(LISTENING EDITION) Grief Isn’t the Breakdown—It’s the Reorganization

Grief doesn't end when the funeral does. It changes how you think, decide, trust, and even feel safe in your own life. I'm your host, Edna White, and this is Keeping It Real On Purpose, where we have real conversations about real life and what really actually takes to rebuild after it breaks you. Today, I'm joined by Marcia Earhart, co-founder of the Sterling Rose Sanctuary and the author of Gripping Grace in the Garden of Grief. And we're talking about what grief really does beneath the surface, long after people stop asking, how you doing? Welcome to the show. Thank you, Edna. I am glad to be here today. Oh, that's great. That's great. So I know I'm going to ask you things about your timeline and everything that you've given us, but I want you to introduce yourself to our audience today. Well, I am a child of the King, and I am a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a friend, I'm a sister. I am a life, grief, trauma, brain, mental health coach, a heart sync minister, a mediator, and an author, having written a book that you said, and also a speaker. And I help to bring people back into breathing again, moving again, living again in their creative design through the Sterling Rose Sanctuary, which is a non-profit boots on the ground for the mental crisis that we're having for trauma and grief. Okay. Wow. That's good. So let's get right into it. What is one of the biggest misconceptions people have about grief? I think a lot of people think that once you've experienced a loss, you will never heal, that life will never, ever have color again. Wow. I think people believe that that sentence of death is permanent. When you say sentence of death, what do you really mean by that? Break that down for the audience. Well, it depends. If you've lost a person, if you've experienced the loss of a person, you've experienced the loss of dreams, the loss of finances, the loss of a job, that sentence of death is that this is permanent. And our mind has to, first of all, address the lie that this is not permanent. This is something that we are going to experience ongoing. And so first we've got to deal with what is in our mind, how we're processing that, and how we're framing that. Right. That's good. A lot of people learn, and we're going to go get to your book, a lot of people learn as we write our books. I know I have, you know, as I'm writing books, something that kind of, oh, wow, I learned that, you know? In your writing, The Dripping Grace in the Garden of Grief, what did it force you to confront that you were avoiding? Wow. Okay. I think in my own journey, it forced me to confront the numerous losses that I'd already had up to the point where my son had passed, and then my second son. But it was after our first son passed, tragically, that within that year, the Lord said, I want you to go and count how many deaths, just deaths, in your first 18 years, and I had 17 deaths in my first 18 years. Wow. So I think it forced me, in some sense, to go and evaluate. I wouldn't have ever done that if the Lord hadn't asked me, but the purpose of it was for me to understand that there had already been an equipping. There had already been this process. And my parents were amazing at showing me an example of how to grieve with hope. And I faced that in my own grieving, that hope, because it really did permeate within me from the beginning. How did that get there? Well, it got there from all of those years where I had already been living in and experiencing, and it was becoming a muscle within me to have as I continued. And I didn't even go past 18 years old. And I had several more from 18 to 51 years old when my son passed. Wow. Wow. Wow. That's a lot of experiences. A lot of times when I talk to people about my trauma during my life, I said, there's one thing I did learn is a whole bunch of forgiveness. And when you're constantly going through something, you're starting to grieve all over again. So you start to grieve the loss, just constantly. And a lot of the losses, I didn't even think about that as you're talking about this. I'm like, wow, I didn't even think to think about how many losses I had along the way, even in the trauma that I'm in. So you know, how layered we are, you know? Yeah. And when you ask that question, I have to say tagged on to that. Yeah. I grieve things. I didn't know. I hadn't even had time to step into. I faced that. And I mean, it was a beautiful someone say, how could that be beautiful? But it really was a beautiful journey. And I'm going to tell you what helped me. This is us. That show was so amazing in its framework of grief that I started identifying. We have a biracial family. And I started identifying with every character within that and the different processes of a parent being ill, a parent passing. I mean, I'd already experienced so much of that. And I entered into every single one of those spaces to grieve it out. Wow. It's amazing how the universe kind of lines up and in spaces that you thought you wouldn't have some relief or some growth. You find it. It's so amazing. Just this morning, I was feeling a little bit down, you know, it's only it's only Thursday. And I was feeling down Monday. And it kind of continued on. And this morning, I woke up and I must have picked up my phone. And I did pick up my phone. And this young woman was saying something that I needed to hear. And I was like, wow, I needed to hear that. And then I go later on. It's like, OK, I'm going to just like, you know, meditate and, you know, keep quiet for a bit and kind of do some of that stuff. And I go and sit in my chair and I turn my email email and there was a message from Reverend Ike. And I was like, he's talking about the God in being so powerful and how we need to say that the God in us is making making the God in us is the action that we need to see. And I was like, well, it just kind of like fired me up. But it's so amazing how things and things uplift you and inspire you to get you to that, you know, get you over the hump, as it were. You know, I think I think the circumstances in which we walk in, Edna, at least for me, God uses that to bring me to a greater level of healing. Absolutely. And I'm sitting there going, even though this is very painful, I really want to have complete healing. Yeah, absolutely. And, and, and we can. Yeah. So I love that. Yeah. What truth in your book, do you think that people still resist the most? The treasures in the dark. Talk about that. So every, every battle that we go through, every war that we fight, through situations, losses, the trauma, there are treasures that come within the dark places. And they are for our keeping. And many people do not realize their treasures for their keeping and they walk out without them. And, and it's like, no, no, go back and get them. Because they're also, they're things that you have gleaned and learned, and that you have been able to come away with that are going to go with you into your next battle, to position you from a place of victory in a different alliance. That's all. But I think people resist that, the treasures that are there in the dark. I think we really do resist that. We resist that. In the dark, there is treasures. We resist all of that. Everything dark has to be, no, no, it's not good. You know, or even like you just said, because I said from my own motor vehicle accident, it was a day of reckoning for me. When God, when I was in the car accident, it was the most miraculous, most beautiful thing ever, because I became this human being that I am now. That, you know, that, you know, unstoppable, unmovable, different from what I thought I should have been, or what I was told I should be, but I actually was now in obeyance of who I came here to be, as in purpose. Well, and I think that's, you just, you just captured really, our whole thing is that we help people breathe again, move again, live again in their creative design, because, because we have this hardship, this trauma. Right. We don't have to die with it. Right, exactly. There's a place of reemergence and that we can become that which we were meant to be. Absolutely. And I love that because that's resilience. It's the victory life that we were meant to live in. Absolutely, absolutely. And when you learn that, when you, when you, you come into a situation or a place of grief, you know, or even struggle, when you learn that this is a beautiful place to be in, that's I think, some of us forget it's a beautiful place to be in. To be in a place that you can grieve some losses, it's a beautiful place to be in, because I've gone through life, like some parts of my life, I don't remember, but just to be able to recognize and being aware, I miss that person. Right. And yes, I'm going through this, but I miss that person. It's a beautiful place to be in. What do I miss about that person? That's when you start asking those questions, right? What do I miss about them? What is it? What am I really crying about? You start to kind of now examine what that person really means to you and get the fullness of them versus the absence of them. Right. Or the situation or the fact that they're lost dreams. Right. Right. Yeah. Right. Forgot about those, the most dreams. And, and, and, or, or declining health. Yes, absolutely. Where, I mean, again, it's, I think that grief is a time of reframing, but I, I love also the person I am with when I'm grieving because I'm with the Lord the whole time. And that's good. That's really good. I like that. So we're going to, now we're going to talk about calling out the industry of, you know, around this grief. Cause I know when I was reading up on you and, and your book and everything, I was like, wow, you know, we need to talk about the industry because what you're saying versus what they're saying, talk about this. So we're going to call out the industry right now. So do you think that the grief space has become too polished or disconnected from what people actually experience? I think there's two sides of that. I think there is a very disconnected in our, in our culture of grief of the authenticity of being able to be able to express where we are in grieving. Gotcha. I also see the other lens of that, that there are those that are really like you having these conversations for an audience to be able to know that we need to be living authentically in these places, expressing ourselves where we feel safe, but not putting the face on to just step in and do life. Yeah. Because we're not helping each other to do that. And so I see both sides of that because I have the clients that come in. I'm working with people in industry and some of them would rather not have these conversations, workplaces that really don't want to have the deeper conversations on how can we be present for those grieving? What can we implement? How do we help? Because they, I believe that our culture is fearful of grieving, even though we're all losses. Yeah, absolutely. Every one of us is going to lose everything we have. Absolutely. So if we could overcome the fear and just step into being able to be equipped and in the equipment supportive to one another. And to be honest with you, there are certain grief spaces I really don't like, because I don't think it's as effective. I think people need individual healing. And then if they want to do a group thing, I think that's wonderful. But this is what I have found. Right. For some people who have gone through traumatic experiences to be in a group setting, you're being traumatized by their trauma. Exactly. And it's like, why are we doing a group setting right now? This just happened, baby. You need to have some time where someone just holds space for you. So what do I not think is done well is holding space? Yeah, yeah. And that's that's what we have to learn how to hold space. Absolutely. I 100% agree with that. Years ago, I write poetry as well. And I was going to show off my book stuff, you know, about my my sexual trauma. And I think I did a great job because I didn't want to trigger anybody because, you know, you can trigger, right? So we go into this room and everybody's there. And so all us who have had traumas, have our books. And so I'm, you know, I buy people's books and I'm reading it. And now I'm retriggered and have to close the book because I put it up just to look and I'm, you know, like this. Right. So it's a room full of us. It's a room full of us. And then people are coming in because of the specialty and the access to go up and speak. And I'm like, the first speaker goes up and I could see it in the people's faces that they were being traumatized. And I was like, this is no good, no good. And I'm, you know, they're being re-traumatized and all you can see is, oh, oh, you hear that? Oh, oh, you know, you hear that. And I'm like, OK, they're going to call me up there. And I'm like, oh, my goodness, how am I going to not do this? And I remember how I wrote my book and I said, you know, I got up and I was like, I, I applauded them for making it through. And it was a different vibe. But you are so right. You cannot heal and have triggers. You can't. There's no way. And the space that that space when when the the coordinator asked me, how would you think? I said, I think it was a it was a great idea. But I think it was that space didn't help anyone. It hurt more. And now they had more. They heard more on top of what they're already dealing with. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for that. I said it's not a healing that type of trauma, even grief. Sometimes it's not a group setting, even alcohol, economics, drugs. I don't think even that hearing, you know, you need a single space to not be traumatized over and over again. You're right. I do believe that. And I see I see clients who heal that come in this space. Yes. Coming in one on, you know, singularly, individually or as a family. And we still work with the individuals, but we also help the families know how to tether closer together instead of fracture further. But I love what you were saying that you could see the people being because you can see it. Yeah, you can see it. And and there has to be an awareness in our culture that great intentions do not bring healing. That is correct. And so we have to be intentional to step into our healing and to be healed first. So I hear stories every week about a child who's passed and I've had two who have died tragically. I'm healed. I'm not triggered by their stories. Now, if I were not healed, it would trigger me. Right. And you wouldn't be able to talk about it. You wouldn't be able to know. And individuals also need to assess their own. Yes. And their own grieving process. And also be careful not to subject themselves into spaces where we triggered. I am so glad you're saying that I am. Oh, my goodness. I am because I had a situation a week ago. I joined someone's workshop, right? Okay, audience, I know you want to get you want to get some more information from from our guests, but I need to hear I need to tell Marsha this. And so I am in this virtual group and I'm listening and I'm, you know, listening. I'm going, hmm, I didn't know. Hmm. I just kept going, hmm, like that. So when it came time for me, I didn't speak about what they were speaking about. And so I shared my story and, you know, what I did, you know, to you know, what I was doing moving forward. Right. Because that's what we were supposed to do. One of the women, they shared their story and she was in tears. And I'm like, oh, my goodness. I don't think she even realized she's being she's not ready, you know, because the great intentions, you know, and I see a lot of this is when I, you know, I'm a coach and it took me years and it's still taking me time to heal all those levels of things that's going on. Right. And, you know, I didn't start coaching until I healed from the stories that I was trying to help people with. I would I couldn't help anybody if I'm being triggered myself. I couldn't help. So we get a lot of coaches that do that. And so this was the arena I was in that day. And I was like, everybody's crying. Oh, my goodness. So I was like, I wasn't triggered, but I was like, I don't think they're ready. You know, I'm going, hmm, great intention. But it was not healing. It was re-triggering. And so when I finished my story, one of the women said, you know, well, God can heal you. You're not alone. And I said, no, I've been healed from that. That's why I can talk about it. And people, if you're not careful, like you just said, if you're not careful, people will try to re-trigger you in order for you to be part of what's happening with them. And it happens a lot. And I was like, OK, I won't be in that space. You have to be very careful about the spaces that you enter. And I want to say something, because what you said is everybody was crying. And so this is something that I believe that a spirit of grief can foster a spirit of grief in communal places like that. And we have to be careful because that spirit brings in a spirit of death. Oh, absolutely. You're right. You're so right. You're right. And so, I mean, I love, Edna, that you have something very concrete. I hate that all these people were in there, because that means they've got more work. Yes, but I hope they realize that they even have some additional work because of what they subjected themselves to. Right. And that's what I explained to the coordinator. Again, she asked me how I felt. And I said, you know, we need to be in spaces that we elevate instead of bring back down, because now I saw, you know, one woman, she wasn't crying yet, but you could tell in her voice she was cracking. And I said, that's not where you want us to be. You want us to be motivated, inspired and lifted. If that's not where we're supposed to be, all of us hurt each other. So then it goes like it goes around. It just goes around. And I just immediately said that. No, that's not me. That's good. No, it's like, OK, devil. No, no, not me today. I'm healed from that part. But I have other things to go through, but I cannot join the crying fest. You know, I can't go on as a spirit of anxiety and depression. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Can I say I can? I cannot join that. I cannot join that. I did a lot of work. I worked, you know, on on that part of me, so I cannot join that. And thank you for thinking that I needed that, you know, but I don't, you know, and when you start to speak that way, even to, you know, stopping things like that, that's so very important to as well. Some of us are not that strong yet to do that, but I noticed it right away. I was thankful for that. But yeah, you brought up a great point. Thank you so much. Do you think grief has been turned into something people try to fix instead of something that they try to understand? Absolutely. Absolutely. I think that that's one of the myths is that it needs to be fixed. And what I want to say is grief is an exchange. I come to release. Yeah. And I receive. Right. I'm releasing and receiving. There's an exchange. Right. And this is going to be ongoing every day because if you want to be honest, there are things within this world where grieving as every day comes and goes. So we bring that into the space of being able to express it and being able to receive the new things back so that it is not coming into us and bearing down on us to consume us. I think that grief should be lived out with a spirit of hope. In the hope. Not as something I have to be fixed. It has to be fixed. We have to be fixed. Right. Right. And again, if we look at scripture, grief is very present and it talks about that we're going to lament until we go home. Now lamenting is a little different. What does that mean? Lamenting is that that is not coming into the full picture that we would like. But we're able to receive that which is and we look forward to the day of restoration when all things are the way they were meant to be. Yeah, absolutely. Is that we recognize, we are aware of what's going on. And I like that you talk about, you know, understanding because everything doesn't have to be fixed. It has to be understood, accepted, and then being a place to receive more. I like that because a lot of times we're not in the space of receiving. See, we're open for healing, but we're not open for receiving. That's a whole other program, receiving. And also in grieving, we have to give ourselves permission to grieve or we're not going to. We're going to put it in a box. I think it's been dealt with. And then all of a sudden some other situation is going to happen. And we're going to have an implosion and we're going to go. Exactly. Because it was not dealt with. And we didn't step with intention to heal. Right. There has to be intentionality to heal. Absolutely. There is a healing. Grief to me bears a wound, but that wound has healing. And then you get to walk into the newness. That's right. All right, audience, you heard that intention. I've been hearing intention all week long in every message, every live that I've been on intention. So today's intention to heal. You have to have that intention to heal. I love that. Let's talk about your work. The Sterling Rose Sanctuary. What's the hardest truth that you've heard or you had to deal with someone in deep grief? Well, we work with everything from sexual ritual abuse to addictions and loss of life and different things. I think the hardest has been when we have someone enter in and they have lived this life for as long as many of them have. They've never, ever been in a place where they felt safe and understood and heard. And space health. So that to me is so painful that they've walked all these years in that place and they finally found a place, thank goodness, where space is being held. They are heard. They are loved on deep. Yeah. And we stay with them. Yeah, absolutely. It sounds good. That's good. I like that. Good stuff. All right. What patterns do you see over and over again in people who are stuck in that loss? Shame, guilt, just a self-loathing, a hopelessness, a victimization sometimes has entered in and they've become the victim of their circumstances. These are patterns. These are also lies that are from within the mind that have not been, you know, you haven't gone in and said, these are the truth. So we help reframe those lies to parts of shame and guilt and feeling unloved and rejected and unworthy to come in and to release and to receive how that part was meant to live before all the trauma came on it. And it gets to be restored and it's now redeemed. So there are patterns. If you work with anyone who's been abused or in traumatic situations, there are patterns that come from repeated trauma and abusive situations. And so our desire is to see all of that break and to be healed and to be able to have new life flourish with them. That's beautiful. This part here is for you audience. I'm going to challenge you and through my guest today, and she's going to give you some answers that you've been asking. Okay. So the first one is if someone is still waiting to feel like themselves again, what would you say to them directly? Well, first of all, the grief needs to be incorporated in them to move forward. So to embrace with gratitude, whether it's the loss of person situation in here and start moving forward into life and living in that life. And they will, other parts will join in, but they've got to say to their mind, I want to live in this life and their body aligns. So I want your audience to hear this. What I say out loud, what I think in my mind, my body lines up with. So in order, your body may not feel like it's there, but you've got to tell your body I am living and I'm going to live this incredible life and I'm going to have a great day and my body's going to line up with it. So this precious one needs to know the body needs to line up the mind and the body need to line up and they need to move forward with joy. That's beautiful. Well, you are my third confirmation for today on what I had spoken out loud this morning. So thank you so very much for that. Cause that was for me, maybe for you audience, but okay. I'll let it go. Okay. So we want to talk about your book and I want you to give them one or two words that to the answer to these questions. Okay. If your book could correct one misunderstanding about grief, what would it be? You are not alone. Okay. You may feel lonely because grief can be lonely, but you are never alone. What do you want readers to walk away knowing about themselves? Not just grief. Hold on. I just swallowed air. Oh goodness. Okay. Can you repeat that? What do you want readers to walk away knowing about themselves? Not just grief from your book that they were created to overcome and to live victoriously. Okay. Awesome. I want, I want to thank you for that. Um, Marcia, I really want to thank you for being here and sharing a lot about your book. Um, and to my audience, especially, um, around grief now, um, how can they find you on your website? If you would give that to them and they, I know that you can find the book there as well. It's www.the sterling rose sanctuary.us. Awesome. Thank you so much. I want to thank you audience for being here and thank you Marcia Earhart for being here as well, sharing what you have experienced and that you have taught your clients about grief and how to go through it and understand it. This is Edna White, your host of keeping it real on purpose. And my esteemed guests were saying goodbye for now.