns them. And how does Bo earn them? He does two things. He has a good attitude demonstrating respect for and cooperation with his parents. And second, he manages responsibilities with his best effort. Bo doesn't need to be perfect. He needs to own his responsibilities. He needs to show up and do his best. Let's think about this. Dad had things upside down. He was holding and communicating a negative vision of Bo and Bo had privileges he clearly hadn't earned. When we take these two essential steps, number one we make it clear that we believe in our kids and we're on their side. And number two, that we're happy for them to have plenty of privileges as long as they earn them. And we hold to that. Our kids will make a big shift and the beast will be nowhere to be found. So parents, is there a beastly house guest in your home? If not, great job. Keep it up. If there is, don't worry. You've got exactly what your kid needs. The courage to believe in them and to expect their best. And when you do, your innately fabulous kid will learn, grow, and thrive. And family life, well family life without the beast that is, can be exactly what you hoped for all along.