I Didn't Mean to Be Sober - Comedian DJ Sandhu - Chocolate Sundaes Stand Up Comedy

I am dude, I'm dumb. That's why I don't do politics because I'm stupid. That's my right as an American, by the way. I'm allowed to be dumb. It's the Seventh Amendment. You don't ******* know either. I'm dumb. I do know this, the American government doesn't care about you till they find out how much oil you had. Yo, the American government does not care about you till they find out how much oil you had. We didn't care about Iran or Iraq till we found out how much oil they had. We didn't care about Venezuela. Nobody cared about Diddy. Until we found out how much oil he was sitting on. Like damn, old boy got more Johnson & Johnson than a covid vaccine center. That's weird, man. I will say this, stop asking comedians what we think about political issues. Stop it because you ask us what we think and then you get mad at us about our responses because you don't want to know my opinion. You don't, you don't want me to have an opinion. You want me to have your ******* opinion. Yeah, and then when I don't have the same opinion you have you hit me with the same dismissive bullshit. Why don't you stick to telling jokes? Why don't you stick to accounting, Kevin? Eat a dick. You're allowed to have thoughts because you sit down for it. Let me shut the **** up. Okay, and someone got mad at me for not speaking out against the Tesla's being vandalized. And look, maybe I'm a monster. Maybe I'm cold-hearted, but I just don't care. I don't, I don't care. It's just not a problem. I'm ever going to have, you understand? Like if they start targeting 2010 Corollas, I'll be ******* devastated. But until then light them up. I don't care. I'm trying. I'm trying not to be so dumb. Like I quit drinking. Today is day 397. Don't don't I'd much rather be getting drunk with you right now. Okay, understand this anyone who knows the number of days they've been sober. Is this over on purpose? Okay. That just means there's a whole group chat that existed that I didn't know about. We're getting sober man. There's some cool things that happen when you when you stop drinking. Well, I should say I'm not sober. I stopped drinking. That's an important distinction to make. I mean, I still smoke weed every now and again. I'm not going to raw dog reality like a sociopath. Like I still smoke weed. I quit drinking and there's some cool things to have when you stop drinking. There's some weird things but there's some cool things too, right? Like one of the cool things that happened is the other day I got pulled over and I wasn't scared at all. So that's new to me. Okay. The cop gave me a warning. I felt white. I might move to Huntington. I think I'm allowed now, but there's some weird things to happen when you stop drinking dog. There's some weird things to happen when you start drinking like the other day I paid for something with cash and when I let go of the bill, it didn't automatically roll up in her hand. Okay, you know, I like that joke now, though. There's four cool people in the audience and you guys are ******* nerds. Okay. That's honestly. That's why I still smoke weed every now and again because marijuana never had me up at 6 a.m. Waiting for a second bag of cocaine. See and drugs and alcohol. That's not even really my problem. My problem really is technology. Technology is my problem. Honestly, I'm a victim of it because now everybody has a square reader. You know what I mean? And it used to be you can only do as much drugs as you have cash. Once you're out of cash, you can't do drugs, but now my dealer sitting there like yo, I know that a bag is a hundred but with 2% cash back on Shea Sapphire Reserve, that's $98 man. Plus it's small business Saturday. So you're getting five times bonus miles when you use your Capital One Venture. If you think about it, you're buying the entire eight ball off of miles alone. Dumb.