I Almost Got a DUI at 16 - Comedian Richard Villa - Chocolate Sundaes Stand Up Comedy

So I snuck into this country when I was 10 years old dressed like Dracula. I ---- you not, bro. Look, this is 1988. I'm 10 years old and my uncle and my dad are trying to cross us through this ******* border and they can't through the desert because we'll die. So back then there's no internet, no scanning, no barcodes. It was just ******* a ******* green card in your face. And if the guy had glaucoma, it was your lucky ******* day. You got to get in. My uncle Hugo got these green cards of these two white kids, our age, but did not look like us. Blond haired, blue eyed kids. And my dad's looking at the ID, looking at us, looking at my uncle going, are you stupid, Hugo? Look at my ******* kids. They look like extras in Apocalypto. He's like, no, no, no. On Halloween day, just put on makeup. They won't take it off. That is brilliant. **** you. That is brilliant. We don't celebrate Halloween, but my dad showed up. Mijo, say trick or treat. For what? Say trick or treat for what? He said, now you know English. I know English? Now you know English. I got cocky as ****, man. I'm 10 years old in Mexico going trick or treat, trick or treat. I would tell other kids in school, you know English? No, trick or treat. I have legs, bro. I'm coming to the US. Fat little Mexican dressed like Dracula with huaraches on. Right away, they went to my uncle first. Where are you going? Aqui, little boy. Take him trick or treating. I bring you right back. We never went back. They shine the light at me. What's your name? Trick or treat. Where do you live? Trick or treat. We ended up in Compton, California. Do you know where it's at? Oh, it is gorgeous this time of year. If you have white people, have you been, ma'am? You should go. Oh, it is gorgeous. Do not leave without visiting the watchtowers. It is gorgeous. All we had in Compton was blacks and Latinos back in 1988 and it was beautiful because I would go to the Mexican supermarkets and I would take advantage of this ----. I would grab a six pack of beer at 16. I shouldn't be doing this and I would go and I would go specifically to Mexican supermarkets because the lady would ring it up. Then she would look at me, mijo. Are you illegal to drink the beer? I'd grab the beer, look at her and go, are you legal? Don't say nothing. They're going to get us. And as long as you had exact change, nobody was called. Now I'm 16 years old, drunk out of my ass, driving home and I hear, and I don't know about you, but for me, anytime I hear a siren like my butthole poppers up. Anybody else? I'm assuming. Oh ----. Oh ----. Like I know I'm going to jail. Like my ass knows I'm going to jail and I'm driving. Oh ----. I can taste the leather. Cop showed up to the window. I'm drunk by the way. I'm hammered. I'm 16. I'm hammered. The lower the window. And I'm so delusional, so fucked up that I'm like, **** this cop. I got this. Just lower the window. Just lower the window. ****. That's not the window. Go back. He's right there. Trick or treat. Dragging my ass out of that car. Told me to call my dad, but I didn't want to. It's three in the morning. I'm scared because my dad told me he was going to **** me up and I'm losing it. My anxiety is to this ******* level. I can't even talk. You ever been there? So I told the cop, my dad's going to kill me. That ************ gave me two quarters. Here you go. Call your dad. I called him. Three in the morning. I can't even ******* breathe. And the phone is ringing. My dad picks up. Hello? He thinks it's a pervert. Lucky that the quarters came out. I was like, oh ****. And I had to control myself. Now I'm on the phone. I told him the police got me. You gotta count. I'm fucked up. And he was screaming and yelling. And he's telling me he's going to kill me. And I told the police, I told you he's going to kill me. ****. The cop looked at me. He said, trick or treat. No, I'm waiting. ------- crying. And I see my dad coming. It's all pissed. Oh, you should have seen it. He showed up drunker than me. Now we're both sitting on the sidewalk. I'm crying. He's crying. They got you too, huh? Yeah. Did you say trick or treat? Yeah. Call my mom. She's drunk too.