"이상한 집착을 하고있어요." 자녀를 망치는 최악의 부모 유형 '1가지' (장근영 박사 2부)

Many mothers don't like to see their children playing games at home. So they can't say that they don't want them to do it in front of their eyes, so their grades dropped while playing games. That doesn't make sense. It's almost the same as telling young people in the 21st century not to play games and not to socialize. I'm telling you not to focus on making them play games. Instead, focusing on the negative side rather than the positive side is the nature of the human brain. Because it's much more advantageous to survive if you don't experience negative things as often as you can. It's good to experience a lot of positive things, but it's important to minimize negative events. So you're going to pay attention to the negative, but when you're raising a child, you have to change it consciously. For example, if a child got a 90 on the test, that means he got 18 out of 20 questions right and 2 wrong. In this case, a lot of parents don't care that they got 18 questions right. They wonder why they got two questions wrong. They probably didn't get it right either. But anyway, if you talk about why you got two questions wrong, then what's the reason you're studying for an exam? There must be a reward for that. The reward comes from the fact that you got the question right, but if you don't give that reward and just focus on getting it wrong, you won't get the reward. Then your desire to study will be reduced little by little every time you get that feedback. But a lot of parents think the other way around. They think they'll do much better if they just fix what they're good at, so they're focusing on getting it wrong, but it's never good. After you recognize and acknowledge that you got 18 questions right, it's okay to approach it like, Hey, but why did I get this wrong? But it's not helpful to approach it like, Hey, but why did I get this wrong? Hey, but why did I get this wrong again? If your child does the housework properly and does well at home and at school without any problems, a lot of parents don't care. They don't care because they're doing well even if they don't care. But if your child makes a little mistake, then all of a sudden, they get angry and care. Then how do you reward your child? As I said earlier, the most important reward for a child is parents' interest and recognition. When you're doing well, you don't care. You don't reward your child. But when you make a mistake, you care. To get a little reward from your child, to get a little attention, you have to make a mistake. You have no choice but to think, When you're doing well, look at it and acknowledge it. When you're not doing well, you cut off the reward you gave when you were doing well. That's the original desirable reward system. If you don't get a reward when you're doing well, you'll get a reward when you do something wrong. The core of parenting is control. What kind of place, what kind of time, what you can do and what you can't do. You have to let your parents know. That's the basis of all parenting. So parents who don't control? That's a big deal. It's wrong. It's not about strong control, it's about non-permanent control. For example, usually, I don't care how much my child plays games. One day, you're suddenly hooked on something. I heard the news, or I went to a parent-teacher meeting, and I was shocked. So as soon as I got home, I couldn't play games right away. You're not allowed to play games in my house. But if you control that, you won't be able to go for a long time. You just started without a plan. It's too hard for you to keep it. So you have to take care of it for a week. And then it's a mess. If you do this non-permanent control, It doesn't work. Not only is it ineffective, but the authority of parents is gone. If you keep doing this, Later, the kids won't listen to their parents. That's a very bad way to control. Another thing is that you're asking for the impossible through control. For example, the basic premise of public education is that If all the kids try a little bit and study, I look at the score level from 60 to 70. It's usually a normal public education system. Even kids who don't have the right aptitude can do that. You can try to get to 80. But you're asking for 100 points to kids who don't have the right aptitude. 100 points is originally a score that kids with the right aptitude in the field get. But even though my child doesn't have that aptitude, You keep asking for it. You're squeezing it. If you squeeze it a little bit like that, You can get a temporary 100 points. But all your desire to study disappears. You're learning to study. I'll never study again. It just makes you determined. It doesn't work in the long run. So it's not consistent. And asking for the impossible through control. These two are bad. But control itself is necessary. Yes, of course there are a lot. But now that I know about it, It's not a conflict caused by the game. Most of the time, I've been playing games and my grades have fallen. That's almost all. And another thing is that a lot of mothers don't like to see their children playing games at home. There's almost no other reason. I just didn't want to see it. So I don't want you to do it in front of me. You can't say that. Find a lot of reasons. Then there's a conflict. There are a lot of parents who don't like the game itself. And other than that, You think your grades have fallen because of the game. It's a problem. So if you have an appointment in advance, It's all right. So you're in the class right now, and your grades are 8th or 10th. If it's worse than that, you can't play games from now on. Until you upload it. You made this promise in advance. So when your grades drop, Turning off the computer? Okay. It's okay. But without a promise. I don't want to see you play games all of a sudden, so I'll turn it off. If you go, of course, you'll be resisted. Then it's not a game problem. Why do parents invade my life like this? That's the problem. You think it's a problem caused by games. To the youth of the 21st century. And to the boys and girls. Don't play games. Don't socialize. It's almost like that. You have to do what your friends do. It's going to be a conversation. And you're going to be in that group. If you don't let them do that, The child really has a big weakness. So some kids really don't play games. I accept that. Because I've been doing that since I was a kid. Then give up. If you keep everything consistent, The kids can adapt. Consistency is the most important thing. From the moment you lose consistency, Everything becomes a problem. If you can keep it consistent, I can't say that all the control over the game is bad. So I don't tell you which one is the right answer. That's not it. Depending on what kind of child the child is, Depending on what kind of parents the parents are, It all depends on the family environment. But anyway, inconsistent marriage You can't always get good results. I'm telling you not to focus on not letting them play games. Because it's not learning not to do it. Instead of this, learning to do something else is learning. But if you don't let them do it? It's not learning. In learning psychology, it's called deception. If you don't reward them, they'll disappear. But games always reward you. So don't set a goal of not letting them play games. Instead, set a goal to do something important first. So after you're done playing games, I want you to say, okay. So what's the important thing? In the end, the child will live forever. There are three major factors that continue to help. The first one is about health. I wash when I wash, I sleep when I sleep, and I eat when I eat. You have to have this habit to become an adult and live a healthy life. When you're a kid, you're healthy even if you don't wash when you wash. You're healthy even if you don't eat when you don't eat. Even if you sleep a little less, you'll stay healthy. But at this time, parents have to force you to sleep when you sleep. So there's a fixed time to eat. Because the child has to play games, If you can't eat now, there's no food that day. You can go like that. If you have a fixed time to eat, And if you've been keeping it up so far, You're cleaning up. If you don't come at this time, there's no food. That's how the child eats at my time. So this is very important. Second, there must be something you have to do as a family member. Young children want to do all the housework that their parents do. When my mom is cooking on the cutting board, I want to use a knife. I want to put this in. I want to boil some water. It's a game of housework. You want to grow up like an adult. It's best to start with a proper assignment for the child. After that, anyway, you're a member of this family. You have to play this role. That's what I'm supposed to do as a family member. It's good to give me that. That's how I can feel that I'm this family. Whether it's a community or an organization, If you want to feel like a member of that organization, You have to have a role. I don't have a role, but I can't feel like a member. So when an organization bullies an employee, You don't have anything to do, you just stay here. If you do that, your self-esteem will drop. Anxiety is very high. It's the same for the family. There are parents who say, You just study. Then it's hard for the child to feel like he's part of the family. Then it goes in a very strange direction. You ask your mom for weird things. You ask her to buy you something expensive. Because I'm not sure I'm a family member. It's an act of trying to check. So let him work. When the child goes home, If I go home, I'll definitely work. So when I was a kid, I used to play with my toys. Put it back in place. It's very important to start with this and expand the range. It's a must. And lastly, there's a role as a student. Studying is one of the roles as a student. I think studying is important. What's more important is learning social life at school. So the difference between school and family is that you have to learn social life at school. The school teacher is not the one who takes care of the child. He's the one who teaches social life. To such a teacher, My child is like this. Please take care of this. That doesn't make sense. Then the parents will make the school the same environment as my family. That's what you're thinking. Then the child can't grow up properly. The child says, This is a place where other rules work. Unlike in the family, this is a place where my words don't work. You have to feel it to become an adult. The school is where you socialize for that growth. So the first thing you have to do at school is to follow the rules. Listen to the teacher. You're getting along with your friend. If this goes well, And then you practice and review. And in class, listening to the teacher is studying. Studying is not a big deal. You practice, you focus on class, and then you come back and do your homework. This is the basis of study. If you actually finish this, there's nothing more to study. That's normal. But in Korea, we demand more than that. That's when the problem starts. I always tell you. Games are never threatening. Because there are a lot of things that children experience when they grow up and go out into society. Among them, the charm of the game is the weakest. There are a lot of things that are much stronger than that. If you don't let them play the game now, That's an opportunity to develop self-control. Now, you're doing the important thing you need to do first. You have to grow the habit of playing games. Through that, you have to grow some basic self-control. It's never good for the long term that parents can't do it no matter what. When do we get addicted to games? It's when you're stressed out. In a stressful situation, all games are an escape. Games provide imagination. You can take a safe adventure. So I can achieve something safely. It's also a place where you can achieve things very easily. And the feedback on the achievement is very accurate. The condition for good feedback is that it will be given right after you act. And it's going to be provided in a positive way. There's almost no place in the real world that gives you that feedback. But when you're playing a gunfight game, If the opponent does a headshot, you show it right after the headshot. It's called a sense of impact. And the more difficult the headshot is, the more points you get. That's the positive feedback. It's full of that feedback. So the game is easy to continue after you start it. To get addicted to such a game, you need to be under a lot of stress. In fact, the most attractive time for me is when I have a lot of work to do before the end of the report. At that time, any game looks fun. At that time, advertising looks fun, too. So if it's something you can avoid, everything looks good. The more stressed we are, the weaker our self-control becomes. Then we become more and more addicted. So being addicted to games is not because of the game. It's because of the situation. What is violence? If you think about it, if there's a lot of imagination in the game, Is it violent? If you look at it that way, In fact, all games are simulating life and death in that respect. Do you know the squid game that was a hit all over the world on Netflix? There's a game called Red Light, Green Light. We all did that when we were young. It looks like a child-friendly, not violent game at all. In the game, if you get caught moving to a tagger, They usually say, you're dead. You're dead. In that game. But in the drama called Squid Game, They don't just say, you're dead. They really kill you. So at that moment, How violent was the game we enjoyed? You might feel that way. But the problem is, all games are like that. It doesn't matter if it's violent. Rather, humans are simulating such death. If I do this, I win. If I do this, I lose. Constantly sharing with other colleagues. We're going to do a simulation, and we're going to come up with a strategy. In fact, does it make sense for humans to catch mammoths? But I still caught a mammoth. I hunted it. Why? Because I was able to simulate it. The simulation eventually led to the game. While the kids were playing games, They're constantly running simulations. You could die in there. But it doesn't matter if it's violent. There's no such thing as a bad game. But any game can get worse. Depending on the situation, How much stress is that person undergoing? How much is the environment around him? How much is it inducing an escape? That game functions as an escape. Once you escape, it's not easy to get out. If you keep running away from there, you're getting more and more. So that could be bad. And another thing is, It's very important who you're playing with. So even if you're a kart rider, Betrayal, foul play, illegal. You could even become a cyber criminal while you're a kart rider. If you play with bad friends. On the other hand, in a game where you shoot each other and kill each other, You can learn loyalty and honor. It's very important who you're playing with. When, in what situation, It's important who you're playing with. The game itself is not surprisingly important. In fact, you can ask me what love is. It's hard to define love clearly. The most important thing that parents should give to their children. I think it's not love, it's interest and recognition. You have to be interested in your child. And what the child wants most is the interest of the parents. Whether it's good or bad interest, You have to know that your parents are caring for you. Because in the old days, A young child has no choice but to rely on his parents for survival. If my parents don't care about me, That means I'm in danger right now. When parents are not interested in me, Children feel a sense of crisis. So I'm trying to get their attention somehow. Children are born spectators. But it's very important to pay attention. And then there's another one. When the child does something a little bit better, They recognize it and admit it. Then that's the source of confidence.