Healing the Hurt He Left Behind: Daddy Issues & Inner Strength

hello and welcome my name is Edna white I am a life coach I am an author and also a motivational speaker but I'm also in front of you today to tell you my story I want to tell you about what I experience as being a fatherless woman now being a fatherless child I really didn't understand it right and I I kind of um perceive things differently as as a child you know I knew my dad wasn't there and I had all these stories which weren't true and all this other stuff and I really couldn't decipher it but as a woman um I'm seeing things differently so I want to talk to you about my faith f being fatherless fatherlessness and all the emotional healing that had to take place my journey um with without being a father and trying to understand where my father was I would always ask my mother Mom where's my dad and he one time she told me he was you know um he died in Vietnam you know in a war then the second time I asked again she said he doesn't want to have nothing to do with you and then when I got married um and I didn't want to get married my mom was kind of like forcing me to get married because I had a baby a wedlock and let me just say this I'm revealing most of this stuff is because I'm not saying anybody's wrong I just believe that people do things in in their own trauma that they think is right and that's what my mom was doing you know so what I'm saying to you on both parts of this is that it's important to recognize reveal and then refrain recognize reveal and then re refrain you no one gets fault when that happens you know but you you learn lessons so when I got pregnant because again I wasn't taught about sex but that's another one another issue all together and so I didn't know it was happening and it happened and there you go so my mom wanted me to marry the child's father which is my which my children's father per presently and I didn't want to be married cuz I I felt like I had all these things to do and you know and go through and all this stuff because I wanted to get out of town I wanted to get out and get out of the the rut that I was in because have being a child of childhood trauma no one really understood the need to get out and get safe so I figured I was going to do that but anyway my mom said no and so when I started to get married and and she wanted me to get married and we had to get this paper signed by my dad and it came back me back to me you know mail back to my mother and she didn't show it to me and I was like oh where's that paper she didn't think anything about it I guess she just like kind of brushed me off but I went to go look for it and love and behold it was my dad scratched out everything and so and said she's too young and he signed his name and I'm like wait what alive and so thus started my journey at you know I didn't pay any attention when I was that young you know but I was 27 the first time I went to go visit him because no one could tell me where he was what was going on and that brought about a dri a a a rift between my mother and I even more we had stuff going on then but even more we were ripped apart so the journey for me was aif significant one and it was it was part of my life because when I was at 27 I I was going through men like it was crazy you know and not even getting to the first base it was really like I didn't want to be bothered because I was aggravated most of the time because I didn't trust them you know and then if they were too kind I still didn't trust them so my daddy issues were big and blazing okay and not until I got older when I started to visit him more often um and be able to recognize that everybody has their issues and their things and if there they're not fixing them all they're doing is is is is recycling them through us and I had to stop you know um a lot of things I had to stop a lot of things but in that time I knew what I was missing in the from 27 like 32 I knew what I was missing you know the safeness that I I I was supposed to have the compan companionship of the camaraderie and the love of a father speaking good things into you you know saying great things to you being the first man that ever said anything lovely to you I missed all of that and somehow I was very empty um and you know I thought myself that hey I am not going to be like this I can get over this this doesn't mean anything well it means something when it comes to the emotional life and your behavioral life it means a whole lot I was tricked and duped on that as well but here is my journey that it starts to get a lot muddy muddier and a lot clearer at the same time at that very same time after learning about my dad I was 18 and although I would had gone to church before before and been involved with church before my mom really thought I was too young to be involved that's steeply into church right so when I got 18 I needed to belong to something or someone or some place some safety and I entered into religion and that's where I found this space now to be something and have a father figure that can take me not only from this world but to the next World and that's what religion in my prior knowledge in my knowledge now not prior but in my knowledge now that's what religion was for me it was a place that I found safety and I found camaraderie or so I thought and someone who was a father figure that could give me that safety here and then take me to a place that I don't even know where it is but take me there that's what I I received that was the behavioral impact and the emotionalness was that now I have somebody I can call my own you know now I have somebody who can call my spiritual Father which was not even right because God is really the spiritual father so I didn't know any better better and I you know so that's a different story Al together so religion became that for me and as as I'm moving through religion right 29 years I'm not learning anything I'm being told that I you know I'm not taught how to manage money fathers do I'm not taught that you you need to get out there and fly and spread your wings and enjoy things I'm not taught that I'm not taught you need to date this is how you date wasn't do that um I I didn't get the opportunity to have friends and be able to talk about you know to my father about my friends and what they were doing I didn't get that I didn't have that all the things that the father my father or not having a father should have taught me religion still didn't teach me looking back on it it didn't teach me anything all it did for me was have me walking in place like the Israelites 40 years around and around and not finding what was already within now you can't change that you're you're fatherless and you can't change that you're motherless but what you can do is be able to cope and navigate those things and educate yourself because you have the capabilities of being able to do that and I didn't learn this until later on in life that I could reparent myself what is it that I was missing those things that I was missing I did not think about because I thought that I you know the same things that let me tell you the same things that I didn't get with with being fatherless the same thing I found in in religion nothing the worst thing was when I when I chose to have because I didn't have a father I found a father within the church the worst thing that happened is every time someone hurt me it felt doubly hard why because they were responsible for my physical life the personal life that I had and my spiritual life and it hurt me even more so compounded regret anguish wanting to fly and be an adult in this setting that is obscure and out of order of God entirely I was again now fatherless so now I'm in this position now that I am fatherless yet again in at an older age between the ages of 18 to about in my 18 until about my late 30s like 40s okay so now I'm in that space okay and the the most disappointing was and it has it's again it's not any fault of anybody else anybody but when I knew that I needed to fly I need to get out I need to in my for is I needed to fly I couldn't and I had to ask to be let go because I was responsible for so much in the church and I needed to be released because there's a saying that they say once you're in the church you cannot do anything else that didn't make any sense at all it it's just not what God intended man intends that but not God and I had to study to show myself approved that mean I had to study the Bible I had to study myself I had to study the world I had to do those things in order to say what's good for Edna what spiritual realm what spiritualism what relationship with God is good for Edna how do I interpret Jesus how do I interpret the Bible how do I do all those things for me not for anyone else but for me so being fatherless but all these emotional all this emotional baggage along with me out of the church I had it on in the church and I had it out of the church so I had to take off this baggage and I had to unpack it and get down to the fatherlessness which I just explained to you so the purpose of this and the objective of this talk here is to shed light on the emotional and the behavioral impacts of growing up without a father particularly from the perspective of me as a woman who turn to religion for Soulless the discussion that we're going to explore is going to probably bring up some emotional turmoil which probably did for me when I was experiencing it but it's all due to fatherlessness and how religion will impact that and how strong you will be drawn to that because of that fatherlessness while it was initially supposed to be providing comfort and ultimately fell short in preparing ing me for the real world challenges see hiding in church and being in behind those walls and doing those things with only those church people or these type of people did not prepare me to be diverse and inclusive did not expand my horizons to learn new words new verbage new you know new lands new tra travel did not prepare me for that did not prepare me emotionally when somebody said no to me when somebody said yes to me when somebody liked me when somebody didn't like me when somebody gave me you know flowers when someone just appreciated me or when somebody just couldn't stand me it didn't prepare me emotionally for any of that so by sharing my journey today I hope to aim at highlighting the importance of integrating emotional intelligence and practical coping skills with your spiritual belief for holistic personal growth I and I'm just putting the disclaimer out this you don't have to listen to me you don't even have to watch me but I will tell you you're going to be more enlightened you're going to unwrap some things within yourself that when you find out what fatherlessness has done to you and how why you beh behaving the way you are now things will change so what is the emotional impact of the father's absence one it's feeling of of Abandonment and low self-esteem for me the I had low self-esteem even as being a model even and I look back at all my jobs all my jobs were Perfecto they were the best jobs ever but I didn't feel worthy of them I didn't even appreciate them and when I did get involved in in in a relationship male female any other um you know just having friends I often felt abandoned and I had to give the ultimatum hey you can't be their friend if you're my friend was the craziest thing and you know that saying I'm a loner that's just the ego hiding the fact that you feel abandoned and you have low self-esteem then there's trust issues and relationship challenges fatherlessness often leads to difficulty in forming and maintaining healthy relationships and that's romantic as well as familial and as well as friendship period you will have challenges because you will have feelings of you're going to be abandoned you're going to you're going to have feelings that go along with what you know those issues you're going to have feelings you're going to struggle with it you're going to struggle to trust people and you're going to have that constant fear of being abandoned you're always going to challenge everything they're going to say you're always going to pretend to be something that you're not you're always not going to be a S three the need for validation the incessant need to for external validation you know I see this a lot and I talk to people a lot you know um you know you know and my clients especially one of them is always getting Awards always taking classes always doing this oh what when are you going to settle down and do one thing when are you going to do when is when are you going to maximize one of those certificates or degrees to the ability that you got it for Need for validation 15 different things that we're doing I used to do it I know I I I I I I know about it I used to do it you know 15 different things I'm this I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm this I'm all over Place need for validation there's no such as Master jack of all trades master of none I want to master one thing at least and be good at that and not be all these other things at one time because although they your skills in your education you're good at one thing and if you're biblical H there some preachers some teachers didn't say everybody you know it's said some preachers some teachers some Elders says all that right it brings the names down so you got to think about that right validation this manifest by seeking approval from peers authority figures and romantic Partners not being yourself you become somebody else you put on a facade on Sundays because you want to impress everyone at church and then on Monday through Saturday is a different person putting on a facade you know you want to get dressed up put on makeup and show your body all on Facebook you want to look how great you look that's validation need for validation you know that's why most people get involved with you know doing their body over always time doing their body over over and over and over and over validation need for validation and then the fourth is your emotional dependence on religion your emotional dependence on doing something that connects you to what you think the connection of the spirit is I did that I just told you 29 years and I just filled in the gap for you on how religion stepped in to fill the emotional gaps that left my me uh has a father who who was absent to me 29 years think of this now I'm you know I'm 27 when I meet him right only spent three years until he passed away you know 29 27 28 293 31 yeah four years four years okay passed away right and then I spent 29 years in church feeling trying to fill that Gap and still did wasn't able to see it was the initial comfort that I was seeking and the sense the sense of belonging that religion provided but then didn't give me any emotional or behavioral balance and in no personal growth whatsoever no personal growth didn't give me any the emotional turmoil of growing up without a father for me and we're going to talk about this just briefly because I'm running out of time but here's what the emotional turmoil of growing up without a father I've experienced um again we we I you know I experience the feeling of Abandonment all the time you know and we we we felt these things we really really you know um didn't know what they were because we trying trying to fill the emotional void you know and we turned to to religion or something that really made us had a connection right but it made us really void in the emotional part of it now I'm going to share with you what the behavioral development did for me my behavior deficits despite the comfort and the structure that religion provided me and my emotional and behavioral challenges they still were there the teachings and the rituals that they offer spiritual soulless but they did not necessarily equip me or any individual that I've spoken with or know with any practical skills needed to navigate the real world and its emotional complexities yeah I know it was an ongoing struggle for me here I am in my 40s not being able to navigate speaking to someone and you wonder why you're afraid to speak you you can't get on camera you can't you're you're doing it every day you're on God's camera every day but to get on a regular camera you can't do that emotional regulation you're up and you're down you're down and you're up you're sideways and you relationship management forget it and your selfworth in the pits right in the pits and the second thing that you're in it's impacted on is reality facing reality you never face reality you never face that you had to do a lot of your work you never face the reality that you never face the fact that if you want something you got to take some steps to get it and the rest draws to you the reality of it that Jesus Christ is gone and he can't come back to give you anything but what he left here as words of encouragement we think he's here we think God's here God's in here reality we never made the transition to what the Bible really meant there Comes A Time in realization that religious faith alone cannot address all our emotional and behavioral needs thus that the the belief that if we go to a therapist we're not strong don't go to a therapist that's witchcraft don't do all those things don't don't read astrology it's Rich witchcraft but if you were to understand and read the Bible it talks about numbers and stuff all the time so why wouldn't you think about or even address or even read about astrology not saying you have to go overboard but you know why wouldn't your mind be open to it because facing reality is part of being locked into that category of religious faith then there the transition that you're supposed to take on it involves acknowledging the limitations relying solely on religion for emotional support and seeking additional tools such as therapy self-help resources or to develop a well-rounded approach to your personal growth when I was involved in religion and I thought if I had a problem I'd go to the office cry it out slobber it stay on the ground roll on the ground you know be in the church sleep in the church and it would go away no 20s something years of that and the trouble still remained cuz I didn't do anything about it I didn't face the reality and I didn't take the transition I'm telling you by understanding these impacts really you can better appreciate the importance of approaching your healing and your personal development without having to depend on religious Faith there's a balance to it all and you can address it you can address the emotional scars because if you keep saying that you know God is good you know even though they're Trea me wrong that's not that's not even a Band-Aid that's just unreal your emotional scars are real for a reason for you to address them and these are emotional scars because you are fatherless and and it also is there to help you force the resilience and become emotionally healthy but you got to do the work you got to face reality you need to do the work and you have to make the transition that the scripture come to life in you that's practical not literal so how did it become an emotional substitute and we already went over this right the comfort and the community the rituals and the rules CU remember we fatherlessness we had no rules we because dads give rules there's no rules no sense of stability no order so the psychology in religion was hey here's a ritual take it here's a rule take it and then you had clear guidance and then you had an expected outcome sometimes it wasn't to your your your your wants but it was an expected outcome right three it was a dependency and religious validation you were validated in religion you were validated you did something good you did the rituals you did the rules you were validated right as a community of leaders and and and community of of our peers we were validated we needed to be approved so religion tied Us in to that and as long as we adhered to the performance and and we adhered to the rituals and the rules we were part of the group for or shortcomings of religion and emotional be behav emotional preparedness see the teachings emphasize spiritual growth over emotional and behavioral development which weren't correct because we're down here in Earth spiritual doesn't need to grow it's straight to God it's it don't have nothing to do we can't do anything with spiritualism we can't do anything with the spirit it's straight to God it's in Us St there it's in there so there's nothing we need to Chine up around it we need to work on it we need to figure it out nothing you have to do what we have to work on is the emotional and our behavioral de development that's where we connect to the world I will tell you that religious Doctrine failed to address real world emotional challenges and behaviors taught me nothing and I I explain this to you taught me nothing and not until I be I again aligned the transition and I didn't take it literal I started taking it inwardly and I started applying practically in my own life spiritual in a spiritual of the higher self did I understand so I don't ask God for things that I can't I can do something about I don't I ask him for things that I can I I can't do anything about and I don't know how to even pray for you know I I and literally I don't really pray for a lot of people I pray for myself that I get it right because I don't know what the other person means prayer see prayer is so misused that I don't even say that word it's so misused because I've heard people pray against other people pray on other people and this mouth all of us have the the power of life and death is in the tongue so what we say and do for other people happens you know spelling spelling Right comes out of your mouth spelling spell comes out of your mouth power again I'm getting on something that I know you guys probably going to say witchcraft yeah uhhuh because power it's in it's in your mouth anyway so we talked about you know the real world you know um challenges now I am coming to a conclusion of it all and in my personal reflection of all this [Music] and it's important to understand that your emotional intelligence really matters and you have to integrate your faith with real world skills faith not religion it's two different things faith not religion with Real World skills I had I learned that when I took off and just left when that went and went to China I had to learn that myself that I was in this world alone I was over there with no one that I knew I had only my passport shop record physical record and if I got sick I was there alone those people there had to help me okay I learned that Real World skills navigating real world situations you have to begin by um you know once to to come out of this you have to begin because it is an abuse it is a way of a trauma so you have to begin to to work with somebody through that you know whether it be a therapist or a coach or self-help re source and I even know someone who is a great guy who is a therapist that has um a a coaching organization directly around you know religious abuse you have to begin to integrate your faith with Real World skills too and emphasize that I I want to EMP emphasize that your emotional and your behavioral development is important and it's very also very important for especially for those who grew up without fathers you have to gain that balance back because when you don't have what God intended for us I have fathers mothers you know caregivers that really care for us fathers and mothers that really care for us you're out of balance and until you get that balance back you're always are going to go through the same struggles so I encouraging you to seek some holistic approach to to personal growth that that includes and not limited to you know defining what your religious faith is what's good for your faith what is it not a religion but a faith what do you believe and I can act truly tell you if I ask 100 people what do you really believe they can't tell me just like they can't tell me who they are who are you they can't tell me they can tell me a bunch of roles and the things that they heard around the corner but they can't tell you who they are and what they believe I hope that I said something today that really helped you that really is going to encourage you to really reflect on your faith you know heal from your fatherlessness and actually get some emotional healing for that and your behavioral healing so that you can become balanced and listen if you need any of this information or you would like you know in-depth report on this or in-depth um PDF on this I can give that to you just remember to put your comments your questions on the bottom of this video and I'll definitely get back to you I hope this is helpful my name is Edna white I am your your life coach your author and also your motivational speaker that can help you get the strategy you need for lasting results bye for now